Last night I had a dream that I was having a baby, like in the process of pushing the baby out. As the baby was born, the first thing I noticed was that the babe had curly red hair. Where did that come from? Then I noticed that the babe had blue eyes. Um, no this baby is supposed to have brown eyes! Bright blue, but not like the color babies eyes normally are. Then I noticed it was a girl. But I thought it was a boy. And I looked at this baby, and basically told everyone around me that it wasn't mine, please put it back where it came from while I have the "real" baby. I handed this beautiful baby to someone else and refused to look at her anymore.
This was the point where I woke up. Weird. I felt awful, like a terrible mom, but I had fallen asleep feeling like a terrible mom (which is a story for another day.)
It seems like everyone around me is having babies right now. (Um, Dacheese, not you, I know.) I have to admit to a sort of jealousy towards the pregnant and newly mamas. I know I have written about it before, a desire for another child. But I am also happy with the point we are at with our girls. I know that if I fell pregnant it would not be the end of the world, but it would require a lot of rethinking, replanning, and changing our life. And of course, I am not the only person involved in the decision. In fact, I think he knows how I feel about it, putting the ball fully in his court.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, weighing pros and cons and making lists. But when it comes right down to it, either way, I think I will be happy. With another child, yes. Without, maybe not right now, but I would eventually get over it, because we have two beautiful girls, and be happy.
Its yet another depth to the reasons I was totally unhappy with my marriage before Will left. His comments are a reason, although he isn't on board with the idea, I feel better about that desire. Its normal, and I doubt it will ever go away completely. Even if we had another child. But then, I think, I would feel like it was OUR choice, made together.