Homecoming (now where is the band?)

Shall I tell you all a story? I think so. Lets go back to last Wednesday, okay?

I knew that Will had the determining doctor appointment that would either allow him to come home, or not Wednesday morning at 9am, so I was on edge all morning. When he hadn't called around noon, I sent him a text asking if there was any news. The phone rings almost immediately. Being able to text him and have him call me back was one of the most awesome feelings. Knowing that I could call him, and would get an answer really soothed the worry spots out of my heart. But I digress.

He told me that they wanted to keep him longer, however he asked them to send him home. They wanted to explore some other options for his medical issue, but what he needed most of all was to get to come home. He said he would most likely come home on Thursday, and would let me know as soon as he had more information.

Once again, I sat in suspense. I waited. Finally in the evening I texted him asking if he knew anything. I felt like a nag, but asking him questions has been the only way to get even a snippet of information out of him this past year. The text he sent said he didn't know. Then I posted the Suspense? No Thanks post because it was a way to vent. I was so tense. My body ached from the tension. But I still had to wait to find out when he would come home. The girls knew that Daddy would most likely be home the next day, so Rhayn took her special outfit out in preparation of him coming home. She said she would be really careful to keep it clean while she was at school.

Thursday morning, after I dropped Rhayn off at school I saw a friend, and basically told her she had to get coffee with me. I needed to stay away from home for a little while. I had checked my email twenty time before I even left for the morning, and it was making me a little crazy. We hung out at Target chatting for an hour or so. It was nice. It turned out to be exactly the amount of time I needed to waste because I had an email with flight information waiting in my inbox. His flight would get into Sky Harbor around 12:30. This worked perfectly, Rhayn had a half day, so I would only have to pick her up a little early and we could drive to the airport and wait. The wait wouldn't be long either.


We arrived at the airport where I realized I had parked on the wrong end of terminal four. It happens every time I end up at that terminal. Before I left the house I was planning on checking his flight with flightstats to make sure it was on time. However my computer chose that moment to completely freeze. I just turned it off and walked away. If I had been able to check his flight I could have seen with gate and where I needed to be, but it honestly didn't matter.

We sat at the entrance, waiting. We stared down the corridor waiting for a man in uniform. Waiting to see him. Waiting. When we first arrived his flight stat said it would be about ten minutes early. So we thought he would be coming out right away. But after a while, it said delayed.


Then finally it changed to arrived. The girls and I were so excited (and in my excitement, I put away the camera and didn't take another picture at the airport. Ugh. I always neglect to get pictures of the girls hugging him at the gate. It irks me, because that is a moment that I wish I could share with all of you. Really it was so beautiful. It took everything I have to keep from weeping for joy.)

We stood there, waiting. Finally I saw him, and said "Hey girls, you need to look, I think I might see Daddy." They did, and this is another minute that I wish I had had my camera out for, you could see their eyes light up. They both paused, and then you could see their bodies tensing before they took off to jump at him.

He bent down to hug them and that was the most beautiful moment. I always feel gypped at the airport. I have to wait until they get all the hugs for my moment. I want to run up to him and throw my body around his. Instead I have to wait... and wait... while they hug and love all over him.

Finally it was my turn, and let me tell you, I could have stood their hugging him for a very long time. It was perfect. We are all so glad to have him home that there is really no way to explain it, I guess we are really, really, really, really, very, very, very happy he is home.

Geesh.

Sorry to leave you all in suspense, especially just after I complained about not liking suspense and being so done with it.

On Thursday afternoon we finally were able to pick Will up at the airport. It has been wonderful having him home. I have a lot of stories to tell, but for now, I will just let you all know that he is home, and we are so. very. happy.

Suspense? No thanks.

I do not like suspense. I have been living in a constant state of it for the past year. I am trying not to think about it, but how does one not think about the one thing they most want to know about? I suppose it is much like finding out (or not finding out) the sex of a baby.

I still don't know when he will come home. He is hopeful about tomorrow, and me? Well I just want to cry because until I have flight information or a text saying "I am on the plane" I can't relax and really prepare for him coming home.

Disappointment has slapped me in the face one too many times in recent memory.

Its this state of constant not knowing that is killing us all a little inside. I mean really. The girls are messes. Rhayn wants to wear her "special outfit" and its still sitting in a place of honor on her dresser. She asks me every day when he is coming. When she asks I see that sparkle in her eye, because she just thinks for this moment, it could be true. When I tell her we still don't know, its like someone shuts out a light.

Gwennie just doesn't understand yet. She wants him to come home and can't wait, but time is so much different for a three year old.

And me? Well I am on edge. I am ready to relax. I am ready for him to be here, so I can do that. Until he is home and I am done worrying about that I will just have to feel this tension in my body.

"Its A Rock, Mama."

Gwennie has never been a big drawing fan. Not like Rhayn was. Rhayn would sit for hours drawing. Gwennie? She would sit for about 5 minutes drawing circles in the middle of paper. Eventually she started drawing lines coming from the under side of the circle. These were dubbed "jellyfish" while her cousin called the same sort of picture her "octopus". Once in a great while, the "jellyfish" would get eyes. Sometimes it was actually a sun (the legs would pop out from all directions). There was even the day she drew a "Q" and was so excited about it (she drew them on everything for about a week). But months went by with little progression.

I decided I would not push drawing on her. Its not her thing. She doesn't enjoy it, I will not make her do it. I was sad. I have fond memories of sitting for long periods of time with Rhayn drawing and coloring and hearing stories about her pictures. But Gwennie and I can do other things. Its fine.

Then two nights ago, she did it. She was sitting there, pen in hand and drawing what I assumed were going to be 30 "jellyfish" of various sizes. She brought the picture over to me, her face beaming with pride. "Its the family" she said simply. And I looked. And it was. There were four people, all ranging in size (the way we do.) The people were crude, but recognizable as people.

The first family picture.

She drew another "family" and this time, she drew Daddy first, then started Mommy, and noticed that Daddy didn't have arms. She drew arms for him, then hair, and finally a mouth. She wanted to add a nose, but couldn't quite figure it out.

Third Family portrait, complete with arms, mouths and hair.

I was so enthralled I sat and watched her draw the second and third picture. I asked her questions about the things she was drawing. Next to her daddy she drew a circle, and said it was "A rock for him to kick." I looked at her blankly, a rock? for him to kick? I am really curious if that is what she thinks we are saying when we say "Iraq." I mean, say it out loud. The "I" is pretty quiet and we know from Rhayn that kids don't always here a soft first syllable (she called guitars, "tars" for a very long time.)

"A rock."
(Notice in the first family picture, on purple paper, there is a rock next to the largest person. Yup, that is Daddy and his rock.)

I have always felt that art is an insight into a child's mind. This was a revelation to me. She really has no idea where Daddy was or why. She understands that he is "at work" because she tells people that is where her daddy is. She will volunteer this information to anyone willing to listen. I don't think they have any idea how heartbreaking it is to hear your child telling people that her daddy is "at work" when you know that it is her way of saying how much she misses him, and how proud of him she is in her own sweet little way.

One thing that I noticed while watching her draw is that she switches hands. She drew the big circles with her right hand, then switched to her left to add details. She hasn't decided if she is a lefty or a righty. You know I am hoping for a lefty (as I am one.) Right now it looks like she will have equal use of both hands, which is a very nice thing (I can do most things with either hand.)

Bodily Functions (I use the word defecate a lot in this one.)

Penelope is almost completely housetrained. She has finally figured out, that going in her crate is not good. She whimpers when she needs to go out at night. Since I am bionic woman, my hearing is such that any little noise from her crate wakes me up. This is good, and bad. Last night and the night before Penelope whined in her crate no less than 4 times during the night. Admittedly on Sunday I had given them a little bit of chicken fat with their dinner. There was grease/juice in the pan that I had cooked the chicken in, so I just drained it over their food. This doesn't bother Lily, she was fine. Penelope was given a nasty case of diarrhea.

I was pleased that she let me know she needed out, and every time I took her, she did run to the area of the yard they most like to defecate in (which is, lucky for us, the far south west corner of the yard) and squatted. I assume that she was going. That is not a position I have ever seen a non-defecating dog in.

Last night it was the same thing but after the 3rd call at 1am (after putting her her in her crate at 8:30) I decided to just leave her out. I was exhausted and already having trouble sleeping due to a million things on my mind*. Every time I would fall into a nice dream-like state, I would hear her "Hmmmmmmmm" noise and my eyes would pop open. I would grudgingly get out of bed and wander to her crate, where she would be standing and looking at me. Sort of pacing and as soon as the crate door was opened she was off, to stand by the door waiting for me.

Then this morning, I found a nearly dry pile where she had had an accident the day before. A messy one. She hasn't defecated in the house in a while, and this was pretty watery so I know she didn't do it willfully. Poor thing, she was doing so well. She had also had a small accident in her crate when Gwennie and I were dropping Rhayn off at school Monday morning.

She is even letting me know when she needs to go out during the day. She will come to me, look at me, and then stand by the door (if I didn't see her by the door before.) I am excited to have her housetrained. It is a really big deal for her.

As for the diarrhea, I put some pumpkin into her breakfast and it seems to have hardened things right up (thanks Cornfed Princess! for the suggestion. I will have to remember it always, because she didn't mind it at all, in fact she seemed to like the pumpkin!)

Now, on to Gwennie.

First of all- how cute is this picture?

As I am typing that is how she is sleeping, on the floor with her Lily. Lily doesn't seem to mind. at. all. She is such a good dog. Penelope doesn't mind Gwennie on her either, but she runs a bit hotter and prefers to sleep on the kitchen floor under the table. It has to be cooler there. Lily sleeps by us usually.

Gwennie still has the occasional accident (pee only) when she doesn't make it to the potty on time. She is still in diapers at night. With Rhayn I sort of pushed the night training right away and she had many accidents. I had attempted to let Gwennie be diaper-free at night about 3 times, and each time I woke up covered in pee. Fun times.

This last week, she has been dry every morning. Am I ready to take the diapers away? No. I am waiting for her to wake up in the night and go pee. Just being able to stay dry all night isn't my indicator of not getting peed on. (Although when Daddy comes home, she will be sleeping in Rhayn's room again.) I need to know that she will wake up if she needs to go.

This afternoon, about ten minutes before the above picture was taken, she woke up, saying "I need to go potty." Her voice groggy and tired and not fully awake. She stumbled into the bathroom and went. But she had peed in her pants a little bit. This is a good sign. No, not the peeing in her pants part, the waking up part. She is getting ready to be diaper-free. I look forward to not washing her diapers anymore. Although since she rarely pees in them, its not a big deal. Even if she does pee in them, I wash them with my whites anyway (on hot) so its not even an extra load. I figure a diaper thrown in the whites is less laundry than the whole set of bedding, especially since my kids don't sleep UNDER the covers.

I heard a loud fart, then another and looked over at Gwennie.
"Was that you or Lily?"
"I don't know." Riotous laughter ripped out of me.
"Mom, its not funny."
"I can't stop laughing."
"Humph its not funny!"
Ha ha ha. Yes, sweetie it was funny, because fart jokes? They rank way up there on the list of things that will make your mommy laugh. out. loud. And also? I am pretty sure it was her, because dog farts? They stink.

*I am having a hard time shutting my mind off at night. I will lay in bed thinking of the things I want to accomplish the next day, but knowing that I will most likely start reading and not be able to escape that world. I am really looking forward to a) Will being home, so I can stop worrying about how it will be when he gets home and to b) the end of the next book. I am loving these books, but in an obsessive way that I haven't felt since I read the Twilight series.

French Butter Keeper

I have been obsessively looking at French butter keepers online. Etsy has many beautiful ones. I hate the plastic container I have been keeping butter in. Plus, look how pretty they are!
Since they aren't really cheap, especially for the nice ceramic ones I like, maybe if I ask really nicely I will get one for my birthday or Christmas. I really want a cobalt blue one, or a nice dark brown, maybe? What things have you been looking at online lately?

blah blah blah blah

Blah blah blah...

Really that is what I feel like right now. I have so much on my mind. Some of it I don't want to share. Well, maybe I do, but I feel like it needs to be worked out in my head first. Or maybe in my handwritten journal. Yes, I have one of those, I keep it by my bed so that I may write in it at night when I have thoughts bouncing in my head and keeping me awake.

I spent yet another day reading the Southern Vampire Mysteries. I finished another book (#6). I just can't seem to put them down. I actually have made myself NOT start the next book so that I could talk to Rhayn about something that had happened at school. I learned of it the other day, but had been so lost in Louisiana that I could not step into Mom-mode.

Rhayn has a really good friend, and this week they were really not playing together in the mornings. We even had a playdate with her and a couple of other kids on Thursday. We all went swimming. Rhayn kind of kept to herself the whole time. I didn't think much of it, since she has understandably been a little sad this week. I really don't blame her for keeping to herself, she also has a lot on her mind. On Friday this friend's mom asked me if I knew what had happened. I didn't. It made me feel like a bad mom, for not even realizing that my child was sad about something else (aside form Daddy not being home).

I swore I would talk to her. But I didn't on Saturday, it just slipped my mind (while I was lost in LA.) Then she stayed the night at another friend's house. I wanted to talk to her when we picked her up, but she was not in a pleasant state of mind. She was a mess actually from staying up too late. So I waited until after dinner, then sat down with her and talked about it. It turns out she had made a joke or said something about this friend's pet who had to be put down. As she put it "I reminded her of R."
To which I responded, "Remember Beckham? What if someone kept bringing him up? How would you feel? Or what if they were reminding you of Daddy? Would that make you feel happy?"
You could see her face fall. "No," she responded in a very small voice. She realized what she had done, and how much it had most likely hurt her friend. She also told me that by the end of Friday they were friends again.

Being a mom is hard work, especially when you are in a bad place yourself.

Lost in Louisiana

This last week has been a bad one. First we received news that Will wouldn't be coming home with his unit. Then I got sick with stomach issues. I am still not sure if that was stress related or what. I just felt awful. This was compounded by a migraine due to barometric pressure changes, I felt that storm blow in before it actually made its way into the valley.

My girls are sad and mopey. I have been in a bad state of mind, depressed and unable to handle it. In fact I have spent most of the week buried deep in the mind of Sookie Stackhouse** while reading* the Southern Vampire Mysteries and barely able to surface long enough to feed my kids or drive Rhayn to school. Even now I am itching to get into the next book, thanks to a friend who lent me all of them. I haven't showered in a few days, or brushed my hair.

Now that not showering thing isn't completely because of the books, it is partially because of the migraine that I had yesterday. The day before we had taken the kids to the pool and when I got home, I took a bath, a hot soaking bath. (I know, it was 109 out that day, but I just turned down the a/c a little and escaped to Louisiana.)

The house, which was spotless last week, is slowly getting dirty. I am trying to stay on top of it, but losing myself in the vampire books has not lent itself to that task.

Today it is humid, it rained a lot last night. With the rain my headache went away. I woke up at about 1am, with no migraine pain and to the pitter patter of rain drops on the roof.

My girls seem to be in better spirits this morning. Well, after Gwennie got over her stuffy nose drama this morning. They are playing nicely and I am attempting to NOT pick up the book I have laying by my bed upstairs. I just want to get my bedroom picked up and a shower taken before I delve into the vampire world.


*I really like these books, they are quick easy reads. But some don't like them due to the writing style. Me? I am ok with it. I love the story and the characters. I can not wait to read them, and have a very hard time putting them down to do anything. But they are also easy to pick up and read for a chapter. I don't know if I would recommend them to everyone. They are bloody and each have a little sex in them. But for pure entertainment, I am loving them!

**Too many spoilers in that wikipedia entry, so don't read it if you want to read the books, m'kay?

Puppy Capers, Puppy Updates

Two happy dogs.

Life with two dogs can be a pain sometimes. Penelope is (for the most part) a good dog. But she is a puppy. She was a street dog. She is not as submissive as Lily is. Lily would be a perfect dog were it not for her ability to get out of our yard.

When we leave the house, I crate the dogs . I don't want Lily to get out. When we get ready to go, I tell her "crate", and she gladly runs upstairs to her crate. She really seems to like it. I don't like having to leave her in there for more than 4 hours, so we haven't been taking too many long trips. Penelope doesn't mind the crate either. If I know we will be gone more than 4 hours, I put her outside. She is still a puppy and as such her bladder control is not 100%.

Speaking of bladder control, she rarely has accidents in the house. The last few have been because we didn't let her out, even though she was sitting right by the back door. She doesn't scratch at the door like Lily does. I am trying to teach her to ring some bells I have hung on the back door instead of scratching like Lily does. I am hoping both dogs will start ringing the bells.

The biggest issue we have with Penelope is that she was once a street dog. She may have had to fight for her life, and because of that, she is aggressive about food. She will share with Lily, sometimes but sometimes she growls at her. She will not share her rawhide chew. She will try to get food off of the counter, and will eat pretty much anything.

She knocked my curry off the counter and proceeded to lick up every last piece of rice.

Penelope is basically the same size as Lily now. Maybe a little smaller, but she may grow yet. She runs like a dopey dog, I have sound effects I make in my head when she is running by me. (Doh doh doh duh doh doh doh.) I can't seem to get a picture of the dopiness that is her. The below picture sort of shows it.


She is a puppy, there is no doubt about that. She chews a lot. She has destroyed two bras of mine. Why my bras I have to wonder. But really its about all she has destroyed, unlike Lily who killed two trees and chewed up the carpet on our bottom step. If you ever come to our house, its about the first thing you see if you look down, so very nice, eh? I am sure there are a few other things that Lily destroyed, but I can't recall. Penelope likes to chew on toys, but she doesn't tear them to shreds in moments like Lily did, she is a little more delicate about her destruction. She will carry shoes around if she gets them, but doesn't seem to want to chew on them much. She prefers her rawhide to chew on, and those? She will tear up in no time at all.

We are sad because her cute little spotty nose has turned almost all black (see above pictures). It was so unique when it was mottled. She still has on her goth lipstick and her Clockwork orange eye make-up. But we love her, and hope that when Will comes home, he does, too.

3rd Grader

Wednesday was Rhayn's first day of school. She was glad to get back to her friends. Especially after this past weekend, I was glad for her to be back.

She didn't have much to say about her first day and I am not feeling well (stomach issues) but I wanted to post her first day back picture.

I am a mess but at least not a "hot mess"

Will's brother and family came down to see him come home. So we went to see them this morning. The thing is that in order to get to where they were, we had to drive a similar route as we would have been taking had we been going to get Will. Only the mood in our car was awful. It took everything in me to keep from crying. I was a mess.

If we had been picking him up, we would have left the house only about fifteen minutes earlier. Every plane I saw in the sky made me think "Well that could be the one the rest of the unit is on..." But I kept this all to myself. I wanted to wail about it, but the girls are sad enough. I kept quiet. I tried to hold the tears in.

I did pretty well, until on the way home, driving a similar path, I started thinking that we get gypped from the cool unit homecoming you see on the evening news. We won't be surrounded by the rest of the units' families all with the same feelings inside. The girls didn't get to see the friends they had made jump into the arms of their dads. And we have to wait, wait, wait while they are all enjoying their families.

Its just not fair.

sinking

This weekend was great, we went to my parents' house on Friday night to stay the night. Then attended my sister-in-law's baby shower on Saturday afternoon. We were all giddy because Sunday was the day. The day we had been waiting for since last September when he left. The unit was returning on Sunday morning. We would get to pick him up before noon. I had called everyone I could and most of them were going to come to the welcome home. Rhayn could not stop talking about how great it would be when he came home. She has hidden her feelings about him being gone, just kind of dealing with whatever life threw in her direction.

We came home after the shower, and I saw the light on the machine blinking. I figured it was him, he can call us whenever he wants because he has his mobile again. The first message was some lady who was calling for Diane, or was Diane and was calling someone who had told her bad news. She was not happy. However this message was not for me, and so I erased it.

The next message was from him.
"Hi, Leaner, its me." (The way he usually starts messages, or sometimes just "Its me." I can usually tell his mood from the way he starts messages, this was more lighthearted than they had been lately.)
"It looks like they are going to keep me a little longer than we hoped." Um, what? That is in no way lighthearted. Then he goes into some discussion of some shoes he had found and a suit as he was at the mall shopping for the first time in about a year. Which I really didn't hear a lot of, and need to listen to again.

I turned on my computer, and listened to the first bit of the message again while waiting for it to boot up. I checked my email. I had a message from the FRG saying they were sorry he wouldn't be coming home with the rest of the unit.

And I started making calls. First him, no answer. I called my mom and told her. Then I called his brother and family and told them. They had driven to the valley from parts north and gotten a hotel room to be at his homecoming. Next I texted him "Call me call me call me." Then my brother called to ask me about a dip I had made for the baby shower (that his lovely pregnant wife was craving) and I told him. I called a friend but she was in the shower and asked her husband to have her call me back when she was out.

I paused and told the girls that Daddy would have to stay there for a little while longer. Both girls immediately drooped dejectedly.

Then he called. We had a short but good conversation. He spoke to Rhayn (which he hadn't been able to do in at least a month, she has been so busy all summer.) She asked him how much longer and was crestfallen when he answered her. He spoke to Gwennie and then back to me. Its always good to hear his voice. But knowing we won't see him for most likely another week or more.

For a few seconds, after we hung up, I felt reassured. But then it hit me... he isn't coming home yet.

The phone rang again, and I spoke to a friend, telling her what was going on. Letting most of it out. I tried to stay out of ear shot of Rhayn, she was not dealing well with the news.

When I was off the phone, I asked her if she wanted to take a bath, alone. She did. Baths soothe me and I know she needed some soothing. But when she came downstairs I could tell she was still not feeling better. Not that I really expected her to be 100% all better. She told me she was hungry and I told her she could make a sandwich, while I unpacked our suitcase. Ten minutes later I came down and she still hadn't done anything.

I snapped, and yelled at her. I told her to go to bed because obviously she wasn't that hungry. I felt like a bad mom. She was really upset. I gave myself and her a few minutes before I followed her upstairs with a granola bar in hand.

She was sobbing. I took her in my arms, and talked to her for a while. She told me that it feels like nothing goes right, she thinks our family only has bad stuff happen to it. I know that feeling. When Lily was gone, I sank into a depressive state, and that is where she is. It was therapeutic to wallow in it for me, it allowed me to get all of the emotions out that I have been keeping deeply hidden. I think it may be the same for her. She needed to cry, she needed to let out her fears and sadness. I was not happy letting her do it, I wanted to soothe her hurts and make everything all better. But I can't. I can do nothing to make this better.

Instead of tonight being the Christmas-eve like feeling that we were all expecting (excitement, difficultly in falling asleep), its more like Christmas Day night. Dejection, bleak outlook, and no reason to look forward to the morning.

he is safe

This morning the phone rang, it was just about eight. I looked at the caller ID and the number was one I hadn't seen in so long that for a second I thought, maybe, it was some one else or a wrong number. I answered, and it was exactly who I thought it was. Will. Hearing his voice, I felt such a sense of calm wash over me. You see, every time I have spoken to him lately, (which hasn't been much) he sounded tense, unhappy, and not at all like the Will I know. But today? It was peaceful and chipper.

"Do you know where I am?"
"Well, I am pretty sure you are in Texas. We have been getting information from the commander's wife."
"Damn FRG, ruining my surprise."

After he confirmed that he is no longer in theater, it felt like every worry and every stress I have felt for the past eleven months was melting away and finally allowing me to relax.

In my head these words just keep repeating:

He is safe, he is safe, he is safe.

Chemicals

Yesterday, in preparation for Will coming home, I paid a friend's house cleaner to come clean my house. She was reasonably priced and did a great job. They cleaned the baseboards which needed a wipe down, but most importantly, they cleaned the refrigerator and oven! They dusted everything. My house has never been this clean. Seriously. It took a group of four women a total of 4 and half hours to clean my house, top to bottom, not including Will's office and our guest (ahem, storage) room.

The thing is, that they used some noxious chemicals to do it. I knew I could ask them to use the stuff we use around the house, which consists of Trader Joe's Cedarwood and Sage Multipurpose Spray (I love the smell) and Method products as well as windex and Simple Green. But I wanted them to clean it the best that they could, including the gunk around the faucets. They did. My sinks are cleaner than I have ever gotten them.

But it comes at a cost. Both Rhayn and I were sneezing the entire time they were here. Today my head is stuffed up, and I have had to take an antihistamine in order to stop sneezing and dripping.

Its possible that I just have a cold. But sadly I doubt that. I really think that the chemicals used in my house (and the lingering smell of them) is causing my respritory issues today.

I guess that in the future, when I decide to call her again for her awesome services, I will ask her to use my cleaning supplies. And until then, lets just hope that the respritory issues I am having go away soon.

My next step is to tidy up the back and front yards as well as the car. After that, I think I am pretty much done. Maybe a trip to the grocery store is in order. I may only have a few days to fnish these projects, as we have recieved word the Will should be stateside by tonight. TONIGHT! Then he will be home, possibly in a few days.

Light

Lets think back to nearly a year ago. M'kay? I was an emotional mess because Will was leaving. I was unable see past the foggy year ahead.

Now here I am, at the end. The light at the end of the tunnel is growing brighter every day. Today we received word that they are no longer in the war zone, and are indeed on their way home. A huge smile is on my face and I am so excited and nervous. There is very little reason to be nervous, but I am.

A Vow: Part 4 (In which I turn 50)

The last time I wrote about my little problem, (here) the family doctor wanted me to see a specialist in "that area." About a week ago, I received the approval from Tricare (military healthcare) and the number of the doctor I was authorized to see.

I called and the earliest appointment they had was the 20th of August, but they put me on a list, to be called if anyone canceled their appointment. On Friday I received such a call, asking if I was available to come in on Monday at nine a.m.

Today's appointment was just an initial discussion. Dr. S. wanted to ascertain what was going on and whether surgery would be the best option. He listened to my symptoms and asked many questions. Then he palpated my abdomen. There was a bit of soreness around my navel when he was pressing.

I sat up (without him taking any looks at the area in question, I got to stay fully dressed!) and he started to tell me that before they would remove the "problems" they want to make sure that is ALL it is. Then he asked me if I know anything about Crohn's Disease. I didn't but looked it up when I got home. He did tell me a little about it. Its not likely that I have it, but they want to be sure. With pain around my ileum there could be inflammation there, and that is an indicator of Crohn's.

And then he dropped the bomb.

"I think that our best bet is to go in there and see what is going on. I want you to have a colonoscopy."
Jaw drops. "Ok." (My mom had one recently, since they are routine when you get to that age, and she has some bowel issues that I have never had, dealing with irregularity. She had explained it all to me.)

I am scheduled to go in on the 10th of September. I have my instructions (lots of laxatives the day before and no real food.) They had earlier appointments, but I wanted Will to be home a few weeks before he has to take his wife in for such an awesome procedure. (Plus, it would have been right around when my moon cycle is. Joy, see talking about that, again.)

Until then, I am to keep using the anucort (I love that word for some reason, its fun to say) and try to stay regular, which is not a problem, the only time I am irregular is when I am pregnant.

Good time, I tell ya. Good times.

Next

Things around here are slowly getting done. But I know that the original date I heard is not going to happen. We have a bit longer before Will comes home*. Not that I will slow down on getting everything done or anything silly like that. I have been slowly working on one room every day and that has made it seem less daunting. I had really let the house go.

Today we/I tackled the dining room. Now normally its not a room that I have to clean much usually a quick table wipe down and a vacuum and that is it. But since Will's been gone, we haven't been eating in there, at. all. Seriously, sitting down to eat at the dining room table was one of the few things I could not make us do. I tried. But I would feel so sad and lonely. Then we would pick up and move to the kitchen table and I would sit my butt in front of the t.v. and watch Frasier or Friends, or a movie, while the girls sat behind me. Awful. I hated this routine every time we did it. But you see, dinner, for our family, is a big deal. Its the time we all sit together and talk. We catch up on each others' day. Will sits at the head of the table and with out him in that seat, I couldn't do it without him there.

The dining room table had been pushed against the wall, and most recently used to house all of the give away crap I was gathering. The dogs' crates had taken up residence in that room as well. Lily liked this because the window directly behind her goes to the street. But I want to use that room to eat in again once Will is home.

Everything was moved out, and the table put back in its proper place. Also Lily likes this, because she can run around it like a maniac with her butt nearly touching the floor as she makes the tight corners. Penelope has never know she could do this before. The room was picked up, and vacuumed.

And tomorrow? Well I am sure I will have yet another titillating blog post for you about a vow I made a while back. I am seeing the second doctor about that little issue. (Not a family care practitioner, either.)

*As far as I know Will is still in Iraq. I got an email saying he was going to be really busy the next few days, and would update me as soon as possible. Lets just hope his update is "I am no longer in Iraq" because that would be awesome. Pushing back when he comes home is going to stink for us, because of well, where he may be coming home in my moon cycle. Yes, I went there (and most likely will again before he gets home). If your spouse had been away from home for this long, wouldn't you be thinking about that little detail, too? You know you would.

Eye Eye Matey

Last night under my right eye started to itch. Not like I needed to scratch it, but it was quite irritating and I kept touching it. When I stopped to look at it, the under eye was quite puffy. This morning, I awoke to my left eye full of goop and itchy. The right eye itches a little, and the under eye puffiness is gone, but replaced by red.

Ugh... possibly I have pink eye? Fun times. I do have some homeopathic pink eye drops that really seem to have helped me this morning. I don't think I will be wearing any eye make-up for a few days though. (I heart my mascara... have you tried the Maybelline lash stiletto kind? Love it. It says "Lashes look leaner, unlawfully long." Its the mascara for me!)

No Wonder I am Tired!

Today Gwennie and I have had a nice day with each other (as Rhayn would say.) You see Rhayn had camp and then is staying the night at her friend L's house. We had to drop her off at camp at 9, then went to Costco. It had been probably 2 months since we were there last. Not that much has changed, but we needed batteries and cat litter. Fun stuff, you know.

Then we came home.

Which was followed by hours of me cleaning closets. I have been purging like a maniac lately. It feels good to get rid of the baby stuff. If its not here, for me to see, maybe it will be easy if we never have another baby. I set the majority of it out for pick-up today. I know, I could have sold it on Craig's List, but that would require me putting it up on there, and honestly, I know I won't. Instead of stressing about it, and trying to save those things, I just placed them out on the curb while we were gone and the VVA picked them up. Its easier for me to get rid of things that way.

I have gone through so many boxes and closets and things lately that the dust has been stirred up every day. My eyes are itchy. So itchy in fact that a couple of nights ago my eyes were itchy in. my. dream. Last night I took benadryl in hopes of combating that awful dream. It must have helped because my dreams were not plagued with itchy eyes again.

After the awesome purging and rearranging and general clean up, Gwennie and I went out to eat. We ate at a steak house not too far from my house. It has awesome views of the city. The steak was good and I ate most of it. There was a little left over to bring home to the dogs.

I have been thinking about left overs from restaurants lately. Do you think they would look at me strangely if I started bring tupperware-type containers to my favorite curry house? Instead of getting the Styrofoam to-go boxes? I really want to stop getting those things. Its so much trash, and often for just a small portion. But I digress.

We came home, and I fed our pooches. The small scraps of steak were well received. (Was there any doubt in your minds that they would be?) The weather was ideal for a short walk. I wanted to take both dogs, but without Rhayn to help it wasn't possible. Gwennie wanted to walk Nelly, but as soon as we were out of the front door Nelly was yanking the leash so hard Gwennie was running. We took Nelly back in and only took Lily with us. If Rhayn was home, she can hold Nelly, but she is just a tad bit too strong for Gwennie.

We didn't walk far, but we stopped at the park for about ten minutes on the way home. Gwennie and I took Lily down the slide. I love doing it. If I go first, she doesn't seem to mind at all. We did it three times. The first two she was behind me, the third she managed to get in front and wasn't too keen on that. But she must not hate it too badly, because she climbs the steps to the slide again and again without any fuss.

Now we are home, and I am going to put Gwennie to bed while I watch a movie downstairs. I miss Rhayn, when she is away its always lonely. But Gwennie is good company, too. Hopefully this week my parents will be taking Gwennie for a day, and Rhayn for a few days. It will be nice to have some time with just Rhayn. Its been a long time since she and I did anything, just us. I wonder what she will want to do?

Adventures with Lily

This morning, I got up, did a few sun salutations (helps me get going in the morning, although I overdid it yesterday and am sore today.) Then put the dogs out while I went upstairs to get the kids up and ready.

While we were upstairs Lily jumped the fence. Again. I came down to let them in, and only Nelly comes running in. I go outside, and call for Lily. I walk around to the side gate, no Lily. I grab my flip flops and go in the front, calling her the whole time.

No Lily.

I walk back in, grab my keys and tell Rhayn to make her lunch and get some breakfast for them both. Then I open the garage door, leash in hand and start to walk down the street. (Garage door open in case she comes running up she will go in there.) I know she won't run from me. That is one good thing, I guess.

A man is walking down the street.

He says "Do you have a brown and white dog?"
"No, she's more white with little black spots."
"Is she about this big? (gestures with his hands) and probably a pit with a bone tag on her collar?"
"Yes."
"Well I was walking my dogs and I saw he, but couldn't grab her because my dogs would fight her. So I ran home and put them up then came back to see if I could catch her."
Jaw drops. Really? Is this guy my guardian angel for the day? Really.
"What is her name?"
"Lily"
He walks away, yelling "Lily" while I go inside to tell the girls I am running down the road.

I head onto the trail that Will runs her on. No Lily. Instead a darn chihuahua starts following me. I figure his barking will interest Lily if she is close by. Nope. I keep walking. Mumbling obscenities to myself. This is not how I wanted to spend my morning. Not at all.

I make my loop, and head back. I see the girls outside, there is a school bus heading down the street, and that guy is by my house, too. I start running (not easy, remember I put on flip flops?)

"She's down there!" yells the guy.
"I saw your dog running on the trail," says the bus driver as he drives by slowly, "you can probably catch her if you go that way."

I run off down the road while the guy runs down the other side (its a block) so we can head her off. I get to the end, out of breath. Its 93* this morning.

"She's over there," he says pointing over to the trail, "but she wouldn't come to me."
"Come here, Lily," I call her. She runs up to me, panting, and happy looking. I put her leash on. Then turn to the guy, "Thank you."
He says "You are welcome" as he walks off.

Because I want to blog, but don't have much to say.

Lets see... what is going on in our lives? Not a whole lot. This week Rhayn is at camp from 9 until 4 every day. But I am a little unhappy with what they are doing. I was under the impression that they would be taught good things, like self defense, and nutrition. But so far they swim all morning, climb the rock wall, and paint their nails. Oh, and today a really girly place called "Girly Girlz" came and did their hair. She is having a good time, and is not home complaining about being bored, so I guess that is one good thing.


Yesterday while she was at camp, my Dad came over and helped me fix my sprinklers and clean up the yard a bit. All in the 114 degree heat. While I was taking a short break I found this little guy running on my tree. I put my hand in his way and he ran right onto it. Isn't he just the cutest thing? I had to turn my camera onto the super macro setting to get this picture.

Last weekend we went out to eat and I took this picture of Gwennie. I love the reflection of her smile.

And yes, I am out of stuff to say. And honestly I really am trying to keep myself calm about Will coming home, so not thinking about it too much. Well, I am thinking about it a lot, but trying to remain zen about it. I am doing a pretty good job... for the most part... most of the time.

Through Gwennie's Lens

This morning I was uploading pictures from one of my cameras. Yes, I have two, a nice one for distance shots, and a pocket sized point and shoot. I noticed some pictures from long ago (May) that I didn't take. Apparently Gwennie had gotten the camera and just started taking pictures. These always crack me up, there are a lot of blurry pictures of things I have no idea what they were meant to be. And many pictures with fingers over the lens. But in there were a few beauties.

Here are the gems.

Gwennie's Self portrait, including part of her friend's face.


Spongebob table still life.


Legs resting on table, self.


From top to bottom, following dog.


Mommy's sunburned belly (and a very bad angle that makes her look about four months along, or maybe its just the weight I have gained this past year, it all clings to that part of me, belly thighs and butt.)

Walking Down a Dusty Memory Lane

Today feels like its going to be a rough one. Its not even ten in the morning and already I am yelling at the kids. Admittedly, I stayed up too late last night going down memory lane while trying to whittle down boxes of mementos that filled part of my closet. Admittedly I did so whilst drinking (therefore making it easier to let go of some of the junk.) I didn't actually get into bed until nearly eleven.

Then there was the puppy wake up call at five thirty. I let her out, then let Lily out, then let Nelly back in the house (because she is still recovering from surgery) and lay supine on the couch, hoping that Mean Kitty would come purr on my chest. She indulged me and I dozed easily with her white noise filling my ears. Until seven, when Gwennie traipsed downstairs to wake me up.

My head is stuffy from all of the dust contained in those boxes. There were nine boxes total, nine boxes of journals, t-shirts, magazines, cassette tapes, 7-inch vinyl records and pictures. I managed to move things around and get rid of enough stuff that now there are only five boxes. The contents of those are as follows:

1. old magazines, I can't seem to get rid of (also a pair of monkey boots that I have held onto for 14 years. The tread is nearly gone, and they have been glued back together more than once and are therefore NOT watertight. Why do I keep them?)
   
2. half filled notebooks of my thoughts. Dating form 1996 to 2002 or 3. (I had a lot of thoughts during that time period.)
   
3. band t-shirts and a hoody.
   
4. a few old bottles and breakables
5. sketch pads and pictures.
   

Hopefully I will feel better once we get out of the house.

Ten Years Ago

Ah, to be 21 again... ok, maybe not. I was not happy when I was 21, I had been living in Colorado, and had awesome friends there. But was madly in love with this one guy in Arizona. Stupidly I drove myself back to Arizona to be with him. I am pretty sure these were both written while we were attempting to be a couple again. (It didn't work out, obviously. I met Will the following January.)

1aug99
i sit alone. amidst all of you. do you even notice me? i sit and wonder if its worth it to live. waiting for happiness promised as a child. yet i wait for you to realize that i am here, that i feel, that i am lonely.waiting constantly for some sign that i am even a part of all that i see. do i get to participate any time soon?

i sit alone amidst the crowds, everywhere i go. do i fit in anywhere? each little group is so into themselves. no hope for me to join, there is not a single soul to click with, but there are so many of the same faces or similar to those seen before. so many of the same conversations heard before or maybe i'm just sick of waiting to join.

I was always attending parties, the same faces there, the same stupid crowds of drunks. I wasn't a drinker and though usually I had a great time at parties, watching the same iduits do the same things... I was ready for change. No more parties in the desert watching 30 guys get drunk, while I listened to fairly decent punk bands play. Or maybe this was right before I took that long drive home. I can't rightly remember. I may have waited until September to come back... not really sure.


4aug99
this girl i know seems to happy. she's always smiling, always laughing.
this girl i know never gets depressed, nothing makes her mad.
this girl i know knows where she's going
she's got her life mapped out.
this girl i know is doing thing to get her act together, she's going places.
this girl i know hides all her hate behind a plastic smile.
she constantly tries to fake a life filled with joy.
why can't she just show that she's a person just like me?

I sort of wish I knew who I was talking about. Maybe it was me? But I didn't have my life mapped out. At this point in my life I was so messed up, and so not sure what I wanted to do. Oh, wait. I am still not sure exactly what I want to do. Well I have ideas, and plans. They all take time, though.