Ten Years Ago

Ah, to be 21 again... ok, maybe not. I was not happy when I was 21, I had been living in Colorado, and had awesome friends there. But was madly in love with this one guy in Arizona. Stupidly I drove myself back to Arizona to be with him. I am pretty sure these were both written while we were attempting to be a couple again. (It didn't work out, obviously. I met Will the following January.)

1aug99
i sit alone. amidst all of you. do you even notice me? i sit and wonder if its worth it to live. waiting for happiness promised as a child. yet i wait for you to realize that i am here, that i feel, that i am lonely.waiting constantly for some sign that i am even a part of all that i see. do i get to participate any time soon?

i sit alone amidst the crowds, everywhere i go. do i fit in anywhere? each little group is so into themselves. no hope for me to join, there is not a single soul to click with, but there are so many of the same faces or similar to those seen before. so many of the same conversations heard before or maybe i'm just sick of waiting to join.

I was always attending parties, the same faces there, the same stupid crowds of drunks. I wasn't a drinker and though usually I had a great time at parties, watching the same iduits do the same things... I was ready for change. No more parties in the desert watching 30 guys get drunk, while I listened to fairly decent punk bands play. Or maybe this was right before I took that long drive home. I can't rightly remember. I may have waited until September to come back... not really sure.


4aug99
this girl i know seems to happy. she's always smiling, always laughing.
this girl i know never gets depressed, nothing makes her mad.
this girl i know knows where she's going
she's got her life mapped out.
this girl i know is doing thing to get her act together, she's going places.
this girl i know hides all her hate behind a plastic smile.
she constantly tries to fake a life filled with joy.
why can't she just show that she's a person just like me?

I sort of wish I knew who I was talking about. Maybe it was me? But I didn't have my life mapped out. At this point in my life I was so messed up, and so not sure what I wanted to do. Oh, wait. I am still not sure exactly what I want to do. Well I have ideas, and plans. They all take time, though.