20080815

Emotional Mess

The closer it gets to the date that Will leaves (September 5th), the closer my emotions are to the surface. The closer we get to saying "See you later," the harder I have to fight to keep myself from crying at the drop of a hat. I have never felt like this when I wasn't pregnant (I am not, having just finished moon time). I have always been able to corral the crying and only do it when I was alone.

Right now its nearly impossible to go a day without tears. This is wreaking havoc on me. I am having a hard time sleeping, no matter how tired I am. I am fighting throughout the day to keep myself in even fairly good spirits. All of my normal coping methods are not working. We haven't established a routine, since school just started, and that feels off kilter. I am waking up really early to have a moment with Will in the morning. That makes my day feel like an eternity.

I want to curl into the fetal position and stay that way. Instead I am forcing myself to do projects. Today I took Gwennie to the library and Home Depot to buy some seeds to plant in the garden this weekend. We had an emissions test performed on our car (there is nothing like paying $30 to have them tell you that your car is not pluming smoke behind it.)

So what now? What should I do to keep myself going? Will doesn't have any time off before he leaves (that I know of.) His schedule changes every day and we are never even sure if he will be home in time to eat dinner with us.

College starts in just over a week. That will keep me going a little. I am still fearing dropping my Goober off at someone's house. But I know she will do fine. Its me that I am worried about more. How will I cope? Is this going to be the straw that puts me over the edge and into the bad place? Or will having a little time by myself help me to feel complete again?

6 comments:

HomeSlice said...

Hey H - I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know I'd be doing the same thing (only I'd be staying in the fetal position). I'm going to send you an email with something that might help just a tad :-)

Cristina

Mo said...

I am sorry you all have to go through this!

I don't have any sage advice I am afraid. This is a tough one and all I can suggest is for you to try to lean on those who love and care for you to get through it.

Wish I could make it all go away for you though! :( x

Alicia said...

I'm so so sorry you're going though this. I can't even imagine how it must feel. I think I'd be staying in that fetal position, too.

Sara said...

It would take much less for me to be in a fetal position. I can't even imagine what you're going through or how hard it is. Try not to hold everything in (except maybe around the kids), get all the loving in you can before he goes, and keep yourself so exhausted you won't have a choice but to sleep. That being said, not even that always works for me. I hope it gets easier and that the anticipation is worse than his being gone. I hope.

abeNanna said...

You know we are always just a phone call away. And are always close to our thoughts. We love you.

Crystal said...

It will be both. I know because I've done it a couple of times. The last deployment was difficult bc I didn't get to talk to him much, and I didn't have an FRG, and he was on a small team in dangerous places. But I sort of got into a "groove" or pace of my own, if you will. And you will, too. And I chose to take the "growth" route - that is, I chose to use the time as wisely as possible, working on myself, my health, my Christian faith, and took the time to be introspective. It was a real growing year. I would have rather had my husband by my side, but I don't think I could have made some of the personal realizations that I did without the deployment. I also had several times that I got into a funk. And I allowed myself a pity party for a few days...then picked myself back up and got back into the routine. You'll get through this. It will be difficult at times. But you will see the other side of it, and you'll be amazed at how strong you really were when you do.

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