Partially finished projects...

Last week I was at Costco, and picked up a couple of rose bushes. You see in Arizona it is the time to plant things like that. I got a "Donna Darlin'" and a "Frivolous Pink" and the next day proceeded to plant them. I started digging the first hole with no problems. But about half way in to the second hold, I felt a rock or something. My shovel was stuck under it, so I popped it out. Crack! I heard. That was when I realized I had just broken the drip line PVC pipe. (Words I shouldn't say came out of my mouth at this point!) I stopped, stared at the hole, and gasped. Then started digging in a place less likely to have a pipe in it.

The next day, I went outside to hang something on the line, and noticed that the entire side yard was flooded. Like, seriously a bloody river was flowing (our backyard's landscaping includes this reddish 1/4 inch landscaping rock. But it has a lot of reddish dust in it, when it gets wet or the dog rolls in it- it shows up as russet.) I ran into the front yard and turned off the drip system. The water had broken the pipe joint completely. Where I had merely fractured it, it was now two separate pieces.

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!

Its been a week and I finally fixed it today. I wanted, no needed, someone to tell me that it wasn't too bad. I had merely broken the elbow joint. Not a huge deal to replace. We even had Christy's Red Hot Blue Glue (best stuff ever!) to fix it. Its done now, and hopefully I did a good job. I am not reburying it until it has fully cured (twenty-four hours) and the drip has run a few times. Not a big deal to have a hole in the front yard.

Fixed.

Today I also decided I would finish putting up my concrete block wall for my raised bed garden. (Please excuse the dog excrement that shows up behind the garden.) It wasn't hard. I had originally put it in a different part of the yard, but had since decided to move it to a sunnier place. I am not yet sure if I should finish it out by extending it the additional four feet. The spot it is in was our sand box. Which was huge. I want to move the sand box to where the garden originally was. But I think the sand box will probably just live on the side of the garden for now. Even with the garden there- its still huge.

Shush- I know it isn't perfectly straight. I can live with that, can you?
Can you imagine it filled with lovely plants? I am already picturing it.

Is Waiting REALLY the Hardest Part?

There comes a point during deployment where you just become nonchalant about it all. I mean its like you forget what it felt like to have him home, to have him to talk to whenever you want. You think about it, and its like your childhood, a long distant old memory. And you think, it has to be even harder for him, because you at least have the house you resided in as a couple, the bed you shared, the children you created together. There are more things and places that spark those little memories.

Then the kids remind you. They start asking about Daddy. They pick up the mobile phone, which has a picture of him as wallpaper, and talk to him even though he isn't on the line. They say "Remember when Daddy..." and you do. Together these little people keep you grounded in the place that you and he had once occupied as a couple. These little parts of your relationship keep you from drifting so far into your single life. (Not the fun swinging single life, no its nothing like that- its harder, its lonelier, but you are still living that way- singly.)

You know he will eventually come home, and everything that you have become used to will flap away in the wind. You will have to find that place where you existed together. But at the same time, neither of you will be the same. You will have to learn to coexist again. And this time, with so much distance between you- it might not work. There may be things that have come between you, changes that are irreconcilable. You can hope it won't happen. But deep down you know its a possibility.

But you still trudge onward. Waiting out the longest year. Waiting out and knowing that although this part is hard- what lies ahead is even harder. But quite honestly? What else could you do?

Birth Story Tag/Meme

Apparently I just have nothing to say so I am doing tags and memes.

1. Where were you when you first found out you were pregnant?
1st: At my friend's house.
2nd: At home in my bathroom.


2. Who was with you?
1st: Um, my friend.
2nd: Rhayn

3. What was your first reaction?
1st: Oh crap.
2nd: Ecstatic.

4.What was your husband's reaction?
1st: Its complicated.
2nd: He was excited, but worried that something would happen. (I had already had 2 miscarriages)

5. Who was the first person you told?
1st: My friend, then my mom/dad
2nd: Online friends. I was so excited that I couldn't wait for Will to get home.

6. Were the pregnancies planned?
1st: no- not at all. We were not even together when I found out.
2nd: Oh yes, she was very planned.


7. Was everyone happy for you?
1st: Its hard to say- unmarried, 22, not even with the father. No probably not.
2nd: I think so.


8. What was the sex?
1st: Girl
2nd: Girl

9. What was the nursery theme/colors?
1st: right, a theme? None
2nd: Hahahaha

10. Did anyone throw a shower for you?
1st: Yes, my mom and her good friend did.
2nd: No, but since my sister was having her first baby at the same time, she had one. I received a few gifts there.


11. Did you get any outfits you wouldn't use?
1st: Sure
2nd: I think I used some of the aforementioned outfits for Gwennie.

12. How much weight did you gain?
1st: 50ish lbs
2nd: 25ish lbs

13. Did you get stretch marks?
1st: On my BUTT!
2nd: Yes a few, but mostly around my belly button

14. Did you crave anything crazy?
1st: Dr. Pepper, Sauerkraut, Big Macs,
2nd: Lemons with salt on them, hashbrowns with cheese and onions, In and Out cheeseburgers (because I was too high class to eat at McDonalds.)

15. Who or what got on your nerves the most?
1st: No one that I can think of, I think when I am pregnant I am less annoyed at people.
2nd: Same, but I do remember Rhayn being a little annoying.

16. Where were you when you went into labor?
1st: At home, but I think I really started labor in Math 151.
2nd: We started my labor at home on the couch.

17. Did you have any complications?
1st: None
2nd: She was breech for a while and had to have her turned, but it was successful.

18. Did your water break?
1st: The darn nurse broke it.
2nd: The midwife broke it.

19. Who drove you to the hospital?
1st: My Dad
2nd: We stayed home- HOME BIRTH Yeah!

20. Did you go early or late?
1st: I went into labor on her due date but she was born the next morning.
2nd: Ditto- on her due date and born the next day.

21. Who was in the room?
1. My mom, Dad and Grandma (it was the first baby she ever saw being born, it made her middle name even more special. Also my grandma cut the cord.) Um the doctor, some nurses.
2. Will, my mom, the midwife, student midwife, my dad was right outside the door. And my sister (dacheese) and Rhayn were downstairs.

22. Did you video tape it?
No- not at all.

23. Did you have any pain medication?
1st: epidural
2nd: nothing at all

24. Did you have a c-section or natural?
vaginal both times.

25. What was your reaction to the birth?
They were awesome, but Gwennie's birth was empowering. I felt like superwoman afterward!

26. How big was the baby?
1st: 6 lbs 14 oz
2nd: 8 lbs


27. What was the baby's full name?
1st: Rhayn Loretta (my Grandma's first name)
2nd: Gwennie Meg

28. Did your husband cry?
1. He wasn't even there at Rhayn's birth. I know- I don't want to talk about the stupidness, ok?
2. No. He was too busy worrying about everything to be emotional.

29. When is the next one coming?
Um... talk to Will. I would like it in the next year. He says never. So its a toss up.

30. If you could, would you do it all over again?
Yes. Although I would do Rhayn's birth differently. I would, for one thing, allow Will to be there. I really screwed that up. It was an awful thing to do to keep him away from the birth of his first child. Luckily it didn't stop the bonding at all.

Have I raised a monster? Or is she just missing her Daddy?

Is it wrong that I secretly wish Gwennie had had an ear infection? Because that would at least explain the temper tantrum she is currently (and has been for thirty minutes) throwing at my feet. It would explain her strong desire for me to "hold her" at all times.

I took a shower a little while ago. We had taken the car in to get new brakes, then we came home and I worked on my garden a little. I felt sticky and stinky so I hopped into the shower. I asked her if she wanted to come it. But she sat on the floor telling me that she never will sleep with me again.

THEN when I turned off the water she started screaming "I want you to take a shower wifff mmmeeeeeeeeee!" It has turned into a screaming cry sound of "mooooommmmmeeeee" over and over like a drill in my stuffed up head.

I know that she needs a nap. But she fights them, hard, unless we are in the car. Then she gives in like nothing. She screams like this until I calm her down somehow, usually offering to hold her. (She is now sitting in my lap eating an m&m premium triple chocolate. Thanks Homeslice!) I know if we sit still enough, she will fall asleep soundly soon.

At night, she fights sleep. She tries to play she bounces and asks me to hold her. By hold her, she means, lay ON TOP of me, while I try to read. Sometimes I am so tired I do give in to that. She is having a hard time. She misses her Daddy more and more each day. In fact today, while we waited for the brakes to get fixed we sat at Starbucks and she talked on the phone pretending it was Daddy for a few minutes. She also told me that last night she had a dream about Daddy and how he liked horses. This is rough on me. Rough on them. Rough on him, too. I do not know how to help her, because nothing makes that sadness from him being gone go away. Nothing makes her feel better about his not being here.

Five minutes have gone by, she is fast asleep on my chest, which is how she slept a lot as an infant. I would sit at my computer, while she slept soundly sitting against me. Her face, is relaxed and looks just like a larger version of that infant face, less round, but the mouth open the same way it hung open then. She seems to want constant contact. Maybe she is just going through a separation anxiety phase. Maybe its all because of Daddy. All I know for sure is that I am really ready for her to be out of this stage.

100 Things

Highlight the ones you have done
Come on you know you want to do it too! (Thanks Mo, this is a fun one! Glad you found it.)

1. Started your own blog (well duh, I actually have a few.)
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (Band nerd from 5th grade to 11th)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (I think the first time I went I was 2, right mom?)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis (We always have them in the spring and summer, my daughters found the egg case this year, so we are watching it waiting for them to hatch!)
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (Knitting!)
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning (bleh not fun!)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables (This last year, I finally grew some of my own.)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked (this was during a bad time of my life, and is a very long story that some day I will tell, but maybe my mom shouldn't read it.)
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (Of course, but mostly it was my kid who was ill.)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping (With my girl pals my freshman year of high school.)
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset (I routinely watch them both!)
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelos David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt (And I want to watch it again!)
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (He became a good friend after that. I have also had my meal purchased by a stranger, without them ever saying a word. It feels really good!)
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud (There are pictures of this somewhere- I was about 10, right Hairball?)
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper (I was in second grade at the time.)
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House (but only if you count seeing the outside and not the inside!)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (well sort of, I was with my family when we were butchering the chickens. I remember it vividly, I think I was 5.)
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous (Webster yeah Emmanuel Lewis cause he's the anti-christ)
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby (twice)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake (and in all the pictures of us swimming in it I am picking my butt because I was wearing my younger cousin's panties and she was wearing mine.)
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day (routinely I do this!)

Ear Update

Nothing going on. No fever, no more complaints. It looks like whatever was bothering her yesterday is gone today.

Crossed fingers that its just because she was tired.

Gwennie is being a bit of a brat today, I mean a handful. She has broken down bawling at least five times. We went to the grocery store and she lay her head down on the handle the whole time, only lifting her head and getting a tiny bit excited when I asked her if she wanted a donut. (I wanted one, not something we normally get at Fry's.)

At home she helped me water our newly planted roses. Then watched while I put up a little fence for the compost. Which I had to do since I have a dog who thinks compost is tasty.

Inside again I trimmed her hair because she wanted her bangs back. She went in the other room to play while I did laundry. Not much later she comes in, and tells me her right ear hurts. I tried to get her to explain more (and I looked at her ear), but she was just tired. She wanted to watch Wonder Pets Save the Reindeer. But I talked her into Shrek. Not even a half hour in and she is out. Totally out. I am a little worried about that ear thing. She has been acting ill, but without a fever. I guess I just have to watch her.

Cleaning the House

Did you know that if no one comes to my house for weeks on end, I do not clean it? Yup, I need people to come over to keep my house clean. It is ridiculous. When Will is home, I do it for him. I feel like he deserves to come home to a clean (ish) house. Its rare that I clean for myself, although I should because when the dust builds up I stop being able to breath well in my bedroom at night. You would think that would keep my room clean, but it doesn't. Seriously it has been one of the dirtiest rooms in my house lately. (And I spend like 70% of my time in here because it is where my computer is!)

So today I am cleaning, because tomorrow handwork is being held here. I love handwork and the beautiful women who attend. I love talking to them, or even just listening. Its almost like what we had in Richmond, but not quite (there are kids there- and maybe not quite as much camaraderie.) But it works as a once a week chat-fest. I wish it felt as comfortable as the Richmond trip did. I really don't know why it doesn't. I have known these women longer, maybe it is because I KNOW them, and SEE them on a regular basis. Maybe because I am more reserved around them. Maybe it is the turnover from year to year. Some of them have seen me at my worst and maybe I feel the need to hide that from everyone.

Maybe it goes back to me being strong for this time, while Will is gone. If I let myself really feel how I feel, I lose it completely. Instead the sadness and tears eek out because of silly things. You want to know how many times I was teary eyed yesterday as I listened to NPR's coverage of the inauguration? Every other minute. I had to turn it off at one point before I began bawling. Now, I think it would have made me a little misty eyed normally, but this was tears streaming down my face. It was a release I rarely allow myself to have. It was a beautiful day, lovely speeches, lovely interviews. It just felt way more emotional than I think I would have normally felt.

What a Great weekend!

Friday morning I left Phoenix at 6:40 am. The sun had not even risen when the plane left the ground. Looking out of the window, over the sleepy metro area, the street lamps lit up in a grid that reminded me of a circuit board with pathways connecting one place to another. The sun rose quickly as we flew towards it, lighting the sky from a midnight blue to a cerulean and then the even lighter blue it becomes as the sun fills the sky with light.

Chicago

Upon entry into the Chicago area, I was surprised at the amount of snow covering the ground. I should not have been, when they told us the temperatures there were about -9. It was so cold that the second you stepped off of the plane onto the ramp it was hard to breath. Once inside the warmth of the airport the cold wafted in occasionally when a gate was opened. I think the chill even seeped in through the windows and doors when they are shut.

My flight was delayed because an airplane had malfunctioned at the gate we were meant to leave from. However it only delayed our arrival in Richmond by about forty minutes. As we landed the voice from above told us we could now use out mobile phones and two way pagers. (Who has one of those?) Approximately two seconds after I turned my phone on it rang. Jess was on the line saying they were right outside the airport waiting in a white car. Another wave of anxiety washed over me, this had been happening since we took off from Chicago. Fear spreading, worry that they wouldn't like me, moments of near panic as I contemplated that I would soon be meeting four women, (the 5th would be picked up after me) four extremely smart, snarky, funny, and lovely women. I worried about if they would like me, would I fit in, how long would it take before I felt comfortable talking to them like we do online.

I trudged forward, my feet dragging with fear. I knew that the fear was silly. But it didn't stop me from feeling it. And as usually it was all anxiety for nothing.

It took about 2.5 seconds for me to feel comfortable with them. As long as it took for my feet to thaw. I slid into the back seat of the white car with four women whom I had never met, and felt immediate friendship and a sense that we all care for each other. It felt natural like I had known them all my life instead of mere minutes.

It is an awesome camera, I know.

We headed to the train station for the last pickup. Her train was delayed an hour. Bleh. We were all tired and ready to be out of the car. Especially Sara who was feeling a little nauseous when anyone simply mentioned the airport and the circles they had driven all day. When we were finally all together, it was so comfortable and easy.

Back at Cristina's house, a lovely three story colonial in a fancy neighborhood, we ate crackers and cheese while she made cheddar lager fondue. It was good, especially with the apples (I love apples dipped in hot cheese.) But even better than the food was the camaraderie, the jokes, the laughter the fun. It was totally the way I had always imagined like would be like with girlfriends at a weekend away from the kids. We talked until about midnight when we all went to bed.

Seven in the morning and some of us were up. Alicia and I sat and talked, we attempted to work the coffee pot but decided we shouldn't even try. We waited for Cristina to work it. When we had all meandered down then back up to get dressed, we went to Starbucks for more coffee. (Or chai in my case.)

We ate brunch at the Silver Diner where I enjoyed grits, mmmm. Then headed out for shopping in the icy weather at Cary Town. The chill in the air (it was in the 30s I think) made it hard for me to want to shop or to even function. Plus we waited way too long between brunch and dinner. I felt drained when we went back to the house to wait for dinner.

It is the Trunk Elf.

Dinner was at Joe's Inn. The portions were enormous. We had called earlier for a reservation and told they don't take them. Also we were told that a table for 6 at 6 would be no problem. HA! We waited an hour, near the front door freezing out hineys off. Before dinner I had had a few sips of champagne (not something I like) it was the beginning of stupid, believe me, I have learned my lesson. I ordered a Spaghetti a la Rudd, spaghetti with feta, fresh spinach, garlic, and cheese that is baked. It had marinara on the side. I barely made a dent in the dish. I was not the only one with tons of leftovers. Most of us ordered spaghetti and maybe at a third of the plateful. I also had a gin and tonic (stupid, part 2).

We get home, filled to the brim with pasta. Sara makes daiquiris, strawberry with rum (stupid, part 3). They were enjoyed by us all. Then she made peach with vodka, as we were out of rum (stupid, part 4). Cristina was feeling ill so she went to bed at 12ish. The rest of us stayed up talking until 2 am. Big mistake.

Mimosa! Bleck.

Sunday morning I felt awful. I made the mistake of having coffee which hurt my stomach. Then had a chai and panini sandwich at Starbucks. We dropped the first person off at the airport and the curvy Virginia roads made me feel very queasy. We had lunch in Cafe Gutenburg which was so cute and the food was probably awesome. I don't know. I was trying to keep from vomiting. It was then that I decided I had a hangover. The worst one I have ever had. We dropped Annita off at the airport after lunch and went to Cristina's for a few hours before dropping Sara off at the airport. I was the only one staying until Monday. If I had had to get on the plane with my hangover, I think I would have wanted to die. As it was I wanted to curl into a ball and sleep. But I was not able to nap. I should have eaten that would have helped.

Right after we dropped Sara off at the airport, and before Cristina's husband and girls came home, she dumped out the greek wine that no one had liked. She and I both gagged. The smell filled the room and made the queasy feeling worse. I sat at the table unable to stand very well. When Mike came in, he laughed at us. He thought our pain was funny, but was also understanding and helped us both through it. He made us eat (or at least took us to dinner where I nibbled on tortilla chips and slowly sipped a sprite.) He kept asking us what kind of drinks we wanted, beer? tequila? I am pretty sure he was really enjoying the state we were in. Eating did make it feel a little better, as did sequestering myself away at seven and laying on the bed. I was alsleep around nine.

Once again I was up around seven. But this time I slowly showered and got dressed before walking down the two flights of stairs. I was feeling a lot better, in fact I only felt hungry at that point, which was such a difference from the day before when I felt like the walking dead. Cristina and I ate powdered donuts and watched the weather channel. It was snowing outside- fat flakes drifting to the ground but not sticking. The snow didn't delay my flight out, so I was dropped off at the airport at 11:30.

I sat at my gate, feeling sad that I had to leave. I felt bad that I hadn't been able to enjoy Sunday, since I was the walking dead all day. I didn't really say goodbye to everyone. I mean I said it- but it felt like I was not really there.

At a little after seven I arrived in Phoenix. The temperature was in the 70s, and my girls were waiting in the car (we got in about 30 minutes early) for me. There was hand holding all the way home. Love and kisses and I was very glad to be there with them.

But of course, I was sad to be home, away from the friendship that felt so natural. Away from these women who have so much in common with me, from pajamas and cameras, to desires and longings, to a slight dislike of chocolate. I felt safe sharing myself with them.

And I can not wait until I can see them again.

Swinging and a Poppy

Rhayn likes to swing, as most kids her age do. She likes best, to swing barefoot and has mastered removal of shoes and socks while mid swing.


She is also quite a good hoolahooper (is that a word?) Not as good as my mom, who at 50 still rocks a hula hoop like you wouldn't believe. But Rhayn will be the hula hoop queen soon.



These are some "weeds"growing in my front yard. I planted flower seeds back in November in hope of sowing spring flowers, but it looks like the poppies have had the right amount of rain to start growing. I am watering these a little, in hopes of blooms. Some of them are actual weeds. There are located only in one part of the yard, because our HOA has given me nasty grams (and fines) because of weeds.

Just not right now.

Last night Rhayn got sick, all over my toilet nook. After that she said she felt better, and went to bed. Gwennie tried to sleep with her, but was keeping Rhayn awake. Finally I made Gwennie come in my room. She screamed for a good twenty minutes, "I won't talk a sister! I won't talk a Rhayn! I want to sleep wiff Rhayn!" I read while she yelled. Pretty typical ofher night time fits.

But then she said it "I don't love you, Mommy." (Picture her with arms crossed and pout on her face whilst she said this.)
Huh? "What did you say Gwennie?"
"I don't love you, Mommy."
"Do you love Rhayn?"
"Yes."
"What about Daddy?"
"Yes, I love Daddy."
"What about me?"
"I will love you in the morning-time."
"But you don't love me right now?"
"No."
"Good to know."
After which I buried my head in the pillow and giggled for a minute. I had tried to act sad and pretended to cry. But that gave way to true giggling.

Happy 30th Bro!

A young family.
Three Bloggers and a Boy.

I was a wee 14 month old when he arrived. I don't remember anything from my life before him. And lets just say, that although we fought as all good siblings do from time to time, we have always gotten along. Never stayed mad for more than a few hours.

Who did that to my hair?

Happy Birthday G'Rat. I love you, man. (And your 30s are going to be great! I know mine are.)G'Rat and Wife, PurpleLurple

Night Out and a Trip Alone.

I feel like a zombie today. Last night was a late night. It was so fun though. My cousin and I always go out on her birthday. Usually we see a movie, have dinner (preferably somewhere with fish since her hubby isn't a fan.) Then end up at karaoke AND a porn shop. Yes, I know its a weird day. But this year she decided that she would not end up doing any of the three following things- see a movie just because there wasn't anything else to do, let her friend talk her into the karaoke bar, or end up in the adult shop. We managed to avoid those.

She had wanted to go to the mystery dinner theater (I think that is what it is called.) But they were booked solid. Instead we made reservations to the Melting Pot. Expensive, but a long drawn out process of eating dinner. And- so. good. While we ate, during the three hours we sat at that table, we played Mad-Libs. It was entertaining to have six people throwing out answers. We asked out waitress a few times for adjectives and nouns.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed by this coming weekend. You see I am flying across the country to meet a few friends. This is not my first experience with meeting people I talk to online, but it will be the biggest deal. Usually it involved driving across town, this is seriously across the country. I am so excited to meet a few of my favorite fellow bloggers- Homeslice for one. In her I find a kindred spirit, and like Anne Shirley I search them out. Tattooed Mommy, Alicia as well is someone I really look forward to meeting in real life.

The biggest problem for me, is that I have read into their lives, and they mine. We post comments we talk in forums, but have never spoken with our voices. I am not a fan of the phone call, even with my husband it is weird. We communicate better via email. I worry that they will not like me, or my shyness will be so unbearable that I will retreat from the friendships blooming with these women. But then, I am excited that maybe this will help me come out of my shell. They know a lot about me, and none of that has scared them off yet. They continue to talk to me. I continue to talk to them. Maybe meeting them will only strengthen that. Who knows. I do wonder if I would be making this trip if Will were home. Would I venture out like this? I know that him being gone has renewed a bit of the strength that I had hidden away. But that is another post entirely.

In terms of my monthly cycle- this meeting falls at the best time. You see when you are ovulating or right around then you are more brave . I am definatly less shy during those few days and, yup you guessed it I am due to ovulate around that time (maybe too much information for my new friends?). I feel brave and outspoken and barely shy at all during that time.

I love flying, and can not wait to have a whole day to myself. My flight leaves here at the crack of dawn (7:30 am.) I arrive there at 5ish. I have a couple hour layover in Chicago. How sweet it all feels. Like when I was 17 and headed to the Journalism school that I attended between junior and senior year of high school. For those four weeks I was a brave new girl. I was able to reinvent myself and not be stuck with anyone's expectation of me. And this trip I feel is similar to that, not just in the fact that it is located on the east coast.

The Dream Sequence

When I was younger I used to make up dream scenarios and then tell them to certain people. I did this to see how they would react. It was a way to protect my pride. If, say, in a dream I was married to a certain someone (that I really liked) it was just a dream, right. It wasn't like I was really telling him how I felt. But I could tell him about the "dream" jokingly to gauge a reaction. This worked pretty well, I found out that a certain guy I had been dating didn't love me or think he ever would, and he felt badly that I might love him. I left. It was easier that way. I shut him off.

I was also a master of running away. I ran from so many people. I ran away from friends, from lovers, from people who could have been important to me, had I let them in. I didn't want to get hurt, so I ran. Sometimes I even ran from a whole state to get away from those feelings and fears of hurt. If you ask my old friend DB he would tell you that.

I don't use the dream strategy anymore. I have never used it on Will for some reason. I have never had to, he has always been fairly easy to read in that sense, and I know he would never lead me on like that other guy had. I don't run from people anymore either. Its nearly impossible to do that with children. However I did run from Will once, and I am still paying for it. I will always pay for that because I hurt him and hurt me, and made both of us have a hard time trusting the other. Its one of those things I will forever regret.

I was wondering what strategies did you use to protect your heart.

Is it healed yet?

Apparently I never wrote about Rhayn and my trip to the emergency room back in October or maybe I did and just can not locate that post.

Regardless of all of that, back in late October I was taking a bath whilst the girls watched a movie. It happens often at this house. I need some time to myself. They are a few rooms away and I can relax in a hot soaky bath of my own filth.

On this particular evening the girls were laughing hysterically from my room while I tried to relax. After a short time, I hear crying, and Gwennie comes running in to the bathroom, strips and, still crying climbs into the tub with me. I get out of her that Rhayn was spinning the chair and she fell off. Not a biggy, no damage done.

Fast forward about twenty minutes or so. I was on my computer (like always if you ask Rhayn) and she tells me her head hurts. I finally drag my hand from the mouse to feel her head. There is a bump there. It feels... sticky? Oh no- blood. I call people, and finally get someone to calm me down and she offers to watch Gwen while I take Rhayn to the ER.

Rhayn ended up with NO stitches or staples or anything. They. "tied". her. hair. Weird, but I was tired and didn't care at that point.

Zip right along a few months. It is not healing, in fact it looks worse. The scab keeps oozing and has grown from the dime sized cut area to encompass more of a silver dollar size. The center is bulging and if you push on it, greenish pus comes out. I clean it repeatedly. But it never really looks better. I search the house for anitibiotic cream (had been using hydrogen peroxide on it and leaving it alone before that.)

She stood very still while I clean the sore area, and pin her hair away from it. The scab came off fairly easily. But the red part that should have been healing was bulging out. I press on it and she yells that it hurts.

We keep her hair pinned away from it for a few days, letting the gash dry out comepletly. All the while applying neosporin a few times a day. The second day, it seemed to "pop" and the sore started looking normal. Yesterday I had my friend's pediatrician huband look at it. He told me to watch it, make sure it does not look MORE red, but that it appeared to be healing.

I would have taken her to the doctor last week, but it was New Years, we had company, etc. It just wasn't the best time. I know they would have just cleaned it and given her a prescription for an antibiotic.

Luckily everything looks so much better today. I think she will have to avoid showers for a few more days. I had her take one tonight and the wetness made the sight look horrid again.

Cookathon!

The list. All crossed off- done.

Today we had yet another "cookathon". This one went off without too much of a hitch. (Ok, there was an emergency doctor visit, but that was not due to the cooking, it was something else entirely.)

Arroz con Pollo.

We had planned this one even better, I think. And instead of the up all night cooking and cleaning, the cooking was done by 7. There was really only clean up to do after that.

This month we attempted some new meals, including parmesan chicken and tamale pie. I do think we use a little too much meat in the meals, but it is so nice at night to have meals aplenty in the freezer. I have not really had to cook much since we started this. And my grocery bill has gone way down (I was running to the grocery store every few days to pick up something for dinner that night.)

The very best part, I have decided, is the companionship. It is a feeling that you rarely get now. Working together is the best thing in the world, the best and quickest way to feel connected to someone. If you are ever feeling distant from your spouse, work on the house, make a garden, paint something- together. As long as it is together you really are building a solid basis for your relationship. Now I am not saying that will make it easy. Relationships are still hard. I just always feel closer to Will when we work together. I miss that feeling. The accomplishment that we finished a job, the satisfaction that we did it- together. I miss him.

39 Month Newsletter

Dearest Gwennie,

It has been months since I wrote a newsletter for you. I feel terrible. October and November were blurs and such miserable times. This month was the worst though. You are thirty-nine months old now. You are about to celebrate your fourth New Years (and yes, once again you seem to have gotten a cold, or you have a lingering cold, not sure which.)

You really miss your Daddy. You talk about him, and wish he were here. I know that. We all do, especially since it was Christmas. In some ways you seem stronger than Rhayn and I. Maybe it is because you are younger, and haven’t been with him as long as we have. I don’t know.

Let us start in October, since it’s been a while since I wrote. October you acquired a new, baby cousin, MellyRose. Although you weren’t in the room when she was born (I WAS! As was Rhayn) you were fairly excited to see her. But it had been a long day, and you were tired. You chose to get a hair cut, I mean you chose to trim your hair. But the shorter hair fits you and we have grown to love it. Halloween was fun. You enjoyed Trick-or-Treating and looked very cute in your purple unicorn costume. The costume was the same one that Rhayn wore when Daddy was in basic training. That seems so long ago, it was before you even.

November was hard. Daddy sent you and Rhayn some videos of him reading stories. You loved them, but at the same time you looked so forlorn while you watched them. Daddy sneezed in one of them, and you told him “Bless you” you probably did that the first 3 or 4 times you watched that video.

December, although sad, was a great month for you. Your grandparents and I took you and Rhayn to Sea World. You had never seen the ocean before, but the day we went it was frigid and wet. You also had your first real vomit-fest. You were great at making it to the toilet when you needed to puke. I was thankful for that, being in a small hotel room with vomit all over would not have been a pleasure. It was difficult enough listening to your tiny body expel bile every hour or so all night long.

After that trip we rested for a few days before it was Christmas. You had asked Santa for just a few things (no long lists for you just yet). These items were “a big horse, a spotted bunny and candy.” You did not get a spotted bunny, but your sister bought you a really cook pull-a-long bunny from her school’s store. You had played with it and pulled it around the store for a time whilst she and I shopped. Santa brought you the big horse you wanted. It is a sit on pinto in brown and white. You named him “Spot.” (Or her, I am not sure which.)

You still hate the dark. You want someone with you all night long, practically glued to their side. This is usually me, because Rhayn can’t sleep with the light on. We lay down and I read for a while, you snuggle me, talking and playing with a stuffed animal, then slowly your eyes droop and you drift into dream land. Most mornings I wake up and go downstairs. You sleep a little while longer, but not much unless Rhayn has made her way into the bed. If you wake up alone, you yell for me. And since I am a well trained mama, I carry your lazy bottom downstairs where we snuggle on the couch for a moment.

Before Daddy comes home, I hope to move you into Rhayn’s room. I want you to be able to go to bed and sleep without me to hold you. Changing this is hard for me, because when he isn’t home, I get really lonely at night. I do not like to sit alone and watch a movie at night. I prefer to snuggle someone on the couch or in bed. I would prefer that someone be your Daddy, but you are a mini version of him, and are you ever a snuggle bunny! I enjoy that about you. Rhayn only likes to snuggle when she is sick or really tired (like last night.)

I am in awe of how big you are, how grown up you seem, how much you talk. I love you and your silly horse noises, your funny stories, and most of all, your loving nature.

Always,
Mama

Happy New Year 2009

I am thrilled at this moment, excited because there is a chance that my anniversary will not be celebrated apart from my other half.

That is right, folks. He just might be getting a few weeks of leave in mid February.

How frickin' awesome is that?

I would like to be celebrating that, instead I am thinking about my bed, and the sleep I will soon be entering. You see in the grand tradition of my family, I have a head cold. One of us is always sick for New Years. On New Years Eve, when the sneezes wouldn't stop, I hoped it was my SIL and BIL's dogs. I thought maybe Rimmer was making my allergies act up. I hoped, maybe it was just the unusually large amount of particulates in the air outside. No, it has turned into a nose dripping, eyes oozing, throat raw, upper respiratory funk.

I hope you all had an awesome New Year's Eve. It has to have been better than mine! And I wish you all a Happy 2009, may you get all you desire this year.