I feel stress in every muscle of my body. I don't know if every military spouse gets this. Or is is just me? I feel like a hot shower would help be relax, but it doesn't. I feel like a good night's sleep would help, but really it doesn't. I wake up just as tense if not more tense in the morning. I check my email a thousand times a day. If and when the phone rings, my stomach leaps then drops when the caller ID is someone I know.
I am irritated beyond belief at the Army and Will (not his fault, not his fault, repeat over and over). How can they expect people to live through this? I am in limbo, the not knowing is the worst feeling I have ever had. I feel numb and at the same time on the verge of tears. I wonder if this is what a nervous breakdown feels like? And if so, what the hell do I do to cope? Not drinking, seriously that would be the worst thing for me. I need a good hug.
Tomorrow Rhayn should to go to school. I thought she would be off all week, because we would be enjoying our time with Will. Instead I am sitting here, the back of my neck aches. I actually feel like tears are forming. I just can not handle this. But I have to because there is nothing that I can do about it. I can't be proactive in this situation. Normally I can sit by and watch things unfold, but this time? When nothing can be done, I feel like I have gone in circles so fast carrying such a heavy load that if I stop I will fall off of this cliff I am teetering on the edge of. And I can't help it.
I am sick of answering the questions I have no answers to. Because everyone is asking. I want to scream "I don't know anything more now that I did the last f&%$^#g time you asked!" But that would be rude, and everyone really does care. It doesn't make explaining it all for the fiftieth time feel better. Should I get out a magic marker and write on my shirt "I don't know anything?" Maybe that would get my point across. I could simply point at it. I don't want anyone who has asked me anything to feel bad, but its like when your baby is due, you are 41 weeks and everyone is asking "Did you have the baby yet?" even though you are standing hugely pregnant in front of them. You just want to scream, "No! Captain Oblivious" (first cousin of Captain Obvious.) But you don't. You smile and say "No, not yet." And grumble whilst walking in the other direction. That is exactly what this feels like. Only my belly isn't hugely protruding in front of me, my stress apparently doesn't show across my face as neatly as it feel like it does. Maybe the zit forming on my cheek is a precursor to the giant pustules that will break out all over my body. Or maybe I will get my rash back, mmm that would be fun. Not that it ever truly went away, its just moved to a smaller location.
I do not know anything. So please stop asking me. M'kay?