Five Days In

Here we are again, he left just a few days ago. It seems more like it was a dream sequence. Like it didn't really happen. Only I have pictures of him sitting in my bed, reading stories to the girls. I have pictures of him putting together a lego airplane for Rhayn. I have pictures of him carrying Gwennie down trails. I have memories of him holding me, and if I lay very still I can almost still feel the way that felt in the night (and smell him on the pillow).

The girls seem fine, and I am once again pretending to be fine. Pretending that I don't miss him every second of every day. Sure while he was here he got on my nerves. He did things that annoyed me. But he was here to touch, to talk to, to share my crazy thoughts with. He was here to laugh with and joke with.

I wish I had an actual countdown, a date I knew he would be home, instead of some vague future date sometime in July, August, or September.

Until I know anything, I will trudge on. Knowing that as the days get farther from that date last week, it will get easier. Until it will feel like this is normal. I will keep my insane jealousy for people who have spouses home inside hidden away. I will keep on thinking about what I would be doing if he were home.

Here is an article that I wish I had found before he left the first time. We dealt with a lot of silences, and anger before he left- his and mine. Neither of us knew how to be together while we were preparing to be apart. This time, when he started to shut off from me, I knew it wasn't his anger or that he didn't care. I knew it was his way of preparing to leave us, and become the LT again. This time we talked about it more. Which still wasn't much. But since we both knew what was coming, it was a lot easier. Operation Home Front Online is a great resource for families during deployment.

Now excuse me, whilst I go write an actual love letter to him.
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