I need a break before I break.

I feel like a tight bundle of bad feelings. I feel like I can't relax. I am sipping a nice cup of haute chocolate rooibos tea and trying to soothe my frazzled nerves.
Natalie is a stressful baby.
Here is something I posted in a Mommy Forum that I am in:
Natalie is a pretty fussy baby, well in comparison to my other 2 as babies.

The past week or maybe longer? she has been crying like crazy when she gets tired and needs to nap. She doesn't want to nurse, she doesn't want to be put down. She doesn't want to rock in the chair. Usually I put her in the wrap and stand up and sway until she passes out. Usually this only happens for her morning nap.
She had been fine for afternoon nap, but today it was even worse.

Mind you, she really only cried for 20 minutes or so, and I know some mamas have it waaaaay worse.

This afternoon she started fussing. I changed her diaper, and tried to nurse her. She latched on for 2 minutes. Then started arching her back and screaming. I stood up and she stopped. Over and over this happened. I finally put the wrap on and she was ok for 5 minutes then back to the crying.

I had to put her on the floor and walk away from her (around the corner) while she screamed the cry of a hurt baby. If my other 2 had cried like that I would have KNOWN there was something wrong, physically wrong, with them. It doesn't seem to be the case with her. After a couple of minutes she settled a little so I picked her up and nursed her and she finally fell asleep.

This is so hard to deal with. Especially since she isn't like this at night. And I have no idea what to do. I don't want to let her CIO (cry it out) because it kills me inside. Plus Dad works from home and I can't imagine that a crying baby is helpful when working.

So any suggestions? Plllleeeeasse.

It was suggested that she
a. is overtired
b. has gas or reflux
c. is teething

All I know is that I am exhausted from it. She is asleep right now. She cried, and we rocked and she cried while we rocked. But she finally gave in to her tiredness. I carefully put her in our bed and turned on the baby monitor and walked away. She's been asleep for about 2 hours now. But I feel so anxious that I keep running up to check that she is still breathing.

That is why I bedshare/cosleep. If I didn't I would be up all night checking on her. It was why I started cosleeping with Rhayn even though I swore I would never do that.

Then there is making dinner... and Rhayn has a friend over. (We're having a pasta bake.) And my grandma called and I talked to her for a while but that always gets me down. I feel terrible that we don't see her very often and she sounds so sad. Also its hot, the house feels like its looming on me and my skin feels too tight. Gwennie got mad and Rhayn and was yelling "I hate you!" in her face over and over. I had to deal with that.

And then, there is that big change I hinted about on Monday. I will write about it soon. Lets just say its causing me stress and anxiety. Because right now nothing is certain and I don't do well with that. I used to, but I am way to structured now. (I used to be easy breezy... a nice squiggly line and now I am not.)

I don't really feel depressed but I think I am dealing with post partum anxiety (hence the fear that my baby will stop breathing.) Most days I deal with it just fine, but today for some reason its way worse. I could really use an afternoon away. With Gwennie this was no biggie, she would be perfectly happy in a sling or wrap. She didn't care. Will told me I could pump and leave Natalie with him but that makes me feel anxious, too. She's never had a bottle (Gwennie didn't either). I am sure I would come home and she'd have been crying for a few hours and Will would be a mess (like I am). Plus its too damn hot. I don't want to go any where but I don't want to stay here. I wish we lived closer to a movie theater or a good restaurant. It would take about a half hour to get anywhere and then a few hours there and it ends up being way too long away from a baby (for me).

Or it would be nice to go on a date with my husband. The two of us and Natalie wouldn't be so bad.

Rhayn asked me why I am so angry. I listed off stupid reasons and then felt miserable because I think I am a bad mom.

Have I written this all before? It feels like it.

An afternoon at the pool

I didn't take many pictures. Its really hard to want to take pictures when you are hot. And Natalie is just little enough to make pool time not so fun. Also she turns bright red when she's hot.

And so do I.

I caught Rhayn doing a cannonball.
Gwennie swam hard, and had her Daddy following her all over the pool. They went down the slides, over and over and over. This is such an improvement from last summer. Gwennie wouldn't even put her face under the water and this summer she did gladly. We all had fun, but didn't drink enough water. (I have a headache.) I don't think I will brave solo momming the kids to the pool this summer.

Weekly Gratitude

This week I am grateful for~

~new and exciting things looming on the horizon. Don't worry lovelies, I will write more about this when I can.
~Good baby days. Saturday was miserable. Natalie would. not. stop. crying anytime we put her down. I napped with her, well I read a book and she slept in the crook of my arm. Any time I attempted to move away from her she would scream. Sunday was much better. But today is shaping up to be a bad day again.

I am not feeling especially grateful this morning, excited about the aforementioned opportunity but I'm having a hard time seeing passed my kids. My kids are fighting... again. Gwennie didn't get to go to a birthday party yesterday because she was angry and she threw a rubix cube at Rhayn's head. Sigh. I don't know what to do with this kids.

Silent Sunday 5 years ago.

Family Reunion June 26, 2006

Gwennie vs Natalie at 3 months

Blue Brown?

Blue

Brown?

Sometimes

Sometimes you have to brave the hottest day of the year (so far) and get out of the house... just because.
And sometimes you need to make a pizza kitty, just because you can.

PPD, PPA, Motherwort and me

I've been reading my blog from December 2005 and January 2006, to see how I felt at this point post partum with Gwennie. It seems I suffered from post partum depression or baby blues a bit then. It was even bad enough that I called my midwife once about it. Last time I was mentioning that I felt depressed Will told me it was probably ppd, this time when I mention depression, he tells me that I feel depressed pretty regularly. Its strange how much different his responses are now. But we are also in a much better place in our relationship than we were then.

As I am great at internet-diagnosis, I think that I am dealing more with post-partum anxiety this time around. I would say its a 50/50 thing. Half of the time, I feel fine. I even have times/days that are great and I feel pretty darn good. But then the other days hit. Lately I've had some very rough days. But I feel like I am putting on a much better facade this time around.

Some days I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I don't want anyone touching me (besides Natalie). Rhayn gets in my face, well really she is trying to talk to Natalie, but she's too close to me. I take deep breaths and allow her to be there. While my insides are boiling. Gwennie is the same way.

But they don't know I feel that way. Nor does Will. I know it will pass. I know I am being crazy. Since its not affecting my daily life, its ok. Right? I keep feeling these same conflicting feelings. I want to be alone, I want to be around people. I want to be awake, I want to sleep. I want to yell, I was silence. I want the house perfectly clean, but I don't want to clean it and then I want to spend all of my time cleaning (obsessively). I want out of our house, but I want to stay here.

I don't feel afraid that I will hurt someone. But when Natalie was teeny tiny, there were a few nights that I felt like I could. I see crazy images in my head and I have unfounded fears. I worry too much.

My mental state is getting slowly better. I am taking Motherwort, which is the nastiest tasting tincture ever. (I have heard Valerian is nasty, but I much prefer its flavor over Motherwort.) It helps calm me. I don't know if it is a placebo or if it actually helps, maybe its like *Monster Spray and only works because I believe in it. But I will continue to choke down its nasty flavor until I feel better.

*Monster Spray is helping Gwennie to sleep in her own room. I gave her this and told her that monsters don't like lavender, as it scares them away. If she feels scared at night she just sprays that. The bottle was nearly empty so I filled it with water and shook it around to distribute the last little bit of lavender. But I love the idea of allowing her to make her own monster spray.

12 Weeks Old

Natalie,

Dear sweet girl, in light of my issues lately, I need you to know how much I do love you. I know there will be times in your life when you will think I didn't want you, that is not the case. I am so happy that you are you and I can't imagine our life without you, even though you've only been here for 12 weeks.Today I went to Target and bought a baby monitor. I had one that a friend had given me, but over the last few years it had stopped working. I never had use for one with Gwennie. But she didn't really nap well. You, my lovely little fusspot, nap well. Like in the afternoon I lay down with you and you fall asleep, then I can extract myself from the bed. You will sleep. Sometimes you will even sleep for 3 hours. This is all new territory for me, because neither of your sisters were good nappers. Then again, you are a good sleeper... when you are in our bed. It is so cool how much more aware you seem now. And its amazing how much of your own person you are, different from your big sister, Gwennie at 3 months.Besides you being an awesome sleeper, you are a pain sometimes. You want what you want and you want it now. You can roll onto your stomach easily but you can't roll onto your back. I noticed that you have a sweet freckle on your fat left knee. I love it, no really, I stare it at often. Rhayn was about 18 months when she sprouted her first freckle, and Gwennie was older (though hers are on her face.) Both your dad and I have freckles all over our bodies, but I think most people do.

Although you look like Gwennie and Rhayn, you look most of all like... you. I look at you and I see wisdom in your brown (I think) eyes. Maybe its because they are brown, or maybe you are a wise one. Who knows. But we all love you, so much.

Especially me,
the mama

Its a Process

I overheard one mom talking to another at the La Leche League meeting last week. Both had babies under one year old. They were discussing their births and the one mom who had an older child mentioned that it usually takes a year for you to process your birth.

I agree with this, at as Yaya is now 12 weeks old (today!) I am starting to go over the details of her birth and the day after it.

When I was pregnant with Gwennie I was so determined to have her at home. I was stuck in it so deeply that I couldn't imagine it any other way. This time, I didn't really care. I cared to keep seeing Pam LM, but didn't really care if Yaya was born at home. It felt more like an obligation I made. I didn't like that feeling and it really got worse when as the end neared. But I am slightly stubborn and so she was born at home.During my birth, someone turned on the light on my ceiling fan. I wanted it off. Instead of saying anything about it, I seethed inside. I don't know if I was focusing on the irritation of that to help me through it all or if it was just really that irritating to me. I never said anything and that darn, bright, overhead light stayed on the whole flipping time. Grrr,

Pushing her out hurt. I mean like really hurt. I remember with Gwennie it hurt, but also felt like a relief. Gwennie's birth was so much easier on me. I still remember, clearly, the pain. I am shocked that I was able to get her out.

Then of course, she was a girl. And that in itself was disappointing. I told Will that I was surprised that she was a girl, but I would have been shocked if she'd been a boy (even though I was sure she was.) During the Father's Blessing my dad gave me previous to labor, he said "Him" and I thought it was a sign that there really was my boy in there. I thought I would soon meet my son. Only that didn't happen. Its taken me these past 3 months to process that I will never have a son. I am in mourning for "him". (I think I wrote about that yesterday, but its been on my mind a lot the last few weeks.) Right after she was born, I was still filled with birth euphoria and was happy she was HER, but that has worn off and while I love her and can't really imagine what it would have been like had she been he... I will always wonder.

After her birth, like the next day, everyone left me alone. ALONE, upstairs, away from the kitchen, with. no. food. And I was so hungry. My parents took the girls out for a while, which was fine, because Will was here, but he was asleep downstairs. I felt abandoned and if I hadn't hurt so much I would have made my way downstairs no matter what the midwife said. Instead I suffered alone, with a baby who wouldn't wake up and let me look at her eyes and a body that wouldn't sleep.

I am filled with a weird jealous feeling. I don't want to share my baby. I don't want anyone else to hold her. But then I will have times during the day when I don't want to hold her but I don't care to let anyone else hold her. I don't want to share her with Rhayn, and it makes me feel crazy because Rhayn loves to hold her so much. I have to force myself to LET Rhayn hold her and sometimes I fail. She is mine.

I don't know if its because I am still struggling with depression or if its really because I am processing the birth, but today, as she turns 12 weeks old, I feel full of sadness. I need to get out of the house, but its so hot. I need to take Rhayn to the store to purchase a present for a birthday party this weekend... but its so hot and I also could really use a Girl's Night/Afternoon Out/In without my children and with friends. Or maybe a date night with my husband.

Parents of only one gender

We're nearly three months into our life with 3 girls. I love Yaya, and am amazed by her, but there is a part of me that is sad that she is a she.

I always wanted a son. When I thought of my future children, back when I was a child myself, I pictured boys. I thought I would watch my boys play sports, and I would have a house filled with tonka trucks and legos. Instead I am surrounded by glitter, fairies and horses. There is way too much pink in my life.

Sometimes when I see little boys I feel a deep sense of longing and sadness. I feel like I am missing out on something. And I can't believe I was wrong about Yaya. Will kept telling me that she was a girl. I closely guarded that I was SURE she was a boy. There was a month that I was sure she was a she, but most of the time, I was so positive she was a boy. I was excited and terrified about the birth, because we would finally find out, and when Will said "Do you have HER?" I felt that sense of sadness creep in.

I should have known when we couldn't come up with a boys name. I should have known that there was a girl in there. I had allowed myself to imagine my little boy far too often and now its like "he" is missing. And I am afraid that I will always feel that empty part of me, the part where my "son" should have been.

Don't get me wrong, please, I love my daughters more than my own life. I would do anything for them. I do not want them to feel badly because they are girls. I look at them, each such an amazing little person, and I am thankful for them.

But.

"He" will always be missing.

Thankfully my girls (and husband) fill my house with legos and action figures, soccer and other sports. And glitter, of course.

Silent Sunday, Father's Day

Bumbo!

We've called her "The Vertical Baby" since birth. She has always preferred to be upright, head looking over the shoulder or sitting up. She has been unhappy in her bouncer and car seat for a few weeks. She'll try to do a crunch to sit up. Today, after a La Leche League meeting that I dragged the big girls along to (though they didn't complain since there were 2 of Rhayn's classmates there and many other small children who played well with Gwennie) we went to the consignment store to try out Jumperoos. Only she didn't immediately love those. Plus they are big and take up a lot of space.
As soon as I set her into the Bumbo, I knew it was perfect for her. Exactly what we were looking for. She loves it. I put her in it, and she laughed and smiled so big. Though she stopped smiling when I got the camera out. And its purple, which is a great color on her, don't you think?

For each of my girls, there has been a color I loved on them when they were infants. Rhayn looked awesome in reds, Gwennie in blue and Natalie in purple, especially eggplant purple.

Gratitude

I am grateful for:

~A husband who tries as hard as he can to give our girls a good life. I know he loves us all so much.
~An oldest child who helps out, even if she does complain about it sometimes (she's a child I expect no less).
~Gwennie's singing.
~A baby who sleeps well- at night. So what if she doesn't nap well every day (some days she'll sleep for 2 hours alone and other days she doesn't). Between 8 and 9 every night she falls asleep and sleeps until the wee hours of the morning when she nurses a few times. We haven't had a lot of problems with day/night confusion. I am unbelievably grateful for that.

Silent Sunday and This moment

This moment, just nursing away while the rest of them build a Lego robot.

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

Cause, Effect and Half a Tail

Yesterday a freak accident occurred here. Gwennie slammed a door (with a pinch guard on it). I know that isn't a freak accident. But when she shut the door a cat's tail was in it. The tail was skinned. About 1/4 of her tail was fully skinned.

Gwennie didn't tell us about it. She threw the skin in the trash and hid for a while. Eventually Floh came downstairs as I was making dinner. I looked at her and saw the lack of skin on the end of her tail. I pointed it out to Will. We examined her and asked the girls what had happened. Poor Floh's tail looked like something out of a horror movie. And no, I didn't take a picture of it.

It was 6pm so we couldn't take her to the vet. We wrapped her tail in gauze, well I held her down while Will wrapped it.

This morning we took Floh and Lily (who was due for a rabies shot) to the vet. The vet seemed shocked when he removed the gauze. But Will had told him that her tail was degloved. Dr. Y said there was no way to save her tail. We knew that so it wasn't a surprise. Really there was no skin left on the end of her tail. Dr. Y had his assistant take Floh back to start work on her. Lily had her shots, and we left the vets office. Floh had to stay for a few hours while she had her tail amputated.

Amputated...Its crazy to think that because Gwennie was so mad that she slammed a door, our cat is now a bobtail.

When we picked Floh up at 2:30 she was really out of it. She hadn't fully come out of the anesthesia (whoo hoo I spelled that right on the first try.) so she couldn't even stand up. We brought her home and she settled in. Its been a few hours now. She is wandering around the house trying to adjust to life with only 1/2 a tail.

10 weeks old

10 weeks. 10 whole weeks have flown by. Yaya is growing steadily bigger and more alert. She smiles easily and is a relatively happy baby. We're on top of the eczema, it doesn't bother her, yet.

Yesterday I took her to the doctor for her 2 month well child exam and vaccinations. She weighs in at 12 pounds 11 ounces (80th percentile). That means she's gained 4 whole pounds since birth. My big, sweet baby girl. She hasn't grown much length wise, staying at just under 2 feet tall/long (85th percentile). But I think that the nurse measured her differently than she did before. Her head circumference is 40 cm or 15.7 inches (70th percentile).

She has met her milestones, and has awesome head control. But we knew that. I asked the doctor about her projectile spit up/puking and he said not to worry about it unless she is not gaining or losing weight. (She isn't, in fact had put on 6 ounces since last Wednesday!) Really he had no concerns which made me happy. Not that I had any concerns and longer as she hasn't been spitting up forcefully as much this week so its possible she is outgrowing that.

At the end of the visit, it was vaccination time. I hate, hate, hate that part. I was lucky enough to have been able to leave the big girls home with Will, as Gwennie is terrified that she needs shots (she does) at her next office visit. She gets more afraid if she has to see her sister get vaccines because she screams. Anyway- at 2 months she got 3 shots (one combo shot that was 3 so it would have been 5).

Let me say that for Gwennie, I didn't start her vaccines until she was about 9 months old. We delayed because we were home, Rhayn was not yet in school and Will was in the Army but not traveling much. For Yaya, Rhayn is in school and a school that is heavy with international travelers and people who do not vaccinate. Will is traveling to California once a month and is around a lot of Foreign Nationals. I never doubted that I would vaccinate Gwennie, it was just a matter of waiting until she was older. With Yaya, we feel its safest to follow the guidelines and vaccinate her on schedule for her health. Again, this is our choice.

Yaya screamed after the vaccines for about 5 minutes. I held her and took her outside to nurse her in the shade. She called down but hiccuped a bit from all the crying. At home she slept as long as I was holding her. But at 7 became unhappy/uncomfortable. I took her upstairs and we lay down for a while. She had a low fever and was so miserable she had her first ever dose of acetaminophen. Within a half hour she calmed down and fell asleep. She was really unhappy during that half hour, and cried quite a lot.

She woke up her normal times at night, that is around 2-3 am and again at 4 or 5. She usually falls asleep at 9 so she is a very good sleeper.

This morning, she is fine. I am being careful around her vaccination sites, its not red or swollen but it is probably sore. I am just glad that the screaming, crying stopped.

Opposites

When I was 20 a friend asked me what I looked for in a mate. We talked about the yin yang or opposite person as well as one who was a carbon copy. (Like people these days really know what a carbon copy is.)

I wanted someone to complement* me. Rather like a puzzle piece that felt like it had been missing forever.

Although I knew from early on that Will was perfect for me, its been a rough road. I am a mess. I dislike myself because I am mean and hurtful. I don't tell him that I love him. I don't compliment him enough. I don't know how to show him that I care as much as I do. In fact he often asks me if I dislike him. That breaks my heart because I know that I am not treating him the way he deserves to be treated.

Sure at the moment I have an excuse. I am attempting to adjust to life as mom of 3. But this isn't a new phenomenon. It isn't even unique to him. I do not know how to show love to a partner. To the kids, I am ok with it. Although I really dislike how I act towards Rhayn, too. But that is a totally other post. (All about my failings as a parent.)

Over time I think Will and I have become more of a yin yang. Our edges are slowly rubbing against one another and becoming a smooth fit**. I can't imagine my life without him and I hope he feels the same way. I know we aren't perfect, neither of us. But really who thinks their relationship is perfect? Aren't there always little imperfections, tiny bumps that keep the parts from fitting perfectly together? Yet with time and patience those bumps can smooth out.

But I think we complement each other, we balance each other. And that is what I always wanted.

*I wrote "compliment" originally. Of course I want that, who doesn't?
**That sounds dirty, sorry about that.

Gratitude

She is worn out from camping and getting some snuggle time from her cat and baby sister.

This week (or really the last few week since I neglected to do this) I am grateful for-
~Will being home. He's been gone on and off for 2 weeks now, and I am glad he's home, at least for a short while.
~friends who took Rhayn camping with her school since I was unable to.
~Rhayn being home. While she was away this weekend I realized how much of a help she has been to me. I know that she is 10 and sometimes a brat, but more often than not she helps me by holding her sister while I get things done.
~having a weekend with Gwennie. Sure, yaya was here, too, but I really got to spend time with just Gwennie and we enjoyed that.

~baby laughs. Seriously the best. thing. ever. Yaya laughed yesterday, multiple times, while being tickled. She also saw her big sister, Rhayn (who had been gone all weekend, remember?) and laughed at her and gave her the biggest circle smile ever.She wants to sit up and see the world, my sweet little busy baby.

Silent Sunday

This moment

Eczema

Elbows, old and new. You can just barely see the rashy part near yaya's elbow.

Why is there always such conflicting information? The doctor I took yaya to said to keep her dry, and only apply moisturizer (not lotion) when she needed it. But everything else I have read says to apply moisturizer liberally because eczema is dry skin, and is caused by something missing from the makeup of the skin that allows it to retain moisture. Everything I read/heard says less fragrance is better and don't bath her using soap (but short warm baths are good) try some of the products listed here- EASE Product Directory. I had purchased Aveeno Baby Eczema therapy cream. Its strange because it has no smell but that is what I want. I'll use up the little bit of baby wash I have, since I am only using it in her neck and other creases when she starts to smell like rotting milk. In my research I've also discovered that her eczema may be caused by something I am eating. Its possible that she spits up more because of that food sensitivity. I am watching those two things to see if they get worse or better with just time (spitting up) and topical care (eczema).

Yesterday was a bad spit up day. She didn't projectile any of it, but she spit up a. lot. Thursday she had only dribbled a little. Thursday I ate spaetzle made with a lot of eggs and cheese (mmmm, cheese). But I am not sure if that was it. Possibly a half of a mild Italian sausage caused her grief, too. I need to keep a food diary to see if I can see triggers, but I am barely keeping myself afloat these days and that seems like a lot of work. I started one weeks ago and made it a whole 24 hours before it was neglected.

A couple of days ago I put yaya on the floor, and she wiggled all over. But the carpet really irritated her poor little elbows. Luckily we have some large soft blankets that we can put on the floor to lay her on. She seems to be happier that way. It also keeps her spit up off the carpet. And she can roll around to her hearts content.

This is what the National Eczema Association has to say about Atopic Dermatitis-
Atopic Dermatitis (AD)
Atopic dermatitis is the most severe and chronic (long-lasting) kind of eczema. Atopic dermatitis is a disease that causes itchy, inflamed skin. It almost always begins in childhood, usually during infancy. Physicians estimate that 65 percent of eczema patients are diagnosed in the first year of life and 90 percent of patients experience it before age five. Often the symptoms fade during childhood, though �most� will have AD for life. It is estimated that atopic dermatitis affects over 30 million Americans. It typically affects the insides of the elbows, backs of the knees, and the face but can cover most of the body. Atopic dermatitis falls into a category of diseases called atopy, a term originally used to describe the allergic conditions asthma and hay fever. Atopic dermatitis was included in the atopy category because it often affects people who either suffer from asthma and/or hay fever or have family members who do; but now have been genetically connected. Physicians often refer to these three diseases as the �atopy triad�. The disease by its very nature can be episodic. People with atopic dermatitis tend to have high staph levels on their skin, although atopic dermatitis is not infectious to other people.

Shorties

She may not be wearing these wool shorties that I knitted before I became pregnant (and added the pink flowers yesterday, since she is a girl) too often.

Today I took yaya to the doctor because she has a bit of a rash, a weird rash. It looks like ringworm- being round patches of rash on her arms and legs. But the doctor assured me that its atopic dermatitis (also known as eczema) and its not at all uncommon. He mentioned that she has very reactive skin, it mottles easily when she is hot or cold. If she scratches herself it looks a lot worse than it really is.

I've known since she was born that her skin was more sensitive. We noticed that her baby acne was far worse then Gwennie's or Rhayn's was. Also it seemed to get worse when she was hot. The doctor explained that itchy things, like lacy dresses and scratchy fabrics will probably irritate the eczema. Also wool can be an irritant so I need to be cautious when she wears them.

On a happy note, she weighs in at 12 1/2 pounds. Nice and plump.