Aches

Good morning world, I guess.

Yesterday Yaya rolled over from her back to her front. She only did it once, but she showed me how she could almost do it a few more times.

Yaya is sick. Poor baby girl has a cold that is making her congested. Aside from her being miserable it means she isn't nursing very well. That means plugged ducts. Though according to every website, since I have a fever and body aches I actually have mastitis. I'll wait a day and see if it goes away or gets better with lots of nursing and rest. This happened a few times with Gwennie, too and she was a much more effective nurser.

Yesterday we were at my mom's house and since it was Sunday we went to church. Yaya was totally a pain in the tush while we were there. She is harder to nurse, so I used the Mother's Lounge (that room stinks and the chairs are NOT comfortable.) I was having a hard time getting her to latch on to the left side and she kept popping off, which meant I sprayed the room. I don't think I ever used that room with nursling Gwennie. I nursed her in public all of the time easily. Yaya? Not so much. And I refuse to use a cover. I have made myself some "nursing shirts" by cutting out triangles or circles around the breast on tank tops/camis and just wearing them under a scoop neck or v-neck t-shirt.

I noticed that I had a headache and was feeling a little achy at the end of church. I chalked it up to pacing the halls with a fussy baby. But by the time I went over to see my grandma, I knew it was more. My left breast was swollen and red on the side. I took some ibuprofen and felt better enough to drive home. In the middle of the night I could not stop shivering and I was so hot and so cold at the same time. It was miserable. My temperature was about 102.

At 5am I gave up on sleeping and took a hot shower to help my muscles. Then Yaya and I came downstairs let Lily out and dozed on the couch until 6:30. Its almost 9 and I am feeling a lot better. I plan to take another nap and see how I feel later.

Silent Sunday

Grandma reading to my sweet girls.

Ready for church for the first time (and it was a miserable for mama experience.)
Poor baby who doesn't feel well.

Of Boogers and Violins

Sweet baby girl is sick. I thought at first it was like an allergy thing, she was just a little stuffy. But now its gotten worse, and she's having trouble nursing. She threw up last night (NOT spit up, I know the difference, spit up doesn't come flying out and cover the chair like that) but that isn't uncommon for her. It makes me worry a bit. Of course this time, Googling projectile vomiting in a breastfed baby has calmed me. But still I plan on bringing it up at her next doctor visit. While I had planned to do today. I don't want to take her in feeling sick and expose her to even more illnesses.

I have a lot that I had planned to get done today. Instead I am holding her while she sleeps. I put her down, get 10 or 15 minutes of work done and she cries. Not just a little cry either. Then I have to hold her until she calms down and I can put her down again. Sigh. I am tired. She also was up much of the night fussing, well not awake fussing, sleep fussing.
Last night was Rhayn's spring concert. Rhayn looked beautiful for it (if only she would have smiled for me, she was mad that I made her stop to take a picture when her friends were calling her and we were running late as it was, 5 whole minutes late!). We had a great seat. Yaya was asleep through the pre-concert. But when they dimmed the lights and started, she cried. Her bottom lip popped out and she starting saying "wah wah wah" like a movie baby cry. She and I went out to the lobby and paced for a long time. I tried nursing her but no, she didn't want to do that. I was able to sneak in to the hall long enough to watch Rhayn's class perform "Shortnin' bread" on the violin, though they did 2 other songs. I didn't get to see those. The performance was split up into musical instruments and then singing. So after the 4th grade class played the violin they left the stage until the 5-8th grades had played their instruments. Then they came back on to sing. (The idea being that the put chairs out for the instrument part and stands for the singing part.) Gwennie was sitting with some friends, luckily its a small school and I know almost everyone and I knew she was safe.

Thanks to our good friend, S holding Yaya while Rhayn sang I was able to watch and also able to grab her at the end of their performance and leave. I wouldn't have minded staying, but with Little Miss Fusspot, my body was physically exhausted.

I have had to use the bulb syringe on poor little baby girl so many times in the last few days. I hate it, she hates it. But I am not willing to buy one of these- The Nose Frida (how gross does that look?) I really hope to get a nap this afternoon, and I am so very grateful that it is friday.

Worry Dolls and Dreamcatchers

Gwennie has anxiety issues. She worries non stop about some things. She will repeat her worries to calm herself. An example would be getting vaccinations* for school. She didn't want to go to school because she knew she needed a shot (who told her that? Maybe me, probably me.) So she talked about it constantly. We finally started telling her that she doesn't need it to star school, she needs it because she is getting bigger and that is what happens as you grow. Yaya getting vaccinations at her doctor appointments is helping with this. Now she'll constantly tell me that when you grow up you need shots to help you be healthy. (Yes, but it gets annoying as she says it all. the. time.)Gwennie is also terrified of the dark. She doesn't like to sleep alone because of it. She has this beautiful space to sleep in, too. Last week a good friend of ours told Gwennie about Worry Dolls while Gwennie was helping her in the school store. There was a small basket of them sitting there each little box cost $1. Gwennie badly wanted one. She constantly talked to me (for about 4 days) about how they take your worries away and then she could sleep in her own room. You just hold it in your hand, tell it your worry and place it under your pillow while you sleep and it takes that worry away. Surely, a $1 solution is worth trying, yes? We purchased a set on Monday as well as a red t-shirt for Rhayn to have her classmates sign at the end of the year.

At home, Rhayn showed me a how-to make Worry Dolls section of a book called The Daring Book for Girls that her BFF C got her for her birthday, as well as a how to make Dreamcatchers section. Then she and Gwennie made a Dreamcatcher for their cousin Madder. Rhayn made one for Gwennie and hung it up above her bed without Gwennie knowing. See it in the picture below? This is a great book and I highly recommend it!Monday night, Gwennie slept the entire night in her room. In the morning she came downstairs and said "The worry dolls worked!" She was so pleased with herself. She loved the dreamcatcher Rhayn had made her. Of course by the end of the day she was worn out and feeling stressed again and she told me that the worry dolls did NOT work (only 10 minutes after telling me that they did.) Yet, she slept in her room again Tuesday night, all night. We may have finally turned the corner but I am not holding my breath about it. I remind her that if she gets scared she can come to me, so she doesn't feel like I am kicking her out totally. She has been sleeping in a twin bed in my room since Yaya was born.

*Yes, I vaccinate my kids. I think it is a family-to-family choice, and I respect your choice please respect ours.

8 Weeks Old

Dearest Sweet little Natalie,

You are eight weeks old. It seems like you've always been here.

I'm struggling with your name. While I okayed naming you that, I don't love the name Natalie, I struggle with saying it to you. In fact it sounds wrong to me. I've started calling you "YaYa" which is derived from the Polish pronunciation of Jadzia (yadshja?). I think your daddy suggested calling you that, but everyone else calls you Natalie. I felt this way with Gwennie. I rarely called her Gwen until she was about 9 months old.I wonder if I'll grow to love your first name, don't get me wrong, I like the name but I just don't love it. I wanted to name you Jadzia, when I thought you were indeed a girl, it was the name I called you in the womb. I love that name, pronounced both ways, like Jadzia Dax from Deep Space Nine and the traditional pronunciation. I have moments when others call you Natalie and I want to tell them that that is not your name, but I let it go. I know its just a little bit of me beng crazy. There is more to this, but honestly I didn't sleep much last night and am having a hard time making complete sentences.
Slowly you are becoming more alert during the day. There are times when you just wiggle,wiggle, wiggle. There are also times when you stare and contemplate the world with eyes that look like they just might be brown. (How cool to have 3 girls with three totally different eye colors?) Right now you are just sitting there in the boppy wiggling and grunting while you watch me intently.You are working hard to suck your thumb. Your hands are chapped from all the sucking and gnawing on them that you do. I am also pretty sure you will be a hair holder. You rub your head when you are sucking on your hands and you did that in the womb, too. While you enjoy your milk, usually we can calm you just by picking you up and letting you look over our shoulders. I struggle with nursing you sometimes because you are quite busy. But it is worth every ache and pain (for me) to nurse you. I love the bond that we have because of it, and how holding you just releases so much happy hormone for me. When I feel stressed I hold you, rock you, in the chair and soon I feel much better.Occasionally you squawk to get our attention. You'll keep doing it, not angrily or sad, just a "Hey! Look at me! The baby! Yes over here! Pick me up!" One of you favorite things to do is to lay on the floor diaperless. When we are home you do this a couple of times a day. Since we are using cloth diapers I will take off the wet/soiled one, lay you on the waterproof pad I change you on with a prefold under you (its like a burp cloth) and just let you hang out there. I don't know what we'll do when you start rolling. Rhayn says you did that a few days ago. (I'm watching you right now and you are so close to rolling over.)

Tummy time is not a favorite of yours, and you get mad easily when I put you on your tummy. I prop you up with the boppy and you like it much better. You have pretty good head control but sometimes it gets far to heavy for you to hold up.

I can not believe you are 8 weeks old (tomorrow since I am posting this on Monday evening so that it will get posted and I will add a few more pictures of you tomorrow.) And I can not wait to see how you grow and who you become.

Love,
the mama

Gratitude Monday

She saw I was taking pictures and ran as fast as she could, already smiling and ready for her close-up.

I really need to think of things to be grateful for right now, I am feeling ungrateful and its been a miserable morning because I had to get up at 5:15 to take Will to the airport. He's going to out of town until June 1st.

Ok, back to gratitude...

This week I am thankful
~that Will is only going to California for a week and not Afghanistan for a year.

~for Rhayn and how much she helps out.

~for Gwennie's ability to keep herself busy while I clean or do laundry. She is such an easy child.

~for a healthy, nearly 8 week old baby girl. I am totally in love with her, and often I feel a sense of calm washing over me by just holding her. I spend a lot of time staring at her in wonder.

Semi-silent Sunday

Apparently I have been busy this week. I have wanted to sit down and post something, there is just never time.I did manage to make a costume for Rhayn today. She is going to be Muninn, Odin's memory in raven form. In 4th grade at her school they have studied Norse mythology. (Remember last year it was the Old Testament.)

Getting Wet

Natalie loves bath time. She just barely fits in our sink and loves to be almost submerged. She will smile and coo while we bathe her. No, Rhayn and Gwenne do not bathe their baby sister. But someone had to hold her head up while I took a picture of her.Rhayn loves rain. She was pretending to be Mary Poppins while it rained here.

Cloudy Days

It's nearly the end of May, right? I think Arizona didn't get that message today. We are looking out at a cloudy day with chilly breezes (chilly for Arizona, which means its in the low 70s right now.)

I love this. LOVE. THIS.

I want to live somewhere that the weather is nearly always like this. I don't want to have highs in the 110s or lows in the -20s. I want this, 60-70s with clouds and a breeze. Then again... seasons are nice. And I love a good tan (bla bla skin cancer bla bla. I know.)

Sitting near an open window, the breeze gently blowing, a hot cup of coffee (or hot cocoa or tea). Its perfection. It makes me want to knit and crochet and sew and create beautiful things. It makes me want to read a new book or an old favorite while snuggled up in a blanket. It makes me want to cuddle with my kids on the couch while we look at books.

Those are all things that I won't be doing a lot of this summer. It will be too hot to snuggle on the couch. I should try to enjoy this now, while I can.

Big Smiles

I was bragging to someone the other day about how great a napper Natalie is. Ha. I so jinxed myself. Yesterday she only napped in the car or when I was holding her. One time I set her down and she slept for about 20 minutes. But I looked over and she was wide eyed and bushy tailed. Most of the time she wasn't fussing (thank goodness!) Usually she was doing this-Smiling. And cooing and talking to herself. Or maybe eating her hands.

Also, she laughed for the very first time when she was awake, she has laughed in her sleep a few times as well as crying in her sleep. Only it confused her. She laughed, then furrowed her brow and pondered the noise that has escaped her.

All day I could get her to sleep but as soon as I moved her or put her down, she'd just pop awake. At 9 pm she was still doing that. We lay down in bed and I was attempting to read (silly mama!). I finally turned off the light and within a few minutes she was asleep. She did fuss a little more than normal after falling asleep but she slept well all night long (eating a few times).

Today is looking the same. Its almost 11am and she has only taken a short nap while we were at the grocery store. She dozing off right now, so we'll see if she stays asleep when I put her down. I would love to sit here and hold her all day, but a mom has to eat and do laundry and... and... and. Most of her fussiness today has been diaper related. She does not care to be in a wet diaper nor does she like to sit in poop. This is good, though I wonder if its because of the type of diaper she is in. When a prefold is wet, it feels wet. The prefolds I have are all well loved and therefore quite soft, almost like a t-shirt.

Nurslings

Natalie is almost 7 weeks old. Time is flying by at warp speed.

I still haven't really figured out who she is. I think that for the first few months, maybe even for the first year, I still think of my babies as an extension of me. With Rhayn it wasn't as strong. Possibly because she was formula-fed and I felt disconnected from her because of that. No, at the time I didn't realize that I was disconnected from her. It wasn't until Gwennie was born and I was nursing her that I reevaluated Rhayn's infancy.

Formula feeding her was not my first choice. I had assumed that breastfeeding was easy and that it would just happen. Unfortunately it wasn't and it didn't. I stressed myself out with pumping and hated every moment of it. It reminded me that I was a failure and that I had done something wrong while incubating my baby (why else would she have a cleft palate?) I didn't recognize it at the time, but I was suffering from some post partum depression, or at least some baby blues.

Gwennie was easy to nurse. She latched on an never looked back. The only time I ever struggled with it was when she was sick with a stuffy nose. She would want to nurse but when she did she had trouble breathing. She happily nursed until she was nearly 3 (she weaned at 35 months.)

Natalie is not an easy nursling. But she is not extremely difficult, either. She fights me sometimes. She doesn't want to nurse non-stop. She wants to lay a certain way. She gags on my nipple sometimes. She started off with a very shallow latch which caused me nipple pain. She will go hours and hours without eating and then cluster feeds. She likes to sleep with my breast out, where she can see/feel it but she's not latched on. Once she is deeply asleep I can put myself away. She also seems to be sensitive to things I eat.

I know I want to nurse her for 2 years, but beyond that I am not sure. I will have to see who she is, and what she needs. Though I feel sad thinking that after her, there will be no more nurslings at my house. I feel a little sad about all of the things that she has already done- like growing into a size 2 diaper already (I use disposable diapers at night and cloth diapers during the day.)

I am rambling. I was trying to write a post, once again, about her name. But I am also trying to do a few other things on the computer (we are uploading all of our pictures to Picasa AND Flickr) and we found some files of pictures that are in different places so we are trying to consolidate them. Sigh its making my computer run a little slow and also its distracting.

Silent Saturday... err I mean Sunday.

Blurry picture of myself. This is the haze I live in.

Well that was irritating. I logged on here last night to write a blog post, one that I had been thinking of all day, and Blogger was temporarily unavailable. I have no idea what that blog post was about. I should have written it down, wrote it in word and then copy/pasted it here. But I didn't.

Honestly it was probably another l-a-m-e post. My brain seems to be suffering from breastfeeding. It sort of zaps all of your brain cells, and makes everything in your being focus on your child. This was part of the discussion at the LLL meeting I went to. Though we were talking about benefits of breastfeeding and motherhood, it came up that most moms feel- zapped of brain function. For some this never really comes back. I really hope to have mine back in a few months.

The other day I was trying to talk to someone and I just kept coming up blank. I seriously could not think of words to explain what I wanted to say. So I stared blankly. Also when I am talking with someone I have a hard time focusing on them. I need no distractions to be fully in a conversation. This is probably why during my Thursday morning Coffee Chats I struggle to keep up. Its a good thing my friend A can keep up a conversation all by herself.

Gratuitous picture of myself. Taken by Gwennie. This is how I carry my sweet Natalie most of the time though I am not always supporting her head. She was looking at me and dozed off, usually her head is tucked into the side strap. I love this SPOC (simple piece of cloth) wrap.

I want to write a post about Natalie and how I feel about her name but... its taken me a long time to write this post because I have to keep searching for words and that post would probably take even longer.

32F/G

Yup. I have big, milk making knockers.

Yesterday I went to a La Leche League meeting in the morning and asked the other nursing mamas where to buy bras. I was pointed to a store that had just opened. (It was the one I was headed to later that day, anyway.)

We arrived at the store where the lady measured me as a 34DD. I told her I preferred a 32 band size usually, and she said that was probably good. So she brought out all of the 32DD/E bras she had. As soon as I tried on the first few I knew the cup size was too small. My left breast is about a cup size bigger than the right (and I had just fed Natalie from that side.) I showed the lady what was going on, and she brought out the next cup size up.

I swear I tried on about 30 bras in various sizes and styles. I only found one that fit (and yes even after I tried it on I kept trying the others.) There were a few that were decently comfortable but I was sure, from the fit, that by an hour or 2 of having them on I would be irritated by the fit.

The *Anita Microfiber Nursing bra is the one I bought. It is pretty pricey. But I've had it on all day and haven't felt like I was being suffocated by it. My breasts are still apart and high up (it supports them well.) I wish it was cotton in the cups or that they were padded. I dislike it when my nipple point in different directions and the cups have no lining so if its a little cold you can see that lefty is pointing north while righty is looking south. Also when I leak, which still happens just a little, unless I have a nursing pad on, it pours all over my shirt. But those are minor irritations considering the general comfort of the bra fit and I will ignore them.

Now for my hips to go back to normal so my pants fit... I still have about 10 pounds hanging on from my pre-pregnancy weight.

*How irritating is it that the bra model has OBVIOUSLY never been pregnant or nursed a baby? Seriously I want to see a post partum tummy on a nursing bra model. At least a stretch mark or 2.

Who is a Zombie in a Funk? Me.

I'm in a funk. I need to snap out of it. There is no reason for me to be such a mess, emotionally. But I don't feel happy.

Though yesterday I got quite a kick out of a male pigeon who was showing off for a lady pigeon and ran into a chair during his "fancy dance". It felt weird to laugh at that pigeon (but I did oh I did). I don't think I am laughing enough. I might need comic relief more than anything else.

I am pretty sure this depression/funk is caused by being post partum/a lack of sleep/adjusting to life as a mom of three (who knew that would be so hard?). Natalie is a good sleeper at night, usually. She sleeps when its dark and I am thankful for that. I can't imagine getting LESS sleep than I am currently getting.

So what do I do? Wait it out? Hope it gets better? Find a way to add a few hours to every day? MAKE myself nap (which requires being home)? Ask for help from others (this is hard for me)? I need suggestions that will help me feel better.

I could go on and on about all of this, but I feel zombie-like and I am sure none of this even makes sense at the moment. Bleh.

This all made Mother's Day awful. I was in the depths of this funk and really should have been smacked around a little. Too many tears and not enough enjoyment. I hate how I felt yesterday, and how I still feel today. I hate that I feel miserable but am not sure how to "get out of it".

My babies at Birth

Rhayn, freshly born, in the hospital. Notice that I am wearing a hospital gown which is between my baby and I? I also had an epidural and was unable to move. Doesn't this picture feel sterile?

Gwendolyn, at home, on my bed. Notice, I am naked and upright. I prefer to birth on all fours, or at least more upright. Surrounded by people I love and trust.

Natalie, at home, next to my bed. Again surrounded by those I love and trust able to move how I needed and make the noises I needed to make. And I make them, loud moaning. (Later I wondered if the neighbors could hear me and if they were curious what that noise was.)

Baby Lovin'

Natalie loves Lily, but Lily isn't so sure about Natalie.

Rhayn really loves her baby sister.

And I could not be happier to hold my little one.
(Please excuse my "mommy hair" I am trying to avoid cutting it all off...)

Muck Out

Marshmallow and Chocolate, the school's geese, two boys.

The first Thursday of the month is "Muck Out Day" at Rhayn's school. They have animals, 3 goats(Coco, the mom, Coragin? and Apollo) and a sheep named Esther, who live in a barn that has to be cleaned out. My friend, A, is in charge of Animal Care so we try to go every month. We did miss April's muck out, since I was not even a week post partum.

Esther.

Alright, I have helped clean out the barn, but usually I sit in a shady spot and watch the kids lunch boxes and water bottles. (Its an important job!) Rhayn is a great helper, usually. Gwennie thinks it is a playdate and enjoys talking to the kids. Poor Gwen spends far too much time with me and my adult friends. It is good for her to be around kids her age.

After a diaper change, I really dislike these diapers*, but will use them because they are easy when we are out.

Yesterday Natalie and I hung out under a big tree on a picnic blanket. It was hot in the sun, but pleasant in the shade. Natalie napped when we first got there. But soon woke up and stared up at the dappled light coming through the leaves of the big tree.
*Happy Heiny Pockets I'm not sure why, but she seems to get a rash in these. Also its nearly impossible to tell if she is wet until she is SOOOOOO wet. And poop comes out the leg holes. I prefer prefolds and covers right now. I did love pockets when Gwennie was older. There are so many different cloth diapers out there... so we'll see what works best as she grows.

International Day of the Midwife

Checking out Gwennnie's vitals, nearly 6 years ago.

In celebration of International Day of the Midwife, may I introduce Pam. She is awesome. I can not believe how lucky I was to find her. Interviewing midwives is rather like dating and job searching at the same time.

Pam and her student midwife, Alison. This was her first birth as a student. She was awesome and acted as a doula for me. While I buried my head in our recliner (see above picture) she put pressure on my back. This job was taken over by Will during Natalie's birth. Alison is a licensed midwife now.

Listening to the baby, before we knew it was Natalie.

Giving birth was hard. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt. During Natalie's birth there were times when I wondered what in the world I was doing and wished I was at the hospital with an epidural. But I am glad we had them at home. I am thankful that I had the support to birth the way I felt was best for the baby, my family and most of all for me.

I am thankful to have the option to birth at home, in a birth center or hospital, to have the option of midwife or doctor. I feel blessed to have those choices, though a little sad that many insurance companies do not cover homebirth midwives. (Many cover midwives in the hospital or freestanding birth center.)

Thank you, Pam. Thank you, Alison and Alicia (her student for Natalie's birth). You will always be tops in my book.

Bras, bras, nursing bras.

It has taken me 2 days to write this! Natalie has been difficult and I am having a hard time getting anything done. Seriously the house is a mess.

When I was 20 I took my boobs for granted. They were there, but small. They were perky, too. I was totally happy with them. Never did I wish to have large boobies. I often went braless and never felt weird about it. I wore clothes that there is no way I could wear now. (But isn't that part of being 20?)

I am 33 now, and these, huge heavy things confuse me. I know, they are milk makers. They fed Gwennie for almost 3 years and they will feed Natalie for at least 2 (my goal). They have progressively gotten bigger with each child.And now finding bras is nearly impossible. Before I was pregnant (this time) I wore a solid 32D. Victoria's Secret just started carrying a bra that I loved in that size.

I have not been comfortable in the chest area since getting pregnant. I have no idea what size I currently am (32DD/F/G?). I think it best to wait until Natalie is a few months old and my milk production has evened out before getting measured and buying a bra (or two). I have 3 Medela bras left from nursing Gwennie, but they must be stretched out. When I first put them on I am comfortable, but within an hour I feel like pulling the bra off. This is also not an option because my breasts sag half way to my navel. I can't run up and down the stairs with no bra, I have to hold the ladies down. I even have a few nursing tanks, which I wear around the house. The biggest problem I have with these is the "uniboob syndrome". I like to have 2 separate breasts, who doesn't? Plus they aren't really that supportive and my back hurts a bit by the end of the day.

Summer is fast approaching, too. We are looking at 100 degree days this week. Bras are even worse in the summer. I hope I can find a good, supportive, *nursing bra... eventually.

*I've been told Bravado bras are great, but at $50 a bra.The closest place that sells them is about 30 miles away. I may have to drive over there soon. Bras, like shoes and glasses are totally worth paying more since you wear them every day, for BUT I have to love what I am buying or its a total waste or time and money.

Semi-silent Sunday- Baby Leaner

I was the mighty wiener-dog rodeo champ when I was wee.
And...
Natalie looks just. like. me.
But...
Natalie also looks like her dad.
She is a great combination of us both.
And I love that.Gwennie looks nothing like me, and as she gets older she looks more and more like his side of our family, while Rhayn looks more like mine. I look forward to seeing who Natalie most resembles.