There are quite a few things that I should be doing right now. Instead I am sitting here, at the computer, wishing the kids would be quiet. I slept fitfully all night and consequently I really just wish to lay back on the couch and sleep.
I want to write about all of the crap that is making me feel this way, but I feel guarded. I feel like I can't fully share this part of my life. I am scared, and I am tired. I am worried about things that are out of my control. I feel overwhelmed because I don't know how to fix any of it and instead I feel like my head is buried in sand. I have been late for nearly everything this week. Being late is a pet peeve, and causes me to have anxiety attacks. I want to putter around and not worry, but my heart starts beating too fast and I feel panicked when time starts running short. Instead of enjoying things, I am just doing them.
I had a really bad day on Tuesday, I emotionally broke. All of the emotions that I hold inside escaped. But I didn't share it with Will. I didn't tell him what was making me feel that way. (Things that I am worried about that pertain to him.) I could have, it was a great segue into that conversation. But trying to talk about those feelings and thoughts makes me more panicked and anxious. Plus, I never know how he will react to anything I say. Its been tough because his patience is gone. I knew it would be, I tried to prepare for this, but how can you really prepare to deal with your husband's demons when you really have no idea what they are or how they will manifest? I love him. I want to tell him everything, but I can't. I can't put myself through the rejection I fear if I start sharing my hopes and fears.
I feel like I did on Tuesday, before my emotional box broke. I feel sad, and tired, worn out. I see the list of things I need to do, but I can not make myself even begin to tackle it. Sure there is a VVA pick-up today. I should get the stuff out to the street. I just can't. It took everything I had to get up and make him coffee this morning and to take a shower. It is taking all of my control to not curl up into a ball and cry on the couch for a few hours.
I can't do that, I don't have time to do that. I don't want the girls to see me like this. I worry about how my depression is going to affect them. I know that Rhayn worries that her dad and I will get divorced, I worry about it, too. Its the last thing I want. I know that there is a lot of good in our relationship. But also a lot that is wrong. There are so many things that we need to fix. We both acknowledge that we need help, too.
For once, I want someone to take care of me, and let me just wallow in this. I thought it would be better when he came home, instead, I feel worse, more afraid, more anxious, more... just more.