I'm in a funk. Yup. Nothing that anyone can do about it, either. Is this my seasonal depression returning? Instead of enjoying this beautiful day, I feel like wallowing in self-pity. I feel like throwing myself a big pity party complete with a banner proclaiming "Pitiful Me!" I need to yank myself out of this crap because this is not good and its affecting all parts of my life.

Maybe an afternoon of chai and scones will make me feel better? I sure hope so, because otherwise I need a swift kick in the pants to knock me out of this.

Do you ever feel like your day didn't matter? Like you are sitting there and around you everyone wants to dump their day, their opinion, their ideas on you, but they don't seem interested in yours. They talk more loudly and more quickly than you, and your words get lost, or seem unimportant by the end of it all.

I have felt like this all week. Felt totally like a dumping ground for everyone else, while what I have to say seems to be ignored.

And its getting to me.

Smatterings

I have always known that Gwennie is a carbon copy of her father. He jokes a lot saying that the cloning was nearly perfect and that there is only one thing that is different then him (she is a she!)
She is a smart little girl, and also is quite obstinate. (Um, stubborn much?)
She looks like him, is built like him, loves him more than me (now that we are no longer nursing, she has little need for me at all.)
Her blond hair is the same color as his was at her age.
Her skin color is similar to his, and nothing like mine (although she easily tans and doesn't burn, more like me.)
Her feet are shaped like his, triangular and very stabilizing. (Her balance is amazing, mine? not so much.)
However about a week ago I noticed something that pushed her over the edge.
She has these spots on both of her cheeks.
A sweet smattering of freckles.

No, he doesn't have freckles on his face like this, his are on his arms. But his sisters have freckles, whereas there aren't any in my family at all.

Gratitude Monday

Purple Globemallow

This week I am grateful for

• weather that is still nice enough to go to Boyce Thompson Arboretum. I know I had been there at least once before but it was likely in 5th grade and I only remember that I purchased a living rock succulent that did not survive for very long.
  
• a husband who easily and gladly admits when I am right. (It feels good to hear someone say "You are right.")
• Rhayn, she cracks me up while doing the "Time Warp" even though she has only seen the video on YouTube. (Picture below.)
• Gwennie's sweet songs in the car. Usually these songs are about the sun, the moon, and stars.
  
• Lily, she is about the sweetest dog, ever.
  

Silent Sunday

Little Witches

Riding the broomstick swing. (Playing witch.)

Then the sprinklers came on.

It was great fun.

Another week is quickly slipping by and although I have had lots to say I haven't really had time to sit down and type it out. Plus, that whole "looking on the bright side of life" thing has made me want to complain less.

Also the weather had been so beautiful this week, after last weekend's temperature of 96 we have been in the low 70s. I have been trying to enjoy that, before the onslaught of sweat inducing 100 plus degrees that will be here in the next month.

This picture if from a few weeks ago. Often Rhayn will hang out on the fence that connects us to the northern neighbors, they have kids that Rhayn is friends with. This day she was pretending to be a cat, and helped Gwennie get up there, too. (Notice the blue string hanging from Rhayn's waist? Its her tail.)

Gratitude Monday

I need to be more thankful, a good person recently reminded me of that, because I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I stole the gratitude Monday thing from a friend, I hope she doesn't mind.

Pecan tree at my aunt and uncle's house. From this tree we have a pecan tree sprout. Its really cool.

This week I am thankful for:

• temperatures that will dip down a little once more before the onset of the triple digits.
• friends and family who love me even if they don't understand me.
• having a day with Gwennie and Rhayn getting a much needed "Daddy Day".
• grape vines that are growing, as well as tomatoes.
• having a good talk with Will about things we both want (and having him agree with me!)
• finding out that I do not have a cavity.
• writing about teenage experiences and being glad I am not that stupid anymore, and that nothing bad happened to me when I put myself in such danger. (More on this later, maybe if I can force myself to post the story of the one time I hitchhiked and the first time I drank, both awful stories I think.)
• Will's job, which allows me to stay home and be with Gwennie and hopefully the future birdy, with out financial stress.

Whew, that wasn't that hard. In fact once I wrote the first one the others came pouring out.

Silent Sunday

Sad, but trying to deal with it...

So here I am, still not pregnant. I had assumed it would be as easy as it was with Gwennie. We sort of tried for a few months, but the month I really tracked my cycle we were knocked up. I have been doing that since February and still nothing. Well there was that cycle with the "chemical pregnancy" or early miscarriage. I am still sad about that. I know that whenever it happens will be perfect, but every month puts our kids farther (or is it further?) apart age-wise.

Every month ends in my sadness, and this feeling that I am a failure. Oh, and have I mentioned the extreme jealousy I feel towards those around me who are pregnant? Especially those who weren't trying? (I am looking at YOU Amanda, and at YOU my wonderful sister, dacheese.)

I feel sad in the pit of my stomach, thinking about how I would have been 8 (almost 9) weeks right now if I hadn't lost that pregnancy. I would be getting close to the point when I could feel the little birdie flapping its wings in me. (I felt Gwennie at about 11-12 weeks. I know it seems early but I KNOW what I felt.)

Will has no idea how depressing this all is. He hasn't been supportive, but I haven't spoken to him about it so how can he be? I had been hoping that this would all be a moot point and I would be pregnant this month. Even if I didn't want a Christmas baby, I am ready for this part to be over.

Being sick this week and that weird pain, hasn't helped AT ALL. I can only hope that since my period started, my hormones are going to stabilize and I will feel "normal" again. I know my family hopes so, too. (I have been in rare form this week, yuck.)

Yuck

Did you know that tylenol with codeine does nothing for me except make me feel stoned? It does. I really need to get rid of that bottle of medicine.

Yesterday when I picked up Rhayn from school we barely made it home before I was starting to whimper from the pain. I came home, took the aforementioned, non-working medicine and with an ice pack on my right shoulder lay on the couch waiting to feel better. No such luck. It was a long afternoon. I tried heat and cold to battle the pain. Cold helped for longer.

I went to bed at nine, but was unable to fall asleep until 10:30 because I could not get comfortable. Then at nearly 5 my body said to get up. I ran into the bathroom where I was on and off for the next hour. I was so queasy and I had the trots. It was miserable. I threw up after 6 and felt better enough to doze off for a bit.

My head aches today, it feels migraine like but since I haven't really eaten I don't want to throw more medicine in my stomach yet.

The guys are here working on our patio cover. It is getting closer to done and that is exciting. However the banging hurts my head. I can not wait for this project to be finished. Its too bad that its taken so long and now its getting hot and we can't enjoy our backyard as much. The girls and I will still be out there a bit, in the morning time. I want to get one of those little blue pools for the girls and Penny (I doubt Lily would get in it at all. But I can see Penny cooling off in it.) They had some at Walmart when I ventured in that evil store last week. Maybe we can even get Gwennie to put her face under the water... wouldn't that be a trick?

I don't know what I did, but my right shoulder hurts. I mean like so bad I feel like crying. I tried stretching and have taken something, but it hurts. Hurts, hurts. I thought I could power through it, and tackle the weeds in our front yard, but it hurt so badly I had to come in. I am thinking a second dose of ibuprofen or some ranger candy would help. At least I hope so because I am not sure how else I will get through today. (So much for the whole house cleaning I had planned.)

ARGH, I am sooo unhappy. I assume my period is on its way, for one thing I took a pregnancy test and it was negative, another thing I am a raging ball of hormonal mess. I feel angry and I really just want to be left alone. Ha, like that is going to happen. I feel hot, like I'm having hot flashes. I also have the residual leftovers of a cold mixed with pollen and dust allergies. I feel just miserable.

If only my period would start so that I could feel normal again, because this feeling? It sucks.

Silent Sunday

Last night Will called to say good night, you see he is away for the weekend at training. I was so grateful for that simple phone call. The girls worry when he is gone, Gwennie worries more than any child should about her daddy when he is "at work."

Tonight Rhayn is at her very first slumber party. She was so excited because they are all sleeping outside, but she seemed a little nervous. She has stayed the night at this friend's house many times, but not with all of these kids from her class. I remember being nervous about sleep-overs, too. I wanted to take her in my arms and put her in the car and drive her home. I know she will be fine, and that tomorrow when I pick her up she will tell me of the fun she had. It doesn't stop me from worrying, because I am her mom, and that is my job.

Girl Panties!

Remember earlier I posted this link?

In about an hour's worth of time, using a pair of her boxer briefs as sizing, and then her as waist measurement we have three pairs of "girl panties". Gwennie is really excited, she loves the zebra pair best although the other pairs are softer.
I had to change the pattern a little, since we didn't have t-shirts to repurpose. Instead of a hem on the leg part its a zig-zag stitch which gives a nice ruffled effect (which Gwennie loves!) I made the legs longer, and the rise as well.
I will have to make her more to replace all of her current underwear (since they are for boys they are NOT panties, as Gwennie informed me the other day.) A half a yard will make two pairs, too. Since the jersey was on sale at Joanns, as well as the elastic, these cost about $3 each to make.

Updating you all.

Considering what a winner I have felt like this week, its no wonder I am in a funk. I am curious if it is depression, seasonal or otherwise. I have been having a really hard time feeling happy. I can put on my happy face and fake it like a pro, but honestly I feel like a walking zombie.

On the baby front, my period is due mid week next week. We weren't trying nor were we preventing getting pregnant. Although I would feel terrible if we did get pregnant as the baby would be due December 23rd, I would be ecstatic about the baby. I am worried that my period will come and it will be the straw that breaks the camels back and I will lose it.

I have felt pretty close to losing it the past few days. Last night I was nearly in tears because I feel awful from this cold and I wanted popcorn but Will was on the phone and it was taking forever. I was taking deep breaths. This morning I almost cried because I can not work out TV, Will bought an XBox and it plays Windows Media center through the computer, but I am seriously challenged when it comes to using it. I really would like to watch some of the movies on there, but if I can't get it to work then I can't watch it all weekend (see next paragraph). I did accidentally turn the XBox off this morning, too. That caused a whole new issue.

Will is gone all weekend (not helping me with the whole feeling like crap thing.) He has training and left this morning at 5:30am. (Or O=dark-thirty). Rhayn has a birthday party tomorrow, and we haven't gotten a gift yet. Its a sleepover which is fine except that on Sunday I have a baby shower/blessingway to go to. Rhayn will be a major grump after the sleepover I am sure.

I am sure I have written about Gwennie and her panty issue before. Well I have been looking for plain white boxer briefs that I could dye pink or purple for her and I found some really cute girl-print boxer briefs on Etsy. However they were $22-27 for three pair. We all know I fancy myself as a crafty one, so I decided I can make them for her. I found this really awesome blog post about re-purposing toddler t-shirts into boxers for a boy and thought it would work well for Gwennie (although I plan to use elastic for the waistband and knit fabric I bought at Joanns.) I hope to get at least one pair done this afternoon, but I haven't started it, instead I have been knitting a pair of longies (or shorties I haven't decided) for a friend, or maybe for our future little birdie.

Will brought home a cold that caused him to stay home from work. Its not bad but my head has pressure and last night I had a slightly elevated (for me) temperature. I am feeling better, but not great from it and I only hope it goes away completely soon.

We are having some people come and work on the patio cover, to do the stucco. They should have been working on it all week, but didn't come yesterday or today. I am curious why, as they were given earnest money to complete a task, and since Will isn't home there isn't anything I can do about that either (its his job.) I should stress about it, but I was hopeful that it would be mostly done by now.

Our car is running so much better. We had the oil... um... something replaced to help it not leak oil as badly as it was. It seems a lot better and the service engine soon light hasn't come back on. My fingers are crossed that it will continue to run well at least for the summer.

Another "Mom of the Year" award goes to me.

What is wrong with me?

When I was pregnant a few weeks ago we told the girls. Rhayn was really excited. Apparently when I lost the baby I was so lost in my own world that I NEVER told her what happened. That was like three weeks ago, too.

She wrote about the baby in her journal at school recently and her teacher came up to congratulate me today. (Awkward!) So on the way home, in front of her best friend (whose mom DID explain to him what happened), I had to explain to her that "No we weren't joking about the baby, it just had something wrong with it, and wouldn't have been able to survive outside of the womb."

I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I have totally failed both of my girls this week.

In which I win "Mom of the Year", NOT.

There is a cold at our house. Yesterday Gwennie had an "itchy eye" that started having greenish yellow goopy stuff coming out of it. Will and I attempted to put eye drops in it, but she was afraid and wouldn't let us. (Have you ever tried to hold down a four year old? Its nearly impossible!)

It was Tuesday, which is ballet night for Rhayn. Its Gwennie's favorite night of the week because she gets to stay home with Daddy and watch a movie. She looks forward to this night, and asks if Rhayn has ballet all of the time. I thought this was a good threat/consequence for not letting us put the drops in. I thought there was no way she would be too afraid of the eye drops and put her night with Daddy in jeopardy. Her fear won and after about 10 minutes of trying to coax her out of her fear, Will said it was done, she made her choice and I took her with me.

As soon as we got to the dance studio I knew I had made a REALLY bad decision. Her eye was oozing and swollen. She said her head hurt and she was whimpering in her car seat. I didn't take her into the lobby until after most of the kids had cleared out, we walked around the Walmart grocery store for a while instead. Her head was down and she was telling me it hurt. Finally we went over to the dance studio and I picked a spot on the seating and told her that she had to stay in my lap. She was asleep in a few minutes.

Fast forward to home. Her eye glued itself shut with pus. It was about 8:30 (she fell asleep around 6ish) when she woke up screaming, and inconsolable because her eye won't work. I finally got her calmed down and a warm compress on her eye cleaned it up.


The above picture was this morning. She felt great, but her eye was puffy and swollen. The actual eye wasn't red at all. I had called the mom of the girl I watch to let her know that I thought Gwennie had pink eye last night. But it looks like she just got something in it. Hopefully it stays clear. It has so far today.

Easter hiking.

Easter was a lovely day, so we went for a short wildflower viewing hike. We took our dogs, and met up with some friends. It was a little warm, especially for Penny. But we all had a very nice time. It felt good to be outside enjoying what may be the last nice weekend until November.

Gwennie did a great job hiking. She would start dragging but as soon as she had a drink of water, she was off again.

Rhayn enjoyed the time outside, but its nearly impossible to even get her to LOOK at the camera, let alone to smile at it.

Penny quickly found shade any time we stopped for a few minutes. Unfortunately Penny also had diarrhea on the trail, which caused us to turn around and head home soon after this rest stop.

Lily enjoyed the shade as well, but she wasn't as quick to settle into rest. Lily was excellent even allowing Rhayn to walk her for a while. I was really opposed to the Gentle Leader face harnesses, but it makes walking these massively muscled dogs so much easier. The control we have over the dogs is amazing. I still don't like the way these look, but I love the control.

Pretty flower on a cactus, you can't really tell but this is a fairly small cactus.

Silent Sunday

Thoughts on child spacing and lazy 9 year olds.

It was a lovely day at the school for a muck out day. Because the school has goats, a sheep and a sweet pig there are stalls to be cleaned.

Rhayn was a terrible helper this time. She really disappointed me by acting lazy and standing there with a vapid expression. She held the rake, but stared lazily at the trees and goats. Sure she should have eaten first, and its possible that the feeling of malaise that I have felt all week may have been getting to her. But even Gwennie and I helped rake out the pen. Plus, when I told her that it was time to go, she did these rad moves:


If that doesn't symbolize that she was "just fine" I don't know what does. (I did enjoy watching her do this.)

I don't know how to get her to do more around the house. She is 9 for goodness sake, chores should be a given. Instead she acts like she is entitled to her lazy life. Will keeps telling me how much work he had to do as a child. But his mom was lazy and mean. That being said, I did a lot of chores, too. We had chores that had to be done every week. I think that my mom ran our house well. We all helped out and I can see that it was probably easier having all of us help. When there are 5 children cleaning the house, it goes a lot more quickly then when mom does it by herself.

There are times when I wish that we had our children closer together. It would make it all so much easier. We would be completely done, our kids would most likely all be in school or getting ready to go to school (if we had had them 2 years apart, there would be a child between the girls.) I am happy with our children. I love them both so much. I don't want to change them (except to get them to help out more.) I think when they are teenagers the spacing will be beneficial. Rhayn will go to college as Gwennie enters high school. Gwennie will go to college as the hopefully-to-be-born-in-the-next-year-baby enters high school. We will be able to help them out at college more easily (monetarily) because we won't be trying to pay for 3 kids' worth of college at once. This all makes sense.

However...

I feel sad that our kids are this far apart because they don't really have a built in friend. I don't know what my life would have been like without G'Rat. He was my best buddy, my confidant, my protector, my nemesis at times. We worked as a team, together all of the time. I look back at that and I feel terrible for having denied my girls that. I only hope that when they are older they feel close to each other, like I feel to my sister now (she is 9 years younger than me.)
Not really sure what all this rambling is about. I've just been thinking a lot lately, and this was all the stuff that came out when I started writing this post.