Sad, but trying to deal with it...
So here I am, still not pregnant. I had assumed it would be as easy as it was with Gwennie. We sort of tried for a few months, but the month I really tracked my cycle we were knocked up. I have been doing that since February and still nothing. Well there was that cycle with the "chemical pregnancy" or early miscarriage. I am still sad about that. I know that whenever it happens will be perfect, but every month puts our kids farther (or is it further?) apart age-wise.
Every month ends in my sadness, and this feeling that I am a failure. Oh, and have I mentioned the extreme jealousy I feel towards those around me who are pregnant? Especially those who weren't trying? (I am looking at YOU Amanda, and at YOU my wonderful sister, dacheese.)
I feel sad in the pit of my stomach, thinking about how I would have been 8 (almost 9) weeks right now if I hadn't lost that pregnancy. I would be getting close to the point when I could feel the little birdie flapping its wings in me. (I felt Gwennie at about 11-12 weeks. I know it seems early but I KNOW what I felt.)
Will has no idea how depressing this all is. He hasn't been supportive, but I haven't spoken to him about it so how can he be? I had been hoping that this would all be a moot point and I would be pregnant this month. Even if I didn't want a Christmas baby, I am ready for this part to be over.
Being sick this week and that weird pain, hasn't helped AT ALL. I can only hope that since my period started, my hormones are going to stabilize and I will feel "normal" again. I know my family hopes so, too. (I have been in rare form this week, yuck.)