20061106

blackness

I don't even know where to begin. Right now, I feel like I am in an empty pit. I am looking up, but the pit is so deep that I can not quite see the sky. There is a spot of blue, if I look hard enough. But mostly its blackness, darkness, unhappiness.

I am not sure at what point in the past few weeks I reached situation critical in the emotion department. All I know is that it seems to just keep getting worse and worse.

Every one around me seems so happy, they are moving into a new house, recently married, having a baby, or just in a happier state that I am in.

Last night I tried to log on here to post about this, because I was really in a bad state, I needed to get some stuff out. Instead I was unable to log on, and cried myself to sleep. It was an awful night, I was trying to tell Will something, and not succeeding in getting my point across, instead we ended up fighting because what I said came out so messed up. He misunderstood what I was saying, and well, lets just say I felt like the marriage was ending. I knew it wasn't, I knew MENTALLY that it was silly and everything would be ok, but my EMOTIONAL self couldn't see it, through the black fog.

All weekend, I put on a happy front, I smiled and laughed, even though I felt like dying on the inside. I would have happy moments, talking to my sister, or brother. Then it would hit me again. My baby sister moved out of my parents house, I am happy for her, and yet it seems to be making me feel worse. She is so young, still a baby sometimes in my eyes. Yet she is a mom, wife and homeowner. I guess I was not ready for that change at all. I am not ready for my parents house to be quiet when I visit, I am glad my brother and his lovely, wonderful wife are still living there, as it keeps the noise level up, but without dacheese, the house seemed as empty as I felt.

I have been trying to combat these feelings taking Rescue Remedy, but maybe its beyond the healing powers of the Bach Flower essences? Maybe I need something more? Maybe I need a counselor, and I planning on talking to the doctor about it, because I can not be a good mother and wife and friend in this state of darkness. I just want to curl into a ball and cry, but I have to keep going and I have to move on because Gwennie and Rhayn need it, and really I need it, too.

9 comments:

Mid-life Midwife said...

Oh sweetheart, first of all, the biggest hug to you. Maybe you should consider seeing a counselor/therapist (one specializing in women's issues would be great). You need to nuture yourself to carry on nurturing your children and husband. Our roles are so relentless and demanding, through the best and worst of it.
I've been to fairly serious counseling 3 different times in my life (with more to come I'm sure :) ). I know when I get that feeling (much like what you're describing), that I need to get in quick and talk about it.Once was on antidepressants with counseling to see me through a particularly bad time. Take care of yourself and find what resources you can that will best help you.
Prayers your way. XO

hairball said...

you need will and you time. I would watch gwennie for you, but I am not sure if she likes me that much. We could give it a shot and you guys could take an evening off with no errands, just you, your guy and some goofy golf?

Hayduke said...

Leaner, it must be really difficult for you right now. It is important for you to understand that you don’t deserve to feel like this. I like that you recognize the importance of your feelings and how they affect your children, they certainly are receptive to you and your emotions. If you feel that you should see a counselor or therapist, than you should see a counselor or therapist. There are three ways of looking at your emotions – you act them out, talk them out, or have symptoms. From your post it seems that you are presenting with the symptoms of depression. I know many individuals, including myself, that have found therapy a very effective tool in regulating emotions. Put another way, if you had diabetes you wouldn’t delay taking insulin, if you have depression you shouldn’t delay taking actions to reduce it. You, after all, deserve it.

Your PCP will likely offer you a prescription for meds, this can be a difficult choice to make. I’ve seen them work wonders with individuals and do nothing for others. Fortunately, most studies have found that medications taken in conjunction with outpatient therapy are quite effective in reducing depression. If you decide to work with a therapist make sure that he/she is a good fit with you. Don’t hesitate to switch therapists if you don’t feel comfortable. A little know secret is that 80% of good therapy is the relationship that you have with your therapist; the other 20% is their skills/techniques.

Please know that we are here for you and holla if you have any questions. Things will get better.

leaner said...

Its funny, because I can be objective, I can SEE what is wrong. I know that really I am ok, but that doesn't stop the dark feeling. It doesn't stop me from being sad and unhappy.

I am glad to know that I am totally not alone, and thanks Hairball, I would love to take you up on that offer. Actually my b-day is coming up and my folks are coming up to watch the kids while we go out, that is sitll 2 weeks away (did I mention that as another thing that I am sad about? Not the number so much, as the chain of events taht follow my b-day.)

Lillithmother said...

Sister, my heart goes out to you. During my battle with post-partum depression, although I hated it, the darkness was the salvation from being a mother...and otherr roles that seemed too enormous for me to live up to.

Whaterver your decision about meds, talk therapy has been proven to speed up the process of equilibreium.

You know I'm a Rescue Remedy user, and while it's great, and will help in mild cases of emotional imbalance, I don't think it's enough right now sweetie. Keep it on hand though, it doesn't hurt any. There is a Bach Flower remedy more suited for depression...let me know if you'd like more information....or if you just need to talk to someone who has been where you are.

*hugs* Lil

purplelurple said...

We so need to talk. Please call me. Or actually I will call you tomarrow.

abeNanna said...

So where is your mom in all this? I have had those days/weeks but didn't really know where to go. The worst was after the birth of dacheese, it was quite awhile of feeling awful. Just like you I could see what was going on, but there was nothing I could do. I know that St. John's Wort and vitamin B complex is the thing that kicks it for me, but may not be the right remedy for you. We'll be praying for you.

Wish things were a little slower around here. I know that I haven't been able to help dacheese the way she needs helped. Too much going on. It really hasn't hit me yet that they have moved out. I am almost afraid of facing that reality and I know what you mean when you say that she should be a little girl still.

nyjlm said...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way, it is an awful way to feel. I'm just digging out of my own hole, after keeping out of all holes for several years. I have an appt with a counselor this week, and I can't wait. I'm glad I have a 'plan' but I realize that I'm still so sick. As someone else mentioned here, it would be so obvious if it were a broken bone or pneumonia. I've been through it before and gotten out, but it doesn't make it easier :( I'm already on medication, and am also planning to see my meds dr to see if we need to fiddle with it.

I found you thru the NaBloPoMo randomizer and truly feel for you. ((((hugs)))

mishmosh5 said...

Please don't feel alone, we all go through this, it is just not something which many people admit to!

Marriage, kids, and life generally can be extremely demanding and draining at times so that our reserves get run down to a point where we feel awful.

Please know there are people out there thinking about you and knowing you will feel better soon!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...