I don't even know where to begin. Right now, I feel like I am in an empty pit. I am looking up, but the pit is so deep that I can not quite see the sky. There is a spot of blue, if I look hard enough. But mostly its blackness, darkness, unhappiness.
I am not sure at what point in the past few weeks I reached situation critical in the emotion department. All I know is that it seems to just keep getting worse and worse.
Every one around me seems so happy, they are moving into a new house, recently married, having a baby, or just in a happier state that I am in.
Last night I tried to log on here to post about this, because I was really in a bad state, I needed to get some stuff out. Instead I was unable to log on, and cried myself to sleep. It was an awful night, I was trying to tell Will something, and not succeeding in getting my point across, instead we ended up fighting because what I said came out so messed up. He misunderstood what I was saying, and well, lets just say I felt like the marriage was ending. I knew it wasn't, I knew MENTALLY that it was silly and everything would be ok, but my EMOTIONAL self couldn't see it, through the black fog.
All weekend, I put on a happy front, I smiled and laughed, even though I felt like dying on the inside. I would have happy moments, talking to my sister, or brother. Then it would hit me again. My baby sister moved out of my parents house, I am happy for her, and yet it seems to be making me feel worse. She is so young, still a baby sometimes in my eyes. Yet she is a mom, wife and homeowner. I guess I was not ready for that change at all. I am not ready for my parents house to be quiet when I visit, I am glad my brother and his lovely, wonderful wife are still living there, as it keeps the noise level up, but without dacheese, the house seemed as empty as I felt.
I have been trying to combat these feelings taking Rescue Remedy, but maybe its beyond the healing powers of the Bach Flower essences? Maybe I need something more? Maybe I need a counselor, and I planning on talking to the doctor about it, because I can not be a good mother and wife and friend in this state of darkness. I just want to curl into a ball and cry, but I have to keep going and I have to move on because Gwennie and Rhayn need it, and really I need it, too.