(I am) Silent (on) Sunday

But she is not.

How to deal

We had a playdate planned for this afternoon. I told the girls that before we could go they needed to do their chores. Rhayn hopped up and started unloading the dishwasher. Gwennie started throwing a fit. I said "Well if you don't then I will call A and ask her if we can bring Rhayn over for a playdate and you and I will come home."
She refused. So I told her to go upstairs for a while.
Then she screamed at me.
I called A and asked if she could pick up Rhayn (they were on their way home which meant driving by my house). Gwennie got more mad. More mad. More yelling/screaming/mean words.

Rhayn's friend called and asked if she could have a sleepover. I said yes.

Gwennie then told me "I'm going to kill myself if you aren't nice to me." (Or it may have been "if you aren't nice to me I'll kill myself" either way...)

I felt shocked.

I asked her to come close to me. Then I held her until she calmed down. I reminded her that it was not ok to say that, that she didn't really want to die. I held her while she screamed at me to let her go. I struggled with her until she stopped.

And we went on to have a very nice evening after Rhayn left. I am freaked out by what she said. There was a time when I picked up Rhayn from school and she told me that she wanted to die. (It was in 3rd grade? while Will was deployed.) I felt so lost then and I feel so lost now.

How do you deal with something like this? Because I could really use some help.

Really?

Who? Me? What?

Natalie is trying to crawl. 4 months old and trying to crawl. The stinker.
See? She face plants into the carpet and her backend lifts up. Her toes push and she tries. And tries. So far she hasn't gone anywhere with this technique, but it won't take long.


Rollling is no big deal to her now, but sometimes she forgets how to roll from her tummy to her back. She flips so effortlessly from back to tummy. On her tummy she will spin in circles. I can surround her with toys and she will get to each of them. We've stopped putting her on a blanket on the floor because it just gets tangled under her and causes her all kinds of frustration.

But look at that face... those beautiful almost, I think, dare I say it, brown eyes. And tell me you don't want to kiss those cheeks. I love this baby girl!

Zoo on a hot day.

Riding the train (because we had free tickets!)

Checking out the komodo dragon.

And the aftermath of not enough sunscreen/shade/shirt. Ugh.

Having a Tubby

Since Natalie can not yet sit up on her own, it makes bathing difficult. Still she enjoys having a tubby and its been good for her diaper rash. I was hunching over the sink to hold her up whilst she splashed. Then it hit me...The Bumbo fits in the sink.Natalie loves kicking back with her feet up in the sink in her bumbo.It makes it so much easier on us all. And I can even load the dishwasher and pop some popcorn while she chills in the sink.

Silent Sunday- babies in the backyard.

We've found a few of these lurking around. They are so darn little and cute.

16 weeks

Dearest Natalie,

You are now 16 weeks old. Its been a year since I first peed on a stick and saw that sweet second line. I can't remember what it was like before you. Just like its hard to imagine how my life was before your sisters or even before your dad.
You and I are having some "alone time" while your big sisters are away at my parents house and Daddy is away at Army training. I don't think this is good for me. I was really looking forward to the quiet but now it seems stifling. And it is too hot outside for much of anything else.

My dear little girl, you can now roll both ways, but still struggle with the tummy to back part. Sometimes you lift your butt up and try to push yourself forward. I know it won't be long before you can crawl, or get where you want in some manner. You are quite determined.

Yesterday you had your 4 month well-child-exam. You weigh in at 15.5 pounds and are 25.5 inches long. You head circumference is 16.5. You are long still in the upper 90th percentile for length. The others are closer to the middle. You have sweet chubby legs and I adore them. The doctors want to watch your head bump still, it has gone down a lot but its almost not noticeable. They also want to watch your upper lip tie. It causes you no real problems now, but may in the future when you start to talk.

You and your cousin, Omster who is 3 months older than you.

I'm not loving your doctor. But I can't explain why. It may be that we always have to wait a long time for her, while some of the other doctors in the same practice take a lot less time. (Example- we were there for 1 1/2 hours with you yesterday and only 30 minutes for Gwennie the day before. And most of the time with you was waiting for doctors and nurses. Gwennie's visit was mostly with the doctor. She also had a much nicer nurse. Yours was unpleasant.)

Nothing makes you laugh like a dog (or cat) does. Seriously Rhayn and I are jealous because Lily will have you laughing out loud while you simply look at us. No you aren't laughing in the video below but you are very happy with Lily being so close to you. Sometimes I make her lay near us so that I can open your hand and help you gently stroke her fur.

I'm sure at some point Lily will stop being totally freaked out by you. Maybe.

But until then, we all love you.
~mama

Adjusting

Saturday was Will's 34th birthday. 34 seems old for some reason. (I will be 34 in November.)

After his week in Sierra Vista he drove home Friday night, only to hop on a plane to Philly on Saturday night (actually 1am on Sunday.)

We've discussed a little more about this probable move to SV. And the part I am going to discuss next gives me a funky feeling. For a while at least, he is renting an apartment down there. Sure its only going to be about 6 months that he'll be there without us, but it just feels/sounds wrong.

We are not separating but man does it sound like it. This move is really hard on us both. We've grown in the past few years since he returned from his deployment and I think we rely on one another more than we ever have. I count on his help with the girls often. I really miss that (and him) and he's only been gone for a week.Adjusting to our life here, with him coming and going like a visiting relative, is not going smoothly. Gwennie is having a rough time of it. Her bedtime routine had finally been established and most nights she was asleep around 8, but not anymore. Now she will still be up at 9ish. And she is continuing to wake up before 7. The poor kid is not sleeping well. On Thursday night she flat out REFUSED to sleep, or even stay in her room. At 9 I told her that if I saw her again she would not be going to the movie in the morning. At 9:15 when I had to go back upstairs and talk to her again (this time finding her playing in the toy room) she was informed that she had lost her movie going privilege. Then I spent 30 minutes with her throwing a bit of a fit while she ran up and down the stairs telling me that she didn't want to be near me. At one point she told me that she would "still snuggle with me but she didn't love me anymore since you are so mean". In the morning she was really mad because Rhayn was able to go to the movie with our friend A and her kids.

Rhayn is helping me hold up (or down?) the fort right now. She has taken on a much needed role, but I am trying to allow her to be a kid, just one with more responsibilities. I want to give her an allowance or something to show her how much help she is being to me.

Natalie is "little miss won't take a nap unless mama is holding her" or laying by her. I wonder if it has to do with her super awful diaper rash*. Or if she is sick. On Saturday she had green goop in her left eye and her nose is pretty stuffy (today she has green boogers). I ended up pumping on both Friday and Sunday to relieve a little bit of engorgement because she isn't nursing really well right now. I now have 4 ounces squirreled away for her if she needs it though! She is also considering crawling, when she is having tummy time she practices and goes in circles around and around. She is rarely where she is originally put. She is also working on sounds. She can make loud noises that aren't mad noises more like she is just seeing how loud she can be. She still can't roll from her tummy to her back consistently she has done it once or twice.

*The rash looks worse this morning. And like it has spread. Yesterday morning it looked dry and peeling in the morning and today its bright red and warm. Poor thing.

Rash

Our first week with Will away is nearly over. He should be home tonight (just in time for his birthday tomorrow). But he is leaving at 1am on Sunday morning so its not like we really get to enjoy him being home or anything.

Its going to be a rough time especially since I have no idea when it will be over.

So far this week Rhayn has been really helpful.
Gwennie has been a pill. She can't seem to fall asleep and then pops awake in the morning, usually coming down and looking for daddy and looked dejected for a while. Which equates to her being the grump miester.Natalie has a nasty diaper rash. On Monday we used disposable diapers and it seemed to get worse. I've been on top of it with some Butt Paste and letting her have naked time all week. She has had some seriously nasty green poops this week. Nothing frothy, but its been more green than mustard colored and she would get fussy as soon as she went. So I think they must have been acidic. Today she is fussing as soon as she pees.

This morning her rash looked painful, so decided to super wash her cloth diapers. I will probably have her in the disposables for a few days while we try to clear this all up. However I figured a good way to have her air out and for me to NOT be peed on, was to try using flannel receiving blankets as diapers. You just have to fold them like old school flat diapers and pin or snappi them (see below).I think her rash is a yeast rash. All of my internet research today has led me to look in my cupboard and find some Clotrimazole anti-fungal cream (for Athlete's foot). So we'll attempt to use that to see if that helps. If its not improved by Monday I will take her to the doctor. But I think that allowing her to air out as much as possible and using that cream should greatly improve this.

I hope.

One year ago

One short year ago, I knew about you. Having taken a pregnancy test about 8 days past the day I ovulated that showed the faintest of lines, I kept you secret in my heart until the line darkened and I could share you with your Dad. Then we kept you secret together for a little while longer.

One short year ago, I had so many thoughts on what you would be like. I wondered what we would name you, who you would look like and whether you would be a boy or girl.

Within a few weeks of finding out you were coming, I started feeling sick. In the midst of that, I rejoiced because you were real.

Within a month of finding out about you, we told everyone we knew. And my body began to slowly change and stretch to accommodate your developing body.

You, my sweet baby, made me sick enough there were moments that I could not see the end. But also you gave me gifts sweeter than anyone who has never born children, can imagine.
And nearly 4 months ago, in the dark of night, you rushed into the waiting arms of your Daddy. Your big sister watched, your other big sister slept in a room nearby. Your grandparents waited anxiously close. You slipped into the world surrounded by love.
During these last (almost) four months I have continued to learn the lesson you started teaching me while I held you in my womb. Surrender. I can not control anything about you. And you are who you are. No amount of planning will change you.Now when I reach for you, your little body stretches up so that I can more easily lift you. You see my face and you light up.

And my heart opens even wider for you.

Too Much Sun and Worries

I have a sunburn.

This morning the girls and I met a friend and her 3 sweet kiddos at a splash pad. It was actually nice in the shade with a breeze occasionally blowing the mis from the splash pad s well as leaves from the tree onto us. We ended up out there for a bit longer than I had planned. But it was pleasant and we had a nice chat about lame teen books (the Evernight series) we are reading. What am I going to do if/when we move? I am worried about making new friends. Its hard for me to make "in real life" friends, who will be there when I need them at all hours of the day or night. Friends that I don't feel weird calling when my dog is missing, my kid hits her head, or some other tragedy happens.

I know that in time everything will be alright.

Upper Lip Tie

Natalie is a pretty baby isn't she? Especially when she is smiling and happy. We bought this walker for her and she is super happy in it.

A few days ago I was perusing the forums over at DiaperSwappers like I do often while nursing a baby. Someone posted a picture of their baby's mouth and said she had an "upper lip tie". So I looked at Natalie's mouth. It looks like this:

Which looks like bottom lip tie on this blog post about Maxillary Labial Frenulums written by "The Funny-Shaped Woman". See how it "blanches" when I pull on it? (It turns white around the frenulum.) Today we went to a La Leche League meeting. I asked them about it. I think that most of our earlier nursing issues are because of this little thing. The 2 leaders who looked at it said it looks pretty thick. Since she is gaining weight and having wet and dirty diapers this isn't an issue at all. But it could be when she's older.

Its possible that she'll have a gap between her teeth when her adult teeth come in. It is possible that it may cause her to have trouble pronouncing words. It is possible that she'll fall and split it at some point, too.

It looks like its a familial thing, often seen in families with a history of cleft palate/lip. Which is us, since Rhayn had a cleft of the soft palate. It really makes you wonder doesn't it?

At her next doctor appointment I will bring it up and see what they say. Most likely, since it isn't causing her grief (that I know of) we will take a wait and see what happens attitude.

Weekly Gratitude

This week I am grateful for
~Will. He is currently in Sierra Vista working. I know he doesn't want to be away from us. But for the betterment of our family he is. Also we have no idea what is going on in our lives after the next few months. We may move, we may stay. We do. not. know.
~Rhayn. While Will is away she takes on the role of helper. She didn't even fuss last night when I asked her to go to her room early so that I could watch Buffy alone. (Buffy is not ok for her to watch just yet, and I really needed some time alone because I was feeling anxious and freaked out.)
~Gwennie. She knows when I am sad and is there with a hug.
~Natalie. Can you believe she's almost 15 weeks old? She has been here long enough that I can not imagine our life before her. She loves Lily (see above picture). When she sees Lily she lights up and laughs loudly. She also wants to touch Lily's face. Lily on the other hand, is still not sure about Natalie. She'll lick her happily but that is about it.

Silent Sunday Feeling Mopey

Daddy is on his way to his new job and we're all feeling quite mopey about it.

Movin movin movin

On Sunday Will is headed to Sierra Vista. He was offered a job there and took it. If all goes well, the rest of us will follow him in a few months.

This is good because its steady pay, and he'll have time off (maybe we'll even get to go on vacation at some point!)
This is bad because we will most likely be moving. Away from my friends and Rhayn's friends. And he's going to be down there, while I "single mom" it up here. Its not close enough to commute easily. Its about a 4ish hour drive there, though its interstate most of the way.

I am excited about the move and terrified at the same time. I can't wait to be down there, but the magnitude of moving really has me worried.

He is excited, if this is what it sounds like it will be, then he will be awesome at it. And it will be something wonderful for our whole family.

We've known about this possibility for a few months. Originally the start date was June 14th, but with a fire burning down there it was a little longer before they decided on the contract. And now? Well we wait and see what will happen.

After being through a deployment you would think I would be prepared for something like this. We could actually drive down to visit him anytime. Its really not THAT far. But I am not prepared. I feel so anxious about it. I know it will be alright and even if this part is hard, we will all make it through.

But when he left for Iraq I had more time to prepare. I only had 2 kids to deal with. I wasn't already dealing with post partum anxiety issues. I also didn't rely on him for anything because he'd been so busy before that.

Since he's been working from home, sure he's busy however, he has been here. I've been able to leave the big girls here while I run to the grocery store or go out for a while. We have been working together well, and I really feel like we are a team.

Only now I'm going to have to figure all of this out myself.

And I have to keep reminding myself that this part is temporary and when its over our lives should be so much better. And that is really something to look forward to.

Girls' Girls

In the green shirts are the oldest girls.
In the pink are the middles.

And these are the babies.

My sister and I both have 3 beautiful daughters.

Family Pictures

Every stinking time we try to take a family picture my girls make strange faces. They always forget how to smile. Oh well, at least its proof that we were all together, in one place on July 4th.

Silent Sunday

I am feeling better today. Yesterday (Friday) we went to the movie like we usually do. This was followed by walking around the mall with Hairball and my friend A (as well as our kids.) We ate some crappy food court food and then A took my older 2 with her. I stayed at the mall and walked around more with Hairball. Sure we didn't do much, besides talk.

But mostly it was about what we DID NOT do. We did not chase our children. We did not have to stop a silly fight between siblings. We were able to talk without being interrupted by silly stories about unicorns.

At 4ish I left and headed home. My feet ached from walking the mall. My ears were tired from the teenaged cacophony. But I felt refreshed even through all of that.