Garden updates

Today I went to Lowe's to purchase some items for my garden's drip system. I swore that I knew exactly what size everything was. At the check out I had grabbed parts that were not labeled, and had to go grab some others.

We finally get home and the one piece I was SURE about is a 3/4 male part not 1/2. Argh! I will have to go back on the way home from picking up Rhayn this afternoon.

My garden looks awesome. I am excited to plant new things and really excited for tomatoes. There are blooms on my black krim tomato plant. It is the tomato plant in the Silent Sunday post for this week.

I suppose that is really all I have to say, just hanging around enjoying the weather and blooms in the Arizona spring.

Silent Sunday

Spring

I love spring in Arizona. It is such a beautiful time. Consequently I am spending a lot of time outside, or just sitting by an open window feeling the breeze. You will most likely be sick of my posting during the summer when its too darn hot to even think of going outside. But for the next few weeks, excuse me whilst I enjoy the very best time of the year here.

I am very glad that Spring Break is over. Not because Rhayn was driving me crazy, no it was just a bad week. Although this week is not starting off much better.

Last week when we went to the zoo, our car started overheating. In order to make it home I drove most of the way with the heater on full blast. This morning I drove Rhayn to school and within the 15 minute drive it began overheating again. It would be ok as long as I was going 45, as soon as I slowed at a light the temperature would begin creeping back up. I drove straight to the mechanic we usually go to. My fingers were crossed the whole way that it would be something small. No such luck. Its a big deal because its something in the engine (they have to take part of the engine apart to fix it.) Ugh. Its not cheap, either.

I also wasn't able to go to the grocery store. We have food, but I like to go with just Gwennie. Tomorrow through Thursday I have a little friend that I watch, and the grocery store is harder with two kids.

Last weekend we began the great office reorganization project of 2010. Hopefully we won't have to do this again for a long while. We had to purchase a serious paper shredder, and within a few hours of having it, we broke the auto-feed. You have to hold down the forward button. I do plan on returning it for a new one. It would work really well if we weren't shredding 2 bankers boxes full of documents.

The reorganization is taking more time than Will originally thought, there was a lot more to go through than looked like on the surface. Its funny how much stuff we have acquired. It does feel great to rid ourselves of junk we haven't used in a years.

As for me, and my emotional state, well I am doing better. Apparently by the time I had announced my pregnancy to the world, it was already going away because by the time I had the HCG levels done on Tuesday they were at the level of a non-pregnant woman. The doctor says that since I got a positive pregnancy test I most likely passed everything naturally and she said not to worry unless I start having pains or feel off. She can't say for sure that I was pregnant ever, but I know I was, and the tests all had clear lines on them (I took like 4, because 3 come in a pack and I of course didn't believe the first one.) However I should have known something was off when the lines never got darker, they should get progressively darker over a few day time frame. Mine didn't.

This month is going to be long and hard, because first of all, I need to let my body fully heal. Second, if we got pregnant this month, the baby would have a due date of December 23rd, and I just can't do that to my child. Of course, if I did somehow get pregnant this month, I wouldn't cry about it. I just would rather not try. So here is hoping for a late January 2011 baby.

Silent Sunday

Thoughts and a Paramore Video

There is so much going on in my head, but honestly I don't even know where to start writing it. The past couple days have been hard. But its better. I finally talked to Will about what I need. He was giving me space, but I needed affection and closeness. I needed him to treat me like he normally does. I had a really good cry last night, but it put those emotions closer to the surface and its made me feel on the verge of crying a couple of times today.

I think I am feeling better about all of this. I am starting to look forward and just yesterday I was not even able to do that. Last night was so bad that for a while I lay there in tears wondering if anyone would even miss me if I was gone, it was a low point. Luckily it didn't last long. There are still a lot of emotions that I will have to work through but I know that we can get pregnant, I know that I can carry a baby, and it will all be okay in the end.

Let me leave you with a great song that I am really digging at the moment. I love the singer of Paramore (Brick by Boring Brick). Its a long one but the video is pretty (Gwennie loves it.) Enjoy.

Another week in Pictures

This week has been miserable for me. At least it was spring break and I was able to take some time for myself. Monday- we went to my grandma's house to meet our newest family member (and to announce the arrival of another, but I wrote about that already.) This little guy wasn't even 6 pounds, but everything about him is perfection.

Tuesday- worst day of the week. Doctor appointment, bleeding and pain.

Wednesday- some friends asked if the girls and I wanted to go to the zoo. We went even because I knew I needed to get out of the house. I think I overdid it a little considering what my body was going through but the kids had a great time. I held it together fairly well. All I really wanted to do was curl in a ball and cry. Have you ever noticed how many pregnant women and new babies there are at the zoo?

Rhayn and a few of her classmates walked around singing:

"Kookabura sits in the old gum tree,
Merry merry king of the bush is he,

laugh kookabura, laugh kookaburra
Gay your life must be!"

It was really cute, they stopped in front of the new Komodo Dragon exhibit and sang loudly while doing a rockette-style dance.

Thursday- Rhayn had stayed the night at a friend's house. Gwennie and I went over to hang out with them. After that we came home and finished the laundry. I was wallowing in self pity and emotions when my mom called and asked if I wanted to do some late night geo-caching. I gladly took the diversion and we drove around Tempe reading historical markers.

Today feels like any other day. After yesterday's roller coaster ride of emotions on top of lack of sleep, I feel pretty good (I at least had a good night's sleep). Well as good as one can expect.

Maybe its good that I miscarried early, I didn't have very long to get excited about the baby. Since I am only a few days late for my normal cycle, it shouldn't be much worse than a normal period. The cramping is worse, and I couldn't stop crying last night.

Yesterday Rhayn left me a note it said:

"To Mommy and Baby,
I love you two.
Hugs and kisses, Rhayn"

It made me cry so hard (and again now getting teary eyed.) She was excited about being a big sister again, she loves the idea of it and wanted to tell everyone. I feel like I have let her down. We've talked a little about it, she and I. While I was laying on the couch in pain. I want her to understand that this is something that just happens sometimes.

I put Rhayn's note in my pregnancy book, which I placed on the shelf so I don't have to see it. In a few months, when we get pregnant again (it will happen) and everything is going well (it will) then I will bring that note out and place it in the baby's scrapbook. I will never forget this baby, it is my 3rd miscarriage, and the second time I lost a baby due in November. (I think that makes it harder.) The other time I was due in February.

I know everything will be ok. I know it in my head, but my heart aches and that won't really stop.

The doctor said it looks like I was passing tissue and the urine test was negative. I was given a blood test but we won't know results for a day or two. But I don't think anything good is coming.

I was ok, until just now, I had taken a nap and now I am bleeding fairly heavily and have bad cramps. I feel terrible. I feel sad. Can I just sleep for the next few days?

Anxious

I find keeping secrets hard. Don't you? Especially on my blog. This started out as a place to pour out my feelings, only one of my cousins read it and that was about all my audience was. Now nearly six years later, I know if I write something on here, most of the people I talk to on a regular basis will know. My family will know.

I can keep other people's secrets, just not my own. Plus, I want support for what ever comes of this.

You see a few days ago, I peed on a stick and the second line appeared. I started at it in shock. It was early, my period not due for about five days, but I had a pregnancy test in the closet and by gum I was going to use it. The line wasn't dark, but it was clear and it appeared within moments. I didn't run downstairs thrilled at the thought. I put the test in the drawer and walked away.
The next morning, I did the same thing. I peed on a stick, watched the second line appear and wondered. I spent two days with my knowledge. Two long hard days, but I needed to process it before I could even tell Will. The line was a little bit darker the second day, more clear. I told Will Wednesday evening. I know I posted on Thursday about not knowing. I knew, but I needed to write something about it. I needed to share something without sharing. But it seemed really silly.

All weekend I knew and didn't tell anyone. Will and I finally told the girls Sunday night, because I want to tell the family on Monday.

I went to Coolidge and told everyone Monday night, trying to be sneaky by having Gwennie and Rhayn each wear a "Big Sister" shirt. It all worked out fine and everyone was told.
Then I drove home. I was fine until I got home and went to bed. I started cramping. Not bad, just enough that I could feel it. I couldn't sleep because of it, and I started to worry about losing the baby. I fell asleep but at 3am Will came downstairs because he was awake. When he went back up, I went to the bathroom to poop. I felt constipated. But I was able to go. Unfortunately it made me bleed light pink a little and that made me panic a little more. Needless to say I had an awful night's sleep. When I got up the spotting was brown. And its gone now, but I am scared.

I called the doctor's office and set up an appointment for this morning to check for pregnancy. I am terrified that they will say that I am not. I am pretty sure I will have to have a blood test. So I most likely won't know anything until tomorrow.

I hate this. I hate it hate it hate it. This happened when I was pregnant with Gwennie, too. I spotted and was sure I was losing the baby. I have had 2 miscarriages previously. I think that makes one more paranoid. All I know is that whatever will be will be. If I lose the baby its not the end of the world. I will be sad, really sad, especially on my birthday which is the day after this baby's due date. I know that if we lose this baby, we'll wait a few months to try again. But I also know that its heartbreaking to lose a baby, and its painful. I know all of this, but emotionally? I am such a huge mess right now that I can barely stand it.

Silent Sunday

Party time

Tomorrow we are having a small birthday party for Rhayn. She is really excited to have her friends over to play. I am excited for her but more so for it to be over.

Why is a birthday party stressful? Why? We are ordering cake from Costco and having pizza (also from Costco). A good friend is bringing hummus and nearly everything else is taken care of. Sure we don't really have games planned and the house isn't yet cleaned (enough). But that won't take very long will it? Not likely. I did clean up our patio a bit and today after school Rhayn will be on poop duty.

Will is being really helpful and I know I can rely on him to take charge. I am so thankful for that. I do not like to be in charge, and he is good at it.

2WW

I am waiting not so patiently for the day when my period either comes or it doesn't. I am waiting patiently (ha) to know if there is someone growing deep in the rich lining of my uterus.

So if you all wonder where I am, I'm most likely staring out of the window wondering and waiting and thinking of the baby I may be carrying. I am thinking how I will feel when I see that second line appear clear as day on the test.

I wanna sleep... please?

Wow. I haven't had a lot to say lately have I? I have a lot on my mind and processing it all has been hard.

Last night a friend and I went to see Alice in Wonderland. It was awesome. Everything I thought it would be, and Johnny Depp's little jig at the end was hilarious. I can't wait to take Rhayn to see it next week.

At the movie I ordered a Caffeine-free diet coke. I wanted cola and sure I know Diet Coke is not good for you, but it was a special treat. I think that maybe, just maybe, the lines were crossed, because I was wide awake until 1 am and it felt like a too much coffee type of awake, too. Bleh. I am living on caffeine to make it through today but will stop consuming it in a few hours to hopefully sleep tonight.

I tossed and turned until about midnight when I came downstairs, made a warm mug of milk and watched Friends. I think I dozed off and on for a few minutes from about 9 pm, but I kept popping up like it was morning. It was miserable. Maybe I should have just gotten up and been productive, but I was sure I would fall asleep any moment, which I surely couldn't do if I were up doing the dishes or something.

Rhayn has ballet this evening, and I am doing childcare so can't take a nap this after noon. I really want to but I won't. Sigh, its going to be a looooong day.

Silent Sunday

Happy Ninth!

Today my little baby turns nine. She has been so excited about her birthday.

Last night she wanted to take some pictures with us on her last night as an eight year old.

(Please excuse my awful hair and all. I look terrible!)

Gwennie picked out a gift for her (a lava lamp- it had been on her Christmas List) and its sat wrapped on the counter since Monday.

I gave her a shirt to wear today and a CD. Taylor Swift's Fearless. Her ballet class is doing their summer performance to Love Story. Its such a beautiful song.

Overfilled

Yesterday I was inundated with information about a variety of subjects. Lots of things I can't share here because it isn't my information to share. But I have to say that my brain was so full by mid afternoon that I had a near panic attack when Will was driving the family to the other side of the valley to attend a Project Citizen showcase. I had to deeply breath a lot, and stared out the window. I could take in the information that Will wanted to give me, nor could I talk to him about the things that were bouncing around mind (again, not my place and also we have two children with ear that were in the backseat.) I could have used down time but I didn't get that until after 8:30.

I also neglected to eat a real lunch yesterday. What was I thinking?

I learned a few things about Rudolf Steiner the founder of Waldorf education, which Rhayn's school is based upon, that I didn't know. Things that made me really question how anyone could still believe that. Sure he came up with these ideals in the 1920s I think, but the Waldorf Purists still believe some of these things and enforce them at our school. Its just too much for me to handle. Luckily Rhayn's teacher is not one of those purists, and we appreciate him for all that he does at the school and for Rhayn. But he, like everyone else, is not perfect.

Sometimes I think I am reaching my capacity for information. But I want to be a good friend, and I want to listen to others who have problems. I know that often we just need to vent it out, to talk through these things, and we may or may not need any input, just a place to talk about it.

So if you read this, and were one of those who talked to me yesterday before 3 pm, know that I am glad to hear from you, and am glad that you are my friend no matter what I wrote here.

Spring Cleaning Time

I just love this picture.

As spring is here, the flowers are blooming and the desert is an unnatural (albeit beautiful) shade of green.

It was spring cleaning time yesterday. I decided to move all of Gwennie's clothes into the guest room so that Rhayn has a room to herself. She did lose her dresser in the move, but that was fine with me. She used it to hide things in, on and under (mostly under).

Gwennie's new closet with the curtains closed.

Although I am positive that Gwennie will not be sleeping in her "new space" anytime soon, she was excited about having it. She wanted me to read to her in there last night, but I wanted to lay in my own bed. Rhayn is happy that she has her very own room, none of Gwennie stuff should be in there and Gwennie has no reason to go in there.

With the curtains open. This room used to be Rhayn's and when it was, she loved pink so I painted the inside of the closet pink.

I cleaned out two closets, the guest room closet was filled with crap we never use as was our linen closet. I came away with 4 very full bags of donation for te VVA next Friday. There are also a few additional items that didn't make it into bags yet.I feel more coming on this weekend. Maybe I will tackle my own closet. HA! I want to rip that completely apart and redo all of it. Have I ever mentioned how much I dislike my closet/bathroom? Oh well someday we'll remedy that.

(semi) Wordless Wednesday- the Garden

I don't have a lot to say at the moment. I'm sorry about that, I know you are all used to me chatting endlessly about crap. Maybe its this beautiful weather. Maybe its because my baby Rhayn will soon by NINE! Maybe its just that I am introspective at the moment. Whatever the cause, hopefully I will have something good to say soon, because it feels strange to not have new posts.

Please enjoy what is happening in our garden. (I just ate a strawberry from our garden. It was so good.)