20100317

Today feels like any other day. After yesterday's roller coaster ride of emotions on top of lack of sleep, I feel pretty good (I at least had a good night's sleep). Well as good as one can expect.

Maybe its good that I miscarried early, I didn't have very long to get excited about the baby. Since I am only a few days late for my normal cycle, it shouldn't be much worse than a normal period. The cramping is worse, and I couldn't stop crying last night.

Yesterday Rhayn left me a note it said:
"To Mommy and Baby,
I love you two.
Hugs and kisses, Rhayn"
It made me cry so hard (and again now getting teary eyed.) She was excited about being a big sister again, she loves the idea of it and wanted to tell everyone. I feel like I have let her down. We've talked a little about it, she and I. While I was laying on the couch in pain. I want her to understand that this is something that just happens sometimes.

I put Rhayn's note in my pregnancy book, which I placed on the shelf so I don't have to see it. In a few months, when we get pregnant again (it will happen) and everything is going well (it will) then I will bring that note out and place it in the baby's scrapbook. I will never forget this baby, it is my 3rd miscarriage, and the second time I lost a baby due in November. (I think that makes it harder.) The other time I was due in February.

I know everything will be ok. I know it in my head, but my heart aches and that won't really stop.

7 comments:

purplelurple said...

I am so sorry. I know how hard it is no matter how far along you are it still hurts. I am sorry you lost this one.

hairball said...

Well, you do have the fun of trying some more. That is always a plus ;)

Mo said...

I am still with you my friend. Nothing wise to say except that I send you lots of love. xx

Meli said...

I've had four early miscarriages, so from one understanding mama heart to another, I want to send you some super huge virtual (((((((HUGS)))))))
I'm so very sorry.

Amie said...

Bless your heart...thinking of you! *hugs*

Pink Panda said...

Hi. I found your blog through the November Club on BabyCenter.com. I'm so sorry about your loss! I'm glad that you know things will work out okay. I've read your blog some and I was wondering if you are Mormon.

Thanks, Megan pinkpanda2.blogspot.com

bodaat said...

oh Helena, I am so sorry. i haven't been online in several days and just saw your post. bless your heart. i wish you much healing in your soul and a soft place for your heart to land on.

love,
~kavita
-xxx-

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