(7) 8 Month Newsletter

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My dear sweet Natalie-girl,

Today you are 8 months old. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with you. Seriously time is going so fast sometimes it feels like I take a breath and you are on to the next thing.

I totally forgot to write one of these last month. Whoops. I kept thinking about it, and then before I knew it we were a mere week from today.
During your 6th and 7th months you have learned to crawl and pull up on everything (and anything) that you can. Last week you started crawling up stairs, which terrifies me. Thankfully at our new house there are only like 4 steps up into the house and none inside.

I am struggling to get you to sleep right now. I used to be able to lay you down and have an hour or sometimes two before you woke up. Currently there are 2 ways you will nap- in the car seat when we get home (as in I prop the door open and work in the kitchen while you are still in the car) or on me. If I am lucky I can lay you on the couch and snuggle you up and get 30 minutes before you figure out that you are alone and start fussing.

Yes, I know people would say "Just let her CIO (cry it out) it worked for my baby." But that seems so wrong to me. You have never cried yourself to sleep, well maybe once in the car after 45 minutes? But I just can't do it at home. You fuss and cry a lot as it is. Your separation anxiety is in full force, and usually you want mama and no one else (Big Sis, Rhayn is usually good, too). This too shall pass, right?

Just woke up and not happy about it.

At night you sleep well, but you're reverting back to the every few hour nursing. I know this is just a short part of our lives. Even though we co-sleep I am not sleeping well. Maybe its the stress of the move and changing our whole lives. Maybe it's because I miss your Dad during the week and I am so tired of "single parenting". Maybe we need a new bed? All I know is that I am exhausted, more so than I was in the beginning of your life. Again you are sick. Last night you puked all over me. Today you've had diarrhea and have vomited. The only diapers I have changed have been blow-out poops. Even when you woke up, your diaper was barely wet, and I didn't change it until you'd been up for an hour almost. (Not on purpose, I just forgot, it has to do with that lack of sleep crap.)
You have started really talking, or at least "practice" talking. You say mamamamamama dadadadadadada, lalalalalalala, gagagagagaga and many other cute little babbles. When you are crying, and I pick you up you will often tell me about it "agamada, abada anananana" I love listening to that.

I am sure I am forgetting so many things that I will later wish I had written down, but again, lack of sleep is making me forget everything I want to write. Maybe I will amend this later, but for now, sweet girl, just know I love you.

Mama

Thanksgiving (Observed)

We observe Thanksgiving with our family on a different day because of schedules. But it doesn't matter when we gather around the turkey, our family is full of fun and love.

Posing in the tree.

Wisdom and love.

Making crafts.

Everyone should buy pants to match their dog, shouldn't they?

Fall colors and fun.

I curled into myself in the closet, hands over my eyes breathing deeply, trying for the moment to catch a breath and calm myself so that I will stop shaking. Nothing is really wrong, but I feel anxious and shaky and totally freaked out.

Rewind just about 30 minutes and we were all sitting at the table eating lunch. Natalie was covered in orange pulp and green bean casserole as well as grass from being outside. She needed a bath, but she also hadn't had a good nap. (Recipe for disaster?) I took her in the shower with me and she was fine, so I thought "I'll wash my hair since I'd been outside working in the garden". Everything seemed alright until we started to get out, and I was wet, she was wet, and I started feeling panic rising in me.

I dried her off, and put her clothes on. Then dried myself, and listened to her cry and fuss, while I brushed my hair and got dressed.

Downstairs in our comfy chair, I tried to nurse her. Nope, she would latch for a second and pop off to see what was going around. I couldn't calm down and everywhere I looked the room looked messy. I paused the movie the girls were watching and told them to do a quick pick up before we watched the movie. I got up and started picking up, but I had to set Natalie down for a second. She screamed like she was hurt. I walked out, saying loudly to Will "You have to take her! You have to take her!"

And then walked quickly upstairs to my closet, to breath deeply and attempt to calm down.

Out of control feelings like that have been coming to me more and more lately. Our house is in a constant state of disarray. Not that that in itself should be the cause of my anxiety, but it is causing it in me right now. I feel like I have no control. I feel like I need to scream into a pillow and maybe cry.

Of course, Christmas is coming fast and that doesn't help at. all.

Gratitude Day 22

I am grateful for my life. Today is my 34th birthday. 34 years of me!

Gratitude Day 17- 21

Day 17- I am thankful for my sistah. I love that woman. She is amazing. Being 9 years apart was not good during out teen years (or mine teens actually, she wasn't a teen until I had my first baby at 23) but since we have become moms together, I feel a huge bond with her.

My sister and my youngest baby girls being held by my oldest, who just happens to be a little bit older than I was when my sister was born. I look at my girls and I see their adult friendships and love that they have each other.

Day 18- I am thankful that Will was able to get home by 5 on Friday so that he could attend a Lantern Walk at the girls' school. That made their day.

Day 19- I am grateful to my cousin, Hairball, who came up and went to see Breaking Dawn with me, and then went around as we joked about the more lame parts of the movie. Good times, and so nice even in we dragged my third arm along, she is cute, no? She thought that Breaking Dawn was, alright, but she really likes that the walls in the theater are soft. (Seriously she was giggling so loudly when she touched it.) She also enjoyed Jacob and the other wolves. Day 20- I am glad that the soccer season is over. Whew. I enjoy watching the girls play, but I am glad we won't have any more practices and we can have slow evenings.

Day 21- I am thankful that its Thanksgiving week. Only 2 1/2 days of school and then my favorite holiday, which we get to celebrate twice. I love food, friends, family.

Gratitude Day 16- This too shall pass

I am sitting in my reclining comfy chair, sleeping baby snuggled into my arms.
Today I am struggling with gratitude because I am tired. So tired. I am trying to recall my last "good" night of sleep. I fail to remember one.

Lately Natalie won't sleep without me touching her. Even in the night I feel her toes or hand on me, testing me, feeling me. She doesn't need to be latched on, like Gwennie did. But she needs me close. This makes life hard. I can't get things done when she sleeps unless I wear her. She needs these naps.

I try, every time, to lay her down. 5, sometimes 10, minutes later she starts fussing and searching for me. Most mornings I will get an hour without her. She nurses at 5:30 and I get up at 6, coming down for my time. Then at 7 I wake everyone up. But not today. Today she would not let me go. Would not let me leave her space, our space.

I know this is a short-lived phase. In a few years she won't need me any more and I will miss these days of snuggling in the chair.

But like my current favorite quote- The years are short, but the days are long.

Gratitude Day 15

I started packing today.

I am grateful that I have time to pack slowly while going through everything. We are downsizing quite a bit (from a 2500 square foot house to a 1900 square foot house). I love the idea of this. The main living spaces are about the same size, but in this house there is an upstairs living space that we don't really use. Also we won't have a garage to store things in, though we have 2 storage sheds- one that needs doors and one that is ready to use (I think). I only packed 5 small boxes of books, but have a pile that is half that size of books I no longer want.

Every box I pack brings us closer to our move and being together as a family again.

Gratitude Days 11-14

We were able to head to Sierra Vista this weekend and see the house we are buying. While down there I didn't get on the computer, I didn't check my email or Facebook. And I am grateful that I can do that, and not feel withdrawals. In fact its nice to be away from it all.

Friday was Veteran's Day. I am extremely grateful for my own Vet. He's great. We watched the SV parade and it was just long enough. It was chilly, and if you look at the mountain in the distance, it has snow on it. Snow. In Arizona. I love Sierra Vista so far. Saturday, the 12th, we went in the house. There are issues, no lies there. But I can imagine us there. I look forward to working on our home with Will. I am thankful that both Will and I are handy and should be able to to much of the repairs ourselves. Most likely we will be taking this wood pellet stove out. It, like much in the house, wasn't installed properly. Plus we plan to carpet this main living space.
On Sunday the 13th we took our time driving home. It was pouring rain in Tucson, so we stopped and ate at Denny's. I had hoped the rain would slow down while we ate and it did. I am grateful that we made it home safely. Today I am thankful for 70 degree weather. It is beautiful out today. (Picture from Friday, when we were all freezing.) I have all of the windows open letting in the outside air and hopefully ridding our home of the sickies. If anything it is making the house smell nice.

I'll catch up...

tomorrow. I promise. But for now, inspired by this post, I am going to let it go
and enjoy this moment.
This moment is bliss, holding a sweet sleeping girl in my arms.
This moment is bliss, smelling her sweet baby smell, soaking it in, before she grows into her big kid smell.

This moment is bliss.Picture taken last night, by a biggest sister.

Gratitude Day 10

I am grateful that, for the most part, my kids are healthy. Sure we pick up illnesses, colds, flues, and the like.

Rhayn has been to the hospital only a few times, once to be born, once to have her cleft palate surgery and one trip to the ER because she hit her head and it was a little bigger than I was comfortable with.

Gwen has only been to the urgent care once when she was wee because of a high fever.

Natalie has never been to the hospital or urgent care, though I have been more worried about her little issues than the other two. Her hematoma, her strange feet, her weird noises, her upper lip tie, her slight (barely there) case of eczema, all of that has worried me, but she is healthy.

I am so thankful for that.

My heart aches

Its been just over a year since I made the choice to surrender Penny. I ache inside when I think of her.
A week or so ago I was at Costco and the car parked behind me lifted its tailgate and inside was a dog that looked a little like Penny, I know it wasn't her, but for a moment I thought it might be. I know that she, most likely, was put to sleep. I know.
And I still ache.

Gratitude Day 8 and 9

I made it one week before I slacked.

Yesterday I felt grateful for the La Leche League meetings I have been going to. No, I don't currently have any breastfeeding issues, however I have. I am grateful to have found that group.

Today I am thankful that Gwennie hasn't puked all over the floor. She knows when she needs to puke and runs for the bathroom. Rarely does she miss the toilet. She's been good about it since she was 3. I am really thankful for that, since Rhayn is the opposite and often (even at 10) pukes all down the hallway from her bed to her bathroom. Since Gwennie is puking (at this moment) and has been getting sick since about 3 am this morning, this is a good thing.

Rhayn used to tell me that she "spilled" when she threw up. It was so cute.

Gratitude Day 7

I love how crafty kids are. Gwennie and her pal G made this bird out of clay, glue, feathers and googly eyes. It is so ugly but so much fun.

Gratitude Day 6

I love this baby, even when she is sick and having a hard time sleeping.
Her cuteness astounds me.
(And check out that top picture of her second tooth!)

Gratitude Day 5

I am grateful for the soccer league that my girls play in. Gwennie scored her 5th goal of the season. (If you ask her, really it was the 4th, once she threw the ball in from the sidelines, and that doesn't really count.)And Rhayn enjoys it as well. Sure, her team didn't win, but they had fun and that is what matters.

Gratitude Day 4

Today I am grateful for the Ergo I bought yesterday. I am trying to be crafty, attempting to make some stockings for Christmas and possibly a tree skirt, too. Every time I have attempted to cut out the fabric, little miss fusspot would protest. I put her on my back, and was able to get all five stockings cut out and nearly all sewn. Go me!

Yes, I have other carriers that she could be worn in. However, the Ergo is amazingly comfortable.

And look how pretty!

Gratitude Day 3

Today I am thankful for Craigslist. Seriously I scored and awesome Ergo baby carrier for less than half the retail price. I have a few baby carriers, and I use them often. But the one I use the most is a pain to put on. I have had my eye on one particular one for about a month now, stalking Craigslist for it.
After getting it, Natalie and I went and walked around Changing Hands and it was a breeze to get her on and off of my back in the Ergo. She seemed to really love it, too.
I am also thankful for the mother who sold it to me, because she drove to meet me half way even though she lives over by my sister (who lives 26ish miles away!) That was awesome.

Gratitude Day 2

Today I am grateful for cooler weather. I love the chill in the morning air. Since it is November it feels good to pull out the long sleeved shirts, jackets, gloves and hats. Sure its still in the 80s in the afternoons, but I will take these lovely cool mornings and soak it up.

Gratitude Day 1

Another November has entered our lives. I am once again going to focus on things I am grateful for.

Today I am grateful for my friends. Well, actually yesterday I was grateful for friends. You see, Rhayn got sick in the night on Sunday, and so Monday morning (Halloween) she was not going to school. And Natalie's rash (all over her body) had not subsided. I decided I would leave a sick 10 1/2 year old at home with a puke bowl, phone numbers for all of the people I could think of, and a lot of Harry Potter on the television while I took Gwennie to school and then Natalie to the doctor.

At school I ran into my friend, A, who offered to go sit with sicky while I was out.

I know Rhayn would have been fine at home alone. She often stays home alone, but she wasn't feeling well. And having A come over gave me peace of mind.

It turned out that Natalie was going to be fine and everything was honky dory.