Fears Lead to Tears

I think this morning it really hit me. It hit me, that for the past (I could be wrong on this one) four years I have been holding my breath. I have been pushing this fear down and away. I have not allowed myself the luxury of really thinking about the what ifs. But now, those are gone.

My brother is back stateside. He isn't in Iraq, he isn't fighting this stupid, endless war. So for now, I can breath more easily. I can let those tears, the ones I have held in because I was so afraid to let them out, flow down my cheeks. All of this time, I didn't realize that I was holding it all inside. I didn't acknowledge that I was ignoring the numbers of soldiers dying, or where they were stationed. If I acknowledged that I was doing that it was like acknowledging that I was waiting to hear that our Bear was among them. But he isn't, he is alive, and in New York, and he will be home soon.

I know that I will have to go through this again, because of Will. Because he will be deployed, he will be called to fight the endless war. But he, for the moment, is not deployable. He will not be sent away until at least next fall. It gives me reprieve, solace in knowing that for now, we are all safe. As far as I know none of my family of friends are in a warzone.

So if you can, hug those close to you, thank them, and love them as hard as you can. And if you pray, say a little one to thank God for sending my brother home.


abeNanna said...

Being torn between faith and fear is an easy thing. With abe's close contact with things not seen it has been easier, as he would have known immediately if anything had happened to our Bear.

You are right, we should always hold on tight when we can. We will all have to let go at some point at least for awhile. That reminds me, I better call g'ma. Love you

purplelurple said...

G'rat was able to talk to Bear last night but when i told him the other day that Bear was home we sat and held each other with tears in our eyes that he was finally home and safe. We are both so grateful that God has brought him home safe and sound. Even though Gavin guy still prays for his uncle Andrew.

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