There is a sick, sad little part of me that is so jealous of Will. Not jealous about other women, but that beast does rear her ugly head occasionally (because I think Will is so hot.) No, this is the he doesn't have to deal with these brat children, and he is having all of these experiences, without me, monster. Tonight as we spoke, he said he was headed out with a friend to get pizza. And this part of me, the mean part, was mad. I want him to sit there in his room and pine for us. A good portion of my time is spent like that. Every night when I put the girls to bed I think about him, what he is doing (probably sleeping) and wishing he was here. Some times I wish he was here, just so that I could get away from the kids for a moment. Sometimes I wish he was here, so that we could do what married couples do. And sometimes I just want to not be alone.
The other part of the jealousy is simply that every time he goes away for something he grows, in many ways. And we aren't doing any of it together. He learns new things, I am doing the same damn thing I have been doing for a year. He meets new people, well I guess I have met a few new people but none of them are the same people. I worry that he will have changed, he won't be the Will that left, and I will still be the person I was before. And maybe he won't want me anymore. Deployment scares me for this reason, more than any other*. I know often wives leave their husbands while they are away. The homebound spouse gets lonely and ends up finding solace in the guy next door. But I fear that he will leave me because he will realize (as he will have months to think) that we aren't really right for each other, that we have to work to hard to be happy, and it isn't worth it.
After his trip to Washington DC, he came home with all of these things that he did. And I was so sad because he and I? We have done so little together. I want to experience things with him. I want to be the one he turns to. He saw Phantom of the Opera. (He has seen it before, too.) But I have never seen it, and would love to. I love the soundtrack. If you could listen to my inner playlist, those songs, especially Think of Me are top in the rotation.
When he came home for Arkansas, he was different. Maybe it was that someone else was able to get him to dance. I love to dance, but he and I have never danced, not even a slow song in the comfort of our own living room. He came home and told me things that I didn't know. And it was painful. But we both agreed, at that point that we wanted it to work. I just feel like those things, the things that were wrong then will never be changed or fixed.
Every time we speak on the phone, for a moment I feel closer to him than I ever have. But whenever we hang up, I feel so broken. I wonder if all of this is crazy stuff in my head. I wonder if any of it has a basis in reality, or is something that I should worry about. I only know that I want us to work. I want to be his wife and the person he turns to. I want him to love me completely, but I want to be someone deserving of that love. And maybe all of this is really me not feeling like I measure up to what he needs and/or wants.
*I think it is weird that I feel this way, maybe it is that by projecting my fear into this, instead of him being injured or killed, I am better able to deal with the deployment.
And this is a hard post to write, and to push the publish button on. There are a lot of raw emotions and fears here. And it all seems to be stuff that I can't, at this moment do anything about.
1 comment:
I have been reading your blog for well over two years now and I love it probably more than any other one that I read. The reason for this? because you are so honest! You write about so many of the things that I think about, but feel too shy to write about, and often you have posted about the way you feel, and it makes me realize that I am not alone in the way that I feel. I think it is very unique to see such honesty even when it must have been really hard for you to have written it down, and put it out there.
Oh and for what it is worth, I think that even when a relationship is completely meant to be it is still hard work a lot of the time. And I think that this is OK, that this is what gives it purpose, and a reason to be. It is that, and all of the crap, and all of the joy, and all of the other stuff that makes it "meant to be." That is what deep love is all about.
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