It hits me in waves, how hard these next few years will be. With Christmas just past, I am reminded by items that didn't quite make it back into storage, that next year I will most likely not have Will home with me. He won't be here to make the cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving. Or welcome the new year (even if we usually do that asleep in bed.) We won't spend the 4th of July driving around looking for fireworks, or our birthdays on a date.

I still feel numb in a way about it. I feel like there isn't really any way it will truly happen. He won't be leaving us, he will still be here, right? Delusions. But I think if I dwell fully on the way it will be without him here, I will lose myself in a large stewing pot of self pity, fear and anxiety. Instead I need to be enjoying the time he will still be here. Because we really do not know when this will all go down, just that it is imminent.