I feel like I am falling far below the average, into "crappy mama land" I am not fit to parent a near-teen. I am a mess when I think about her, and what she is going through. I am scared for her. I know how hard that part of life was FOR ME, and how lonely I was through the beginning of it. Thankfully she seems to have a few friends to help her through (something I didn't have until 8th grade really) and that is a huge help. But I want to be her friend and... I just don't know how.
I fail at talking to her about things that I am sure she is dealing with. I fail at parenting her gently and leading her through to womanhood. I fail at every turn.
And I see no way to turn that around.
I feel like an awesome baby and toddler mama (or at least I don't feel like I fail at that part). I love to cuddle with my babies and read to them. But when it comes to tweens? Yikes.
I feel like I should have done more, been more, talked more, listened more. And I hope it isn't too late. But maybe it is, with her. And like me, she is the "trial kid" (the curse of being the oldest?) Maybe every mistake I make with her will help me better parent my other kids? Maybe this is just the way it works.
And I have to constantly remind myself- NO MAMA is perfect. We are all struggling with different things. My struggles with her are fleeting, and perhaps the discussions we've had earlier and the strength I know she has will be what helps her through her teen years seamlessly. I know I will be here, trying to listen, trying to be what she needs, trying because that is what I know I need to do.
And I will take advice from friends who've been here before, I will talk to mamas of older kids, mamas who know how hard this is. And hopefully, I will someday pass that knowledge on.