I am still trying to wrap my mind around the Family Reintegration seminar we went to. I need to do a free write in my journal (or what I like to refer to as "word vomiting") to really get my feelings out and then into some coherent ideas and thoughts. Right now its like trying to grab a fish in the lake. Its slimy and fast. Every time I think I have my hands around the "fish" it squirms away and I lose that thought. I can't quite grasp the darn fish.
I found an old friend on Facebook, and have been chatting with him a lot. It is great fun, because he is silly and enjoyable to chat with. I totally get his jokes. Another great thing about him? He was in Iraq. Actually as we were chatting he was leaving Iraq to come home. And the biggest coincidence of all? He was stationed on the same base as Will is. Only they didn't know one another. I told him my hubby was at that base and he told me that he was telling his buddies that he thought he had seen my hubby (based on pics of him on my Facebook account) on their base. How cool? Then I found out he is coming home through the base that my brother is stationed at. Its like kismet, only not.
Talking to him really made me miss Will, but it also allowed me to work through some mental block/issues I was having about this deployment. You see, the longer it drags on the harder it is for me to deal with. I have been having some "not so great" thoughts* and feeling the need to stare at the computer for hours. My back and body are tense all of the time. I feel, well, I really can not describe how I feel about life right now. I just want to sleep, and I rarely feel hungry. But most of all, it just feels like sometimes this bad stuff will never end. (Luckily my inner Vulcan comes out and tells me that it will, I will get through this and come out on the other end, stronger and more resilient.)
Most days during the day, I feel awesome. I laugh and joke and have a good time. But night comes, and I want to escape. I can see why someone would turn to drugs or alcohol at a time like this. That escape, if only for a little while is so very appealing. I won't do it, because I don't like the way I feel. I read, I have been reading voraciously, more than normal, the past few weeks. But I can't stop reading, because even movies aren't enough of an escape.
Monday we had a dentist appointment. Rhayn had been bugging me to cut her hair for weeks. She had been trying to grow it out, but was not blessed with thick beautiful hair. Oh, its pretty- a nice color and all, but its not thick, its thin and the longer it got the stringier it got. She also did not like being in charge of brushing all of that stuff. She wanted it short, like Gwennie's. I took her in looking like this:
And we left with her hair shorter, in a wedge. It looks so cute. It suits her, and I hope she will want this hair for a while. I love it. Really do. Here it is:
A picture of two cute girls at the zoo this morning. The weather was ideal for a nice morning at the zoo. We actually were rained on... just for a few minutes, but it was worth it and wonderful. I love the rain.
*These thoughts do not deal with hurting myself or my kids. Its more like just a general melancholy feeling and not feeling myself. I don't want to write out the stupid thoughts, but they really are just not quite what I usually feel/think.