Lately my view has been of a little girl who desperately misses her daddy. She sits across from me, at that stage of life where she is gaining her independence. She has her own view, her own ideas. I don't want to stifle them. I want her to understand that he misses her just as much, and that sometimes it is alright to be sad about things.
Rhayn told me once that I never cry. I looked at her, and wondered, do I really hide my sadness from them? The answer is yes. I hide my feelings from everyone. I didn't want anyone to know that I had feelings when I was younger. I wanted to come off as really cool, and feelings? Those are for girly girls. I was not one of those. As time went by, crying became something I only did in the confines of my room, mostly in my closet, maybe in the bathroom. I would not cry in front of others. How many times has Will seen me cry? I could probably count that on two hands, in the eight years we have known each other. I cried the night he left, I didn't hide it then. I needed him to see that I was hurting.
I need my girls to know that I hurt, too. But then I also need them to see me as their strength during this time. How can I do both? How can I be open and let my feelings fly, while being the rock that shelters them? Where is my balance? I tell them that I miss him, I allow my eyes to be misty. But if the tears start? They may never stop.