An admission

At the beginning of this pregnancy I swore I would never say/write the thing I am just about to write-
I am so done being pregnant.

Whew. That was hard to admit. Truth sometimes is hard to admit. I had this (glorified version of a pellet gun... whoops wrong thought there, I meant) glorified version of pregnancy. I know that emotionally both my pregnancy with Rhayn and Gwennie were hard. But physically? Not so much. This time around I have felt miserable longer. I ache in weird ways. Last week after my appointment with the midwife (I think the next day?) my pelvis started aching. It feels like its separating right at the groin. This week I spoke to my midwife about it and she had no encouraging words other than "it happens and is normal". I am stuck with pain- physical pain. I do not do so well with physical pain.

But I birth at home, you may add. I know, I birth at home. There are no drugs there. But epidurals, and I had one with my first birth and one with my second when I had an ECV when Gwennie's stubborn butt was breech, make me feel very... wrong. Birth is not the same thing as prolonged physical pain. Its a finite amount of pain with the most beautiful reward at the end. I can do that, because I KNOW it will end and I KNOW there will be a baby.

This pain? If I move wrong its rather excruciating. I want to cry because there is nothing I can do to "fix" it. I have to be careful, the midwife suggested coming downstairs once a day or trying to be really careful when I go up and down them. How am I supposed to do that? I feel goofy enough trying to get up out of bed in the morning and removing myself from the car and the couch. (Not because I am huge, because I am so not huge, but because it hurts.) I can't imagine another 4-6 weeks of this.

Did I also mention I had her check me, just to see if maybe this pain is because there is a head already in the birth canal? Well there isn't. This baby is still floating pretty high up. Sure all of that could change in an instant (or a few hours) but I don't think that will happen.

So I am in for 4 more weeks of this. Can I curl up in a ball and cry now?

(I'm not discounting others, like my husband, and their pain. Really I am not. I feel like a jerk even writing this. But its my blog and I get to whine on it if I want to.)

1 comment:

Elise said...

my third pregnancy by far was the worst. my pelvis split every time she stretched and almost brought me tears for almost two months. really dont know why it was the worst

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