So here I am, still not pregnant. I had assumed it would be as easy as it was with Gwennie. We sort of tried for a few months, but the month I really tracked my cycle we were knocked up. I have been doing that since February and still nothing. Well there was that cycle with the "chemical pregnancy" or early miscarriage. I am still sad about that. I know that whenever it happens will be perfect, but every month puts our kids farther (or is it further?) apart age-wise.
Every month ends in my sadness, and this feeling that I am a failure. Oh, and have I mentioned the extreme jealousy I feel towards those around me who are pregnant? Especially those who weren't trying? (I am looking at YOU Amanda, and at YOU my wonderful sister, dacheese.)
I feel sad in the pit of my stomach, thinking about how I would have been 8 (almost 9) weeks right now if I hadn't lost that pregnancy. I would be getting close to the point when I could feel the little birdie flapping its wings in me. (I felt Gwennie at about 11-12 weeks. I know it seems early but I KNOW what I felt.)
Will has no idea how depressing this all is. He hasn't been supportive, but I haven't spoken to him about it so how can he be? I had been hoping that this would all be a moot point and I would be pregnant this month. Even if I didn't want a Christmas baby, I am ready for this part to be over.
Being sick this week and that weird pain, hasn't helped AT ALL. I can only hope that since my period started, my hormones are going to stabilize and I will feel "normal" again. I know my family hopes so, too. (I have been in rare form this week, yuck.)
7 comments:
I understand your hurt and jealousy... everyone knows how jealous I was and how much I resented my sister when she became pregnant without planning it (or being in the situation she needed to be in to have a baby) and I longed for one so bad (Kevin was in Japan and we didn't want to do it like that)... And here I am again, trying to be responsible and wait until we buy a house before we have another one, and she's pregnant again... still not married either.. anyway, it's tough, for sure... just hang in there.. like you said, when it happens, it will be perfect!
Oh and Leala was supposed to be a twin... the egg didn't develop right... we saw the sac though at 13 weeks... anyway, I still think of what could have been and all that too.. couldn't really mourn it either since Kevin was on the ship...
Doesn't Will read your blog?
Wayne, yes he does.
Hang in there. From someone who knows how much it hurts, I am so sorry. Know that you are not alone. I went through years of feeling that way - trying so hard to have another baby and watching everyone else have babies. And yes, the miscarriages are not fun either. It is a hurt that no one can truly understand except those who have gone through it. Hang on - my thoughts are with you.
(saying with a bag on my head...) I know when I had my ectopic my sister got pregnant with the same due date. That was really hard. I didn't handle things very gracefully.
I hate trying to conceive. I think I will always be empathetic to the pain and hell women go through.
much love to you Helena!
PS
as I was reading that I was thinking I wonder if she's talking about me... Oh, yes. Yes she is.
hang in there sister. keep focusing on the possibility. you're not a failure. the time just isn't right. it will be one day and hopefully one day soon.
hugs,
~k
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