Anxious

I find keeping secrets hard. Don't you? Especially on my blog. This started out as a place to pour out my feelings, only one of my cousins read it and that was about all my audience was. Now nearly six years later, I know if I write something on here, most of the people I talk to on a regular basis will know. My family will know.

I can keep other people's secrets, just not my own. Plus, I want support for what ever comes of this.

You see a few days ago, I peed on a stick and the second line appeared. I started at it in shock. It was early, my period not due for about five days, but I had a pregnancy test in the closet and by gum I was going to use it. The line wasn't dark, but it was clear and it appeared within moments. I didn't run downstairs thrilled at the thought. I put the test in the drawer and walked away.
The next morning, I did the same thing. I peed on a stick, watched the second line appear and wondered. I spent two days with my knowledge. Two long hard days, but I needed to process it before I could even tell Will. The line was a little bit darker the second day, more clear. I told Will Wednesday evening. I know I posted on Thursday about not knowing. I knew, but I needed to write something about it. I needed to share something without sharing. But it seemed really silly.

All weekend I knew and didn't tell anyone. Will and I finally told the girls Sunday night, because I want to tell the family on Monday.

I went to Coolidge and told everyone Monday night, trying to be sneaky by having Gwennie and Rhayn each wear a "Big Sister" shirt. It all worked out fine and everyone was told.
Then I drove home. I was fine until I got home and went to bed. I started cramping. Not bad, just enough that I could feel it. I couldn't sleep because of it, and I started to worry about losing the baby. I fell asleep but at 3am Will came downstairs because he was awake. When he went back up, I went to the bathroom to poop. I felt constipated. But I was able to go. Unfortunately it made me bleed light pink a little and that made me panic a little more. Needless to say I had an awful night's sleep. When I got up the spotting was brown. And its gone now, but I am scared.

I called the doctor's office and set up an appointment for this morning to check for pregnancy. I am terrified that they will say that I am not. I am pretty sure I will have to have a blood test. So I most likely won't know anything until tomorrow.

I hate this. I hate it hate it hate it. This happened when I was pregnant with Gwennie, too. I spotted and was sure I was losing the baby. I have had 2 miscarriages previously. I think that makes one more paranoid. All I know is that whatever will be will be. If I lose the baby its not the end of the world. I will be sad, really sad, especially on my birthday which is the day after this baby's due date. I know that if we lose this baby, we'll wait a few months to try again. But I also know that its heartbreaking to lose a baby, and its painful. I know all of this, but emotionally? I am such a huge mess right now that I can barely stand it.