If my skin were a color, it would be green right now. No, not because I have spent so much time in my garden digging in the earth. It would be green with envy. I feel so jealous of everyone. Jealous because their partner is home with them. Jealous because they are having babies. Jealous because things at their house work and aren't breaking. Jealous.
This deployment drags on and on. I just can't seem to get out of this funk at the moment, this loneliness.
I can't even begin to explain how lonely it feels, because part of it is that the relationships I am envious of, are nothing like what Will and I have. They are more like what I want us to have. But as with anything, our marriage needs work. We have both lived side by side but not always together for so long. And now we aren't even side by side.
There are very few things in life that I want very much, one of them is to have the kind of relationship with Will where I can tell him anything, and never question that he will love me through it. I want him to feel the same way towards me. I want us to be best friends and automatically turn to each other before anyone else. But we don't. Most of all, I want to feel comfortable crying on his shoulder.
It hurts to admit that we havevery little of that. I have spent so much of this deployment looking at our marriage through rose-colored glasses, remembering only the good parts, pretending the bad parts never existed. But reality has sunk in.
We had a disagreement via email. Stupid and petty. But I have spent the past three days feeling like I was punched in the stomach. It is over a misunderstanding, as usual. It is really silly, words not used properly, teasing not taken as teasing. And I don't even know if it has upset him at all. I, on the other hand, keep going over it. Over and over and over. Like a bad movie that keeps playing in my head. I want it to stop but that button is broken. I want him to call, to email, to tell me its alright. If he was home, I would be sitting here, anxiously waiting for him to let me know that he really isn't mad. (This is usually done by some strategic bottom slapping or grabbing, I miss that.) If he was home, we would talk, maybe not very much, but a little then we would do what married folk do when they make up. And it would be awesome.
Instead I sit here, worrying. Stressing. Probably getting ready to break out in another "heat rash". I feel dumb for worrying so much, and causing my body stress that it doesn't need. But I can't help it. He has been gone pretty much for over a year now (with trainings and whatnot) and I miss him. I miss knowing he is in his office or downstairs. I miss having someone to talk to at night. I miss family dinners, because lately its been a struggle not to curl up into a ball crying at night, so the girls and I watch sitcoms (Frasier) because it makes dinner tolerable. I hate that I have turned to that. It is so easy when he is home to sit as a family at the table, to talk, to unload the day together. I don't want to sit at the dining room table without him, because it feels empty.
These days I feel that I am going through the daily motions, but not really living. Its just not a good way to be.