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If my skin were a color, it would be green right now. No, not because I have spent so much time in my garden digging in the earth. It would be green with envy. I feel so jealous of everyone. Jealous because their partner is home with them. Jealous because they are having babies. Jealous because things at their house work and aren't breaking. Jealous.

This deployment drags on and on. I just can't seem to get out of this funk at the moment, this loneliness.

I can't even begin to explain how lonely it feels, because part of it is that the relationships I am envious of, are nothing like what Will and I have. They are more like what I want us to have. But as with anything, our marriage needs work. We have both lived side by side but not always together for so long. And now we aren't even side by side.

There are very few things in life that I want very much, one of them is to have the kind of relationship with Will where I can tell him anything, and never question that he will love me through it. I want him to feel the same way towards me. I want us to be best friends and automatically turn to each other before anyone else. But we don't. Most of all, I want to feel comfortable crying on his shoulder.

It hurts to admit that we havevery little of that. I have spent so much of this deployment looking at our marriage through rose-colored glasses, remembering only the good parts, pretending the bad parts never existed. But reality has sunk in.

We had a disagreement via email. Stupid and petty. But I have spent the past three days feeling like I was punched in the stomach. It is over a misunderstanding, as usual. It is really silly, words not used properly, teasing not taken as teasing. And I don't even know if it has upset him at all. I, on the other hand, keep going over it. Over and over and over. Like a bad movie that keeps playing in my head. I want it to stop but that button is broken. I want him to call, to email, to tell me its alright. If he was home, I would be sitting here, anxiously waiting for him to let me know that he really isn't mad. (This is usually done by some strategic bottom slapping or grabbing, I miss that.) If he was home, we would talk, maybe not very much, but a little then we would do what married folk do when they make up. And it would be awesome.

Instead I sit here, worrying. Stressing. Probably getting ready to break out in another "heat rash". I feel dumb for worrying so much, and causing my body stress that it doesn't need. But I can't help it. He has been gone pretty much for over a year now (with trainings and whatnot) and I miss him. I miss knowing he is in his office or downstairs. I miss having someone to talk to at night. I miss family dinners, because lately its been a struggle not to curl up into a ball crying at night, so the girls and I watch sitcoms (Frasier) because it makes dinner tolerable. I hate that I have turned to that. It is so easy when he is home to sit as a family at the table, to talk, to unload the day together. I don't want to sit at the dining room table without him, because it feels empty.

These days I feel that I am going through the daily motions, but not really living. Its just not a good way to be.

4 comments:

Mo said...

Oh Leaner, just remember that we often see what we want to see in other peoples relationships, and that all couples have their issues, they most likely just hide them well.

We also have so many ups and downs, and sometimes I feel so distant from my DH, and other times very close. I have come to believe that this is the normal course of marriage, and that the work it takes to get through the hard times is what defines, and ultimately strengthens a marriage. However, I am not in your situation with a spouse deployed for so long, and I ache for you.

I am always here if you ever need me. xx

Anonymous said...

I 2nd Mo's comments. I grew up watching my parents incredible love story one with so many ups & downs. Very rarely was it a perfect romance, but it was real, authentic, genuine & is still going strong. Marriage is the hardest & most fulfilling job I've ever had. It's worth all the time & energy put into it, but it is DAMN hard! I wish that I could teleport Will here so you could communicate face to face. I am holding you in my heart, am here for an ear, a dinner escape or a send-a-husband for fix it projects. Huge hugs, S

bodaat said...

Hi lovely,
Now Rich and I are just on the cusp of our journey together but there are plenty of times that I wish that certain parts of our relationship were different and it was just the other day I said to myself that I must accept where we are at in our journey and to only focus on moving forward. I don't think anybody's relationship is perfect no matter how hard they work at making it look so. No relationship I have been in has been easy and movie-esque. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be all preachy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think it's quite common to feel like you're in a relationship that needs improvement.

Having said all of this, and like Mo said, I am not in your situation and I can't imagine how hard this all must be. I wish you much comfort, hugs, and peace in your heart. We really should get together already so i can finally give you that GIANT hug I owe you.

Love,
Kavita

lvh said...

Just checking on you since it's not like you to go long without blogging. Hope everything is okay - if it wasn't so far from AZ, I'd insist you and the girls come and spend some time with me this summer and enjoy the clean cool air. Love ya, aunt lvh

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