I am feeling so much better today. Well I was yesterday, too. I just didn't really feel like coming here, and seeing that post and ripping the scab off a fresh wound.
The girls are watching Wall-E, have you seen it? I enjoyed it immensely. Its at the end right now, and it is so sweet, that I am trying hard not to tear up.
The girls got way too much stuff for Christmas. I am sure I was overcompensating for not being able to give the girls what they most wanted- Daddy. And he was able to buy them a few things on Amazon. I spent way too much. I need to reign that in, and fast. I kept thinking of "one more thing" that I wanted to get them, and would go to Target. I know better. But I also know Christmas comes but once a year and I will not over spend like this again.
I received very little and for once? That didn't even make a difference. I felt happy seeing my girls' faces on Christmas morning when they opened a gift that they had really wanted. The excitement that Rhayn showed when she rode her bike was phenomenal, even though it was a different one than she had had her eye on. The way Gwennie's eyes glowed because she got the "big horse" she had asked Santa for, it made the day great. I can see that Christmas morning should be about the kids. Now I don't mind getting a gift or two (Santa bought me a food processor.) But really it shouldn't center around me, and this was the first year that it really hit me.
Maybe at 31 I have finally grown up. Maybe it is because I am the only parent, and am therefore forced to be more grown up and see things that should be about them more than me. I think that it is the latter more than the former, but they coincide nicely. I just have a different prespective this year than I usually have, thinking about the things that really matter- family, friends.
Don't get me wrong, I can still be immature and childish- but it isn't as much as before. I am trying to be a strong, grown up woman. I want my girls to see that, to see me as an authority figure. Wow, writing that sentence came as a shock. I don't want to be the boss, really, but I need them to listen to me, look up to me, and understand that what I say goes. While at the same time, I need them to know that I am here if they need to talk about anything. This is hard to do. I don't think anyone really does it perfectly. It is a skill that would be ideal for us to be born with, but everyone is different and we have to learn these skills.