20081227

Feeling Better.

I am feeling so much better today. Well I was yesterday, too. I just didn't really feel like coming here, and seeing that post and ripping the scab off a fresh wound.

The girls are watching Wall-E, have you seen it? I enjoyed it immensely. Its at the end right now, and it is so sweet, that I am trying hard not to tear up.

The girls got way too much stuff for Christmas. I am sure I was overcompensating for not being able to give the girls what they most wanted- Daddy. And he was able to buy them a few things on Amazon. I spent way too much. I need to reign that in, and fast. I kept thinking of "one more thing" that I wanted to get them, and would go to Target. I know better. But I also know Christmas comes but once a year and I will not over spend like this again.

I received very little and for once? That didn't even make a difference. I felt happy seeing my girls' faces on Christmas morning when they opened a gift that they had really wanted. The excitement that Rhayn showed when she rode her bike was phenomenal, even though it was a different one than she had had her eye on. The way Gwennie's eyes glowed because she got the "big horse" she had asked Santa for, it made the day great. I can see that Christmas morning should be about the kids. Now I don't mind getting a gift or two (Santa bought me a food processor.) But really it shouldn't center around me, and this was the first year that it really hit me.

Maybe at 31 I have finally grown up. Maybe it is because I am the only parent, and am therefore forced to be more grown up and see things that should be about them more than me. I think that it is the latter more than the former, but they coincide nicely. I just have a different prespective this year than I usually have, thinking about the things that really matter- family, friends.

Don't get me wrong, I can still be immature and childish- but it isn't as much as before. I am trying to be a strong, grown up woman. I want my girls to see that, to see me as an authority figure. Wow, writing that sentence came as a shock. I don't want to be the boss, really, but I need them to listen to me, look up to me, and understand that what I say goes. While at the same time, I need them to know that I am here if they need to talk about anything. This is hard to do. I don't think anyone really does it perfectly. It is a skill that would be ideal for us to be born with, but everyone is different and we have to learn these skills.

6 comments:

Mo said...

For what it is worth I think you are doing great with your girls while Will is away. You amaze me with your strength, and yet you remain very sensitive to their needs as well. Not easy to combine the two, and yet you do it so well.

Everyday Mom Designs said...

I am glad you are feeling better and that you had a great Christmas.

Lisa G. said...

We didn't really do much this year, except for the kids because we're still recovering from my being laid off last month. But you know, I didn't really mind, either. It was still a blast seeing the kids' faces light up.

cristina said...

i'm glad you are doing better. on a happy note, my husband say your christmas card and thinks gwen should be a model with that 1000megawatt smile!

leaner said...

Homey- LOL. Yes she had the h8ugest smile. I should have known that she would, when she was first smiling her mouth became a perfect o.

Sara said...

I've always hated receiving presents, so I'm happy to shift the attention to Ryan. Besides I enjoy buying too. So glad it was a good Christmas, even without Will being home.

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