20081008

Thankfulness

Today was one of those days where I was glad that I have Rhayn in her school. Not because of her, but for Gwennie. I feel like I am surrounded by people who care about me, and how I am. Not just because they are nosy, but they actually care.

Admittedly I am sick of answering the "How are you doing?" question. I am fine, and I will continue to be fine, because I. Have. To. Be. I don't have the option to lose myself, and feel pity for myself constantly. I do feel it sometimes. Of course, I feel sad and lonely at functions where having Will there would be beneficial or even just nice. But then I remember that he has been so busy for most of our marriage that he probably wouldn't have been there anyway. (Not saying that he wouldn't want to be there... just that old "life gets in the way" thing.)

I ache inside for our girls. Gwennie talks about him all of the time. I know she misses him, and her feelings are so clear and as always show all over her sweet face. Rhayn is acting out. She pushes limits like never before. Although I know much of this is because of her age, and that whole growing up thing, so much of her attitude is because she misses Daddy and doesn't know how to express it.

Much of the time when I open up a new post, and stare at the computer screen attempting to come up with a new and exciting story, I try to think of what we have been doing and ways to convey the fun the girls and I have. But I am so overwhelmed by emotions. Feelings of inadequacy, fear of failure, and loneliness to name a few of my regular emotions. So many women have been here before me. So many families torn apart by wars, in situations far worse than mine. We have our house and enough money to pay our bills. I have my family close enough by that I feel secure. And I have the support of good friends, women that I know I can count on to help if I need it.

There is a good friend missing, but I can count on her crazy calls about once a week. Although she doesn't read my blog, I try to convey to her how important those calls are for me. (And the reminder that just because she moved to a new state doesn't mean we won't stay in contact- which helps me in dealing with my fear of Will and my somewhat shaky relationship getting worse while he is gone. I feel closer to my friend in some ways while we speak on the phone.)

I don't want to look back at this time and only see sadness on my blog. I don't want to read post after post about how lonely I am. Because we all know that is how I feel. I want to write about things we have done, plans we have made, places we have gone. I also don't want to feel like I have abandoned this blog, because of the photo blog I am currently working on. (If y0u haven't found it- here is the link. It is a 365 day photo blog. You take a picture every day for a year, to chronicle the year, and also to get better at taking pictures.)

I guess the whole idea of this post was to tell everyone that I am still here, I am DOING FINE. I will post when I can and try not to be all doom and gloom all of the time. Ok? I am off to read Wicked now. G'Night!

4 comments:

bodaat said...

There's always a beauty to your posts Leaner. Nearly always a certain depth that other blogs don't have. A certain nakedness that I admire. I'm not sure that I could write posts like yours and I truely respect your...for lack of a better word...your realness.

Amie said...

Ewww, you're reading Wicked? What do you think of it? I started it and had to put it away, thought it was horrible. Anyway, happy reading! lol! (PS everyone says it's 180 degrees diff than the play)

Doulala said...

I just finished reading Wicked about a month or so ago. Let me know what you think. The play is coming to the Gammage sometime next year. Tickets go on sale in February, I think. A few of us plan on going. Maybe you can go with us.

HomeSlice said...

i was wondering where you went! all i can say is i'm sorry for what you are going through - - - and reach out if you need support.

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