Will called on Friday night, but our conversation was cut short. He didn't even get to talk to the girls. They were disappointed by that. When he called again today, I kept expecting him to have to go suddenly. Instead we were able to have a lengthy conversation about stuff. One of those conversations that totally makes you just ache for your partner. We talked about all sorts of things. We talked about house stuff, the girls, how much he hates Oklahoma, and even politics. Now, normally I don't follow politics, but this race is so interesting. I am curious who will come out ahead in the democratic race, so much so that I listen to the radio to hear news. This conversation made me feel so raw. Like we connected on this level that we hadn't been connecting on. It ripped open some wounds, too. But they will heal much more quickly this time.
During our entire relationship, I have always felt like a lesser person. Will is so knowledgeable. He soaks up information of any kind. It isn't that he is condescending, because he isn't (anymore) it is that he knows enough about nearly every subject that he is almost always right. Yes, I know, someone has to be right. It was just painful that it was never me. When we started dating in 2000, I was not at peace with myself enough to fully give myself to him. I was unable to allow myself to understand him and allow him in. I think in some ways, he was totally not right for me. Yet we fit, and he completed a part of me that I had hidden away. I didn't allow myself to come to terms with that until years later, though.
I had thought that the only way to be truly happy was to find someone who was the same as you, that a good quality relationship would be with your "twin." A good friend of mine told me that sometimes a relationship is a yin and yang. He explained that a perfect relationship is one where you complete each other. The other person is your missing puzzle piece and you will never be truly happy without that part. As I have grown with Will, in our relationship, and grown inside of myself, this has resonated even more deeply. He is that part I had been searching for. We work together in harmony, when we try. We push each other in ways that are needed. At least, he does this for me, I really hope he feels the same.
In all of this time, as we have worked together it has become comfortable. It has become safe. It has become what I need. Yet, there are parts that are missing. I know that. He knows that. We need to keep working on our puzzle, fitting our pieces perfectly together, and allowing them to rest into the other. You see, the two things that are the most important in any relationship are trust and mutual desire. Not meaning only sexual desire- mutual desire to work together, mutual desire to grow and be together. I am sure there are other things that are important, and other words I can use. I know that trust and faith in the other person go hand in hand. I trust Will. I know that he would never mean to hurt me, and that he wants what is best for me, for us. I hope that he trusts me in the same way. I know that a part of that trust was broken seven years ago, as I threw a ring at him. I know that it has never healed. I didn't know that until recently though. I thought that our years together, since then, meant something as a way to heal. We both have kept ourselves tied back, instead of clinging to each other, we have kept ourselves guarded.
I am trying to allow myself to open up, to him, to others. It isn't easy. I have always ALWAYS kept part of me under a lock and key, hidden away from everyone. I have always done that, to keep myself from being hurt. This is a tedious journey. I have allowed very few people in. My friend, Dan, the one who explained the yin and yang relationship, weaseled his way into my soul. He knew what I was thinking, he knew so much about me, without me telling him. We were soul mates in a way, only twin souls, two so alike, it would have never worked. I miss him. We haven't spoken in five years. But I don't need him like I did back then. I need Will. I need his wisdom, his touch, his mind, his ideas. I need him to look into my soul and see. I want him to know me as completely as anyone can know another person. But it scares me, it scares me more than standing on top of the Empire State Building scares me (because I have a slightly debilitating case of acrophobia.) It frightens me that he will see something undesirable in me, and run the other way. I guess that has always been a fear of mine, and will never really go away.