One or Two

So here is my update, really I don't feel better. I have scheduled an appointment with my family doctor, to talk about the possibility of the IUD causing my issues. I have been reading up on it, and it can increase migraine headaches, it can cause mood swings, and a few of the other things I have been experiencing. I thought it was such a great idea, not having to worry about when we were intimate and all of that, but I am just as worried now that it is causing my severe issues.

I decided that maybe I am pregnant. No birth control is 100 percent, right? In fact 1 in 100 get pregnant with an IUD. Then I started thinking that really it wouldn't be so bad if I were pregnant. I don't want to be just yet, I want to wait until Gwennie is at least 3, but then again... we could be done with this part of life, done with diapers and pregnancy, done with breastfeeding and co-sleeping (haha.)

It would make going to college easier, because we would be done, and in a couple of years the kids would be in school, and I could devote myself to the pursuit of higher education. Is it selfish to want to be at that point? I don't want to get started with school, and then get pregnant. Like with Gwennie, I had signed up for classes, and was getting back into it, when BAM! I fell pregnant (I mean we were trying, but I thought that it would take longer!)

I know that because I have an IUD, there is a great chance of miscarriage, and I have had two so far, one three months before Rhayn and one about eighteen months after her. I KNEW that I was not ready for another child at that point and was so scared to tell Will when I saw the second line. I didn't tell my family until I was nearly ten weeks (and less than two weeks before I miscarried.) I just didn't want to admit that I was. I was devastated when I lost that baby, even though I "knew" something wasn't right. This time, I didn't feel totally panicky. In fact I felt rather calm about it.

So this morning when I peed on the stick, and waited the obligatory three minutes (then ten just to be sure) I wondered how I would feel. And I was surprised to feel really disappointed by the single line.

*******I had a dream a few weeks ago that I had just had twin boys, and so had my Aunt LVH (yes, she had birthed a set of twin boys!) Weird huh? We were at BabiesRUs buying car seats.


tif-do said...

That's one of the things I miss the most about being done, is the excitment of peeing on that darn stick. Those minutes ticking by and checking for one line or two. I don't think you are selfish or anything like that to want your babies close so that you can have time later on. Nothing wrong with that at all. And I wouldn't be at all suprised if the IUD was causing all your problems. When I was on the pill, I turned into a complete pshyco. (Not a good thing at all.) Hope you can find the cause and live the good life for awhile. Love ya-

Pen-nut said...

If you only knew how many times I had to pee on one of those sticks. Too many to count with all the times we tried to have more kids. I would definately check out the IUD. I have found with all my problems that it's amazing how many problems you can have from one little thing being off in your system. Hope you feel better soon, it's no fun to be sick. Love ya!

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