I feel weird today. Not like I am going into labor or anything, but the anxiety is a bit overwhelming! I feel like maybe I have dropped. I feel lower than I have and it worries me. Maybe I have just been standing up more today? I really hope that is all it is, because the idea that labor is coming scares me.
We just aren't ready to have her yet. I mean physically we are, but emotionally- I am not ready! Plus its too early. I am barely 35 weeks!
Maybe I am just getting to a point where I am dwelling on her upcoming birth. I have spent many hours wondering what life will be like after she comes. I feel afraid that I will be unable to give to her the undying love I have for Rhayn. Will she be "second best?" Its not possible, because she was so planned and she was longer for. Yet I wonder how it will be. I know that the heart expands and we have enough love for more than one person or child.
I love Will with all of my heart, and I love Rhayn. But they are different loves, so will I love baby differently than I love Rhayn? Will it be a thus far undiscovered love? Is my choice to make her arrival different and to do things differently going to affect how I feel about her and how I feel about Rhayn? Will being able to nurse her heal wounds from not being able to nurse Rhayn? What will happen if I am unable to nurse her as well?
There are so many questions, fears, worries running through my mind. Is this part of nesting for her? I baked so much and cleaned so much when I was nesting with Rhayn. I wanted to sew and did. This time- I have the desire to do those things, BUT I have not found the drive. So I am waiting.
Today I did get all of those tiny little clothes washed and folded and put away into her drawers. I have everything ready, I think. But am I ready? Am I really ready?
How can I prepare myself? How can I prepare Rhayn? How can I prepare Will? Is there anything we really can do to prepare?