Mommy thoughts

Just a few days ago our baby turned two. For months I've been struggling with this feeling of sadness and like someone is missing from our family.
Of course, it's not a mutual feeling, but one I'm dealing with alone. I want to say that I'm coming to terms with our family as it is, that I'm totally OK with never having another child.
I want to say I'm 85% OK with it, most days. Like I think I will be OK, but right now I'm not. I don't even know how to explain this feeling.
I love our family, I love these kids and the life we have. I love where we are in life.
Always... But...
I've started trying to see the bright side of life with these four girls. To imagine where we'll be in a few years, when everyone is in school, and I can start my life again. Only I'm not sure I want that, I'm not sure what I want.
I've been a stay at home mom for so long, it feels like this is who I am. I mean, yes, I want to do something else with my life.
I'm just so lost.
And I'm tired of being sad.
And I'm tired if being tired.
And I'm tired of not knowing what I really want.
But I am afraid.
And unsure.

But I know, it'll all work out in the end.

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