Middle of the night and wide awake- again. Only tonight my brain is obsessing about death. Last night I was worried about Will's annual training, but not really.
Tonight I started thinking about what would happen if I died. Right. Now.
What a horribly morbid thought. And I realized I do not want to die. I want to live and watch my beautiful girls grow up. If I died....
I want Will to know how much I love him. I don't tell him. I try to do things to let him know, but the words "I love you" rarely leave my lips. I hate that about myself. I want to be more demonstrative with my love towards him. I wish I could go back in time and take back the mean things I've said to him, to change the way our relationship is. But it is what it is and maybe we just need to work on that. But if I weren't around- I want him to know that I'm happy with him.
Rhayn, I want you to know how proud I am of you and how much I love you. You are an amazing person and are growing up into a lovely young woman. I am constantly amazed at what you can do and how responsible you are. (That also makes me a little bit harder on her than I should be.)
To Gwen, my sweet Gwen. I can't wait to see who you become in the next few years. This time is so critical in your growth. And your dad is the perfect person to guide you to womanhood since you are so much like him. I love you. You have healed so much inside of me with your loving ways. I am forever grateful for that. Never stop being snuggly, never stop holding hands with those you love. And never stop telling them how you feel, good or bad because your voice is your strength. It will get you in trouble, but it will also get you out of trouble.
Natalie, at this point, all I know is how much I love you. I love how curious and independent you are. You have so far to go in life and I really hope to be around to see it. No matter what- we all love you, especially daddy, even though sometimes it seems like he doesn't. You are just a more sensitive soul than he's used to. That isn't a bad thing. I know you will grow into a wonderful woman- just like your sisters will.
Baby girl Quattro. Oh baby girl, I can not wait to meet you. I can't wait to hold you close and watch you grow. I look forward to seeing who you look like in our families. I am glad that we are having you, even though I am not enjoying being pregnant with you. You will complete our family in a way that we never thought about when we started this family-journey so long ago. Your big sisters are all excited to meet you as well.