After my post the other day, I am feeling better. I feel less likely to die in the night and have actually had a few nights of decent sleep.
I am so tired of bloody boogers/stuffy noses. My nose is raw from this and I know nothing is going to change that until the birth of Quattro.
Lately I've been thinking back to the few weeks before and after Natalie's birth. That was a really rough time for me (especially after her birth). I recall feeling so out of control. I recall being scared that there was something wrong with me. I needed so much help and didn't really have any.
So now I am terrified that this time will be like that, only worse because I have a two-year-old to care for as well. I can't really spend all day sleeping. I may not even get to sit in the chair and just hold her like I have with my others. I want to do that, to snuggle her for 20 hours a day for the first few weeks (subtracting an occasional shower AND you know bathroom breaks).
I wonder what she'll be like. Who will she look like? What is her name? I mean I have a name that I am pretty sure we'll use and I've been calling her that since we found out she was, in fact, a she. Mostly because that is what Natalie calls her and I find it really sweet. I think she will be a great big sister. I look forward to seeing them play together.
My emotions are all over the place. I am so happy about this baby, but I am also scared of how our family will change. I am excited about the birth but also worried because I am going to deliver in the hospital this time and that worries me a little. I know how it works, I know that this is the best thing for US both this time. I look forward to that little bit of time to get to know Quattro before we come home to our family. And I worry that Will won't be here because he has Army duty for the first 2 weeks of June. Of course my babies have all baked until after their guess dates, so really that shouldn't worry me, but it does.
And I want to start nesting. I haven't felt it yet. I mean I do small projects and clean strange things but I want that sudden "The house needs to be cleaned. right. now!" feeling. I love that. I also need to gather my baby clothes/items and see what I need still. I am buying a car seat from a friend, I have plenty of prefolds though I could use a few new covers. I am sure she'll be in onesies only for the first month or so, since it is the hottest time of the year here. I also have a few nice swaddling blankets for her. And of course I am knitting her some sweaters for when she is bigger.
What else? My breast will feed her, my arms will hold her. I have a new wrap to carry her when I need to, and my slings from my others. Really babies don't need much.