I feel like crying.
So I finally found a homebirth midwife and although I wasn't impressed with her the moment i met her, I thought I would give her a chance. So I went to my second appointment and she had me drink strawberry nectar for a glucose check, then I had to hang out for an hour.
With Pam this wouldn't have been an issue at all. I could have easily hung out with her all day. I love that woman. However after the 5 minutes they spent on prenatals (blood pressure, baby's heart, fundal size) I sat there, while the midwife and her two apprentices chatted next to me. I felt left out, and it wasn't better than the OB I'd been seeing. I tried to join in the conversation, because, frankly I was bored, but they didn't really even look at me. They discussed things I felt they shouldn't have been talking about with me in the room. And then the midwife said that a couple wasn't going to be using their services any more and then made a comment about what are they going to do now? Go to the hospital (shock, stunned looks from the students). This was the same attitude that the OB had- only opposite. Like giving birth in a hospital is the end of the road, the worst possible outcome.
And from what I understand this midwife rarely transfers for any reason, even when she should, or at least when the mom feels that she should have.
I wanted the relationship I have with Pam, the easy chatting, the desire and excitement to go to my appointments. Knowing that for a full hour I would have time to talk to her and that she would make me laugh- no matter how crappy I felt. She was awesome that way.
So I am left feeling unhappy, I don't really want this woman to catch my baby, I don't think she is the right fit for me. But I am terrible at firing people. That is part of why I've continued to see the OB, but also because I just didn't know what I want to do.
Last night thinking about this had me up until way late. I need to figure out how to tell the midwife that I am not comfortable with her. I need to "grow a pair" and just get it over with. I am unhappy with my service, I won't be happy with it. I'm not going to grow to like her, especially since she doesn't seem interested in getting to know her clients. I also need to call the OB and reschedule my appointment there because I just noticed that they have me seeing the doctor I do NOT like at all. I don't mind the other one much.
And I need to realize that baby girl will come and her birth will happen and no matter how the birth goes- I will have a sweet little one to love on afterwards.
Or maybe if our house still hasn't sold by June, I will go live there, alone with nothing until baby comes and beg my old midwife to catch her. (This has been an ongoing joke since we still have that stupid house hanging over our heads.)