Once again I am struggling with emotions and feelings that are far to big to hold in. Once again I feel a huge weight pressing down on me. Like the world is crashing all around me and no one notices but me.
I feel like an awful person.
I feel like hiding away until this feeling passes. But I have no where to go. I don't even have anyone to really talk to about it.
Will doesn't understand feeling depressed. He doesn't get that it isn't something I choose to feel. I don't think he wants to understand.
I fear for my kids-- what if they get this way when they are older? What if they suffer from depression that is worse than mine? I've never felt truly suicidal. Of course as a teen I imagined how everyone would be better without me. But it wasn't death I wanted- more to just disappear from this life. Maybe finding myself in a different one.
And I don't want to leave this life- but I worry that I am messing my kids up big time because I am just so sad all of the time. I struggle to make myself clean up even the smallest messes. Because of this our house is a mess. And I can't seem to get myself to fix it. I try to get out of the house and away every day because I feel sort of normal when I leave. I can pretend for a little while that I am not such a huge mess inside.
I had a doctor's appointment on Friday. I need to talk to him about this. I need to know that someone hears me. Because right now- I feel like no one does.
I posted about these feelings on a birth club I am in, and the mamas keep telling me it is hormones. My hormones are so out of whack right now. That is probably true, considering when I was pregnant with Rhayn I actually broke up with Will (before I knew I was pregnant mind you) and was a mess the whole time. I don't remember feeling like this with Gwen, though. I think I had a lot more support in the birth circles I was going to, and with my midwife.