She is nearly 15 months old, yet I feel a sort of unease about my pregnancy and her birth and even the time after her birth.
I read somewhere that it often takes a year to process a birth. Well I am fully passed that point. and I am still "feeling" my way through the issues I had/have with it.
There are a few reasons. Mostly it just didn't go as I wanted. And I am envious of some things that I didn't have but others have had. Namely- a blessingway/baby shower and food brought to me/us by the loving parents in the class Rhayn had been attending for 5 years at that point. I'd seen a few mamas have babies, the families brought food to them after the birth, soon after. While I did have food it was weeks after her birth. WEEKS. I was ok to cook by then. The damage was done. (Yes our good friend A brought us food the day Natalie was born, and I was so grateful for that.)
As for the blessingway/ baby shower, well my envious head popped out a few weeks ago as I attended the baby shower of my sister in law for her 3rd baby, I was happy for her, it was fun to buy those little girl things since she has two boys already, and I wasn't upset AT her, just let down. I had gotten rid of my baby things years before that, too. I could have used that time and celebration of me and my family. I didn't want to plan my own, and no one offered to plan one for me (well my friend Amanda did, but that was really early in my pregnancy and it never fame to fruition.) I suppose there is a part of me that will always be hurt because of this.
The day she was born, my family was there, the birth itself was... fine. But that day I was left alone. I could barely move because I hurt so much. I was hungry, and for hours and hours no one paid attention to me. It hurt.