Will it ever go away?

She is nearly 15 months old, yet I feel a sort of unease about my pregnancy and her birth and even the time after her birth.

I read somewhere that it often takes a year to process a birth. Well I am fully passed that point. and I am still "feeling" my way through the issues I had/have with it.

Why? She was healthy and I am healthy. There was no lasting physical damage from the issues I had during her pregnancy and birth. So why do I feel sad about it?

There are a few reasons. Mostly it just didn't go as I wanted. And I am envious of some things that I didn't have but others have had. Namely- a blessingway/baby shower and food brought to me/us by the loving parents in the class Rhayn had been attending for 5 years at that point. I'd seen a few mamas have babies, the families brought food to them after the birth, soon after. While I did have food it was weeks after her birth. WEEKS. I was ok to cook by then. The damage was done. (Yes our good friend A brought us food the day Natalie was born, and I was so grateful for that.)

As for the blessingway/ baby shower, well my envious head popped out a few weeks ago as I attended the baby shower of my sister in law for her 3rd baby, I was happy for her, it was fun to buy those little girl things since she has two boys already, and I wasn't upset AT her, just let down. I had gotten rid of my baby things years before that, too. I could have used that time and celebration of me and my family. I didn't want to plan my own, and no one offered to plan one for me (well my friend Amanda did, but that was really early in my pregnancy and it never fame to fruition.) I suppose there is a part of me that will always be hurt because of this.

The day she was born, my family was there, the birth itself was... fine. But that day I was left alone. I could barely move because I hurt so much. I was hungry, and for hours and hours no one paid attention to me. It hurt.

And here I am... over a year later, still waiting to stop feeling this way. I look at my beautiful little girl, with the brown eyes that I wanted for them all, and I love her unconditionally, but darn it, I still feel sad.


HomegrownTexan said...

I completely understand. I always wanted a natural childbirth. Hell, a non-c-section would have been nice. Michael was born c-section because he was breech, and then Nathan was born premature, by emergency c-section. I have always felt cheated out of getting a chance to even *try* to have a natural childbirth, at home, the way I wanted. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way, because we are all happy and healthy, and I know things could have turned out so much worse. I feel a little bit better about it now, because I've gotten to the point where I really feel ready to be done having children. But, I still feel sad that I never had that opportunity, and it took years for me not to feel as at peace with it as I do now. I don't really have any words of advice to offer, but I *do* understand.

HomegrownTexan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tif-do said...

I hope for you that some of that sadness will dull over time. I hope you can find a peace with it.

Lydia said...

I absolutely know what you mean. Last year my parents decided to go on a trip out of town on my due date and offered to take my girls. I really didn't want my kids leaving, but I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place - if I didn't send the kids, who would watch them right after the birth, etc? If I did, they would miss seeing their first sibling. I tried to tell my mom after the fact that it really bothered me that they randomly decided to take a trip when I was due with a baby. It wasn't well received and she thought I was being selfish. It still hurts. <3

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