Last night I had a total meltdown. I mean a laying on the bathroom floor bawling for twenty minutes, feeling like a huge failure-type meltdown.
It. Was. Not. Fun.
I finally calmed down enough to write in my journal and try to make some sense of why I felt like a failure.
1. My house is a total mess, there is not a single clean room in it. Its not awful, I mean its nothing like these houses, but its enough to make me feel anxious.
2. My Christmas to-do list is long and the only things checked off are "put up tree" and "mail Christmas cards."
3. Rhayn is in need of help at school. I don't have enough patience to homeschool her, we think she would benefit from more one on one. I feel like I have totally failed at making sure she is doing well. I somehow have missed how far behind she really is. She also feels sad at school, and doesn't feel like she has any friends. (How is this my fault? I don't know, but my brain thinks it is somehow.) Will is working with her, and he is doing a much better job at it than I ever do. It makes me wish I could somehow make the money to support our home so he could take time off to homeschool her. I know he would be good at it.
4. Gwennie doesn't like me anymore. She tells me pretty regularly that she wants to live with her cousin, Madder. She thinks they can combine their toys and it will be awesome. She has also been a pain to get to bed at night. It involves a lot of yelling and even if I put her to bed at 7 she falls asleep at 9. Most of the time in the morning she is a MESS and doesn't want to get out of bed. This causes me to start yelling at her very early, which just makes the whole day suck.
5. Will is stressed, not that this is anything new, it just means that he isn't handling my freak outs at all. Which means we're not really getting along, because I am such a mess all. of. the. time.
6. Evenings are hard. Instead of enjoying some family time at night (and by night I mean 5pm-ish) I want to be alone in my room with a book. Or maybe asleep. Every night I feel like this. I think that the difficulty I am having getting Gwennie to bed at night is adding to the hard evenings. I had my "morning sickness" in the evenings and was going to bed very early and I still feel done at night.
7. I still think about Penny all of the time. I wish we could have been her forever home and it makes me wonder how getting rid of her really affected the girls. (Maybe part of Gwennie's issues?) But its done and I will never know exactly what happened to her. I worry that because of my feelings about Penny I am spoiling Lily (ok, I KNOW I am) and I wonder if that might be a bad thing.
8. I don't know what to get the girls for Christmas. I SHOULD be done shopping by now... but I really don't even have a frickin' frackin' clue what to get them. I also don't think Will and I are exchanging gifts, which is fine. But it also makes me a little sad. I want to give him something awesome, but we don't need anything.
9. My father-in-law is visiting. I feel like a b-word because I don't want him to be here. The girls are loving his visit, and I feel resentful and mean.
10. This baby will be here before we know it.... and I am so not ready. What was I thinking adding another person to our family?! I mean seriously I am an awful mother to the children I already have, what made me think I deserved another person to love?
I could go on and on, I am trying really hard to see some bright side, something positive, but at this moment, its not happening.