Last night I had a total meltdown. I mean a laying on the bathroom floor bawling for twenty minutes, feeling like a huge failure-type meltdown.
It. Was. Not. Fun.
I finally calmed down enough to write in my journal and try to make some sense of why I felt like a failure.
1. My house is a total mess, there is not a single clean room in it. Its not awful, I mean its nothing like these houses, but its enough to make me feel anxious.
2. My Christmas to-do list is long and the only things checked off are "put up tree" and "mail Christmas cards."
3. Rhayn is in need of help at school. I don't have enough patience to homeschool her, we think she would benefit from more one on one. I feel like I have totally failed at making sure she is doing well. I somehow have missed how far behind she really is. She also feels sad at school, and doesn't feel like she has any friends. (How is this my fault? I don't know, but my brain thinks it is somehow.) Will is working with her, and he is doing a much better job at it than I ever do. It makes me wish I could somehow make the money to support our home so he could take time off to homeschool her. I know he would be good at it.
4. Gwennie doesn't like me anymore. She tells me pretty regularly that she wants to live with her cousin, Madder. She thinks they can combine their toys and it will be awesome. She has also been a pain to get to bed at night. It involves a lot of yelling and even if I put her to bed at 7 she falls asleep at 9. Most of the time in the morning she is a MESS and doesn't want to get out of bed. This causes me to start yelling at her very early, which just makes the whole day suck.
5. Will is stressed, not that this is anything new, it just means that he isn't handling my freak outs at all. Which means we're not really getting along, because I am such a mess all. of. the. time.
6. Evenings are hard. Instead of enjoying some family time at night (and by night I mean 5pm-ish) I want to be alone in my room with a book. Or maybe asleep. Every night I feel like this. I think that the difficulty I am having getting Gwennie to bed at night is adding to the hard evenings. I had my "morning sickness" in the evenings and was going to bed very early and I still feel done at night.
7. I still think about Penny all of the time. I wish we could have been her forever home and it makes me wonder how getting rid of her really affected the girls. (Maybe part of Gwennie's issues?) But its done and I will never know exactly what happened to her. I worry that because of my feelings about Penny I am spoiling Lily (ok, I KNOW I am) and I wonder if that might be a bad thing.
8. I don't know what to get the girls for Christmas. I SHOULD be done shopping by now... but I really don't even have a frickin' frackin' clue what to get them. I also don't think Will and I are exchanging gifts, which is fine. But it also makes me a little sad. I want to give him something awesome, but we don't need anything.
9. My father-in-law is visiting. I feel like a b-word because I don't want him to be here. The girls are loving his visit, and I feel resentful and mean.
10. This baby will be here before we know it.... and I am so not ready. What was I thinking adding another person to our family?! I mean seriously I am an awful mother to the children I already have, what made me think I deserved another person to love?
I could go on and on, I am trying really hard to see some bright side, something positive, but at this moment, its not happening.
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7 comments:
If you weren't pregnant I would take you out for a bottle of wine. Since you are and I live here I'm going to tell you that you need chocolate, a moment to breath and time for yourself. You are SO far from a failure, hello?!?!? How can one person be superwoman? Last time I checked you don't have a cape. Some people aren't meant to be teacher, myself included, that's why there are tutors. (FYI - I bet Charles's mom would help if you need her.) And Will is a total book/school nerd - he's perfect to be her helper! Gwennie's just being a big old nerd. I bet she wouldn't truly love living with her cousin either, because they have rules just like you do. And your kids think you're super awesome, you could make them a ball of fluff and they'd love it. I've never met more appreciative or creative kids. AND you're bringing this baby into a kick butt loving family. You don't need a million dollars or fancy things, just love. My Grandma Gladys says she had to put a baby or two in a drawer(removed from the dresser) at one point in her life and they all turned out pretty darn good. Gift idea for Will - you may think this is nerdy, but when Charles and I aren't buying each other anything I write him things. I started a book listing the things I love about him. My goal was to continue adding to it, but it's in the storage unit. :) I guess I'm saying sometimes expressing your love doesn't have to be in a fancy package, simply putting down into words all the reasons you love him goes a long way.
So pick up your chocolate, brush yourself off, tell your house to piss off and celebrate the rockstar that you are!
And sorry I wrote a book. :)
Joe and I rarely exchange christmas gifts (mostly due to money) When i does happen we try to make a challenge of it. Give each other a mini budget ($5) and see how creative we can be. or this year I am having Joe make an actual list of all price ranges....loses the element of surprise but at least we will both get something we want. have your kids written a letter to santa yet? elaborate on that. or maybe the whole family can give for christmas...adopt a family or cause and find gifts for that family instead of giving too much to each other. (give the girls the gift of giving)....i dunno christmas is so hard and it really shouldn't be..
Ummm, what Cornfed Princess said! You are soooo not a failure. Really? I set my bar by you in so many ways and I do NOT find myself measuring up. I would love to be the crafty, cooking diva of fun you are. Gwennie is likely having a little anxiety over what her position will be with a new baby coming into the picture. SHE was the baby and is likely thinking, what do you mean there is going to be a new baby?!? Even though she's excited, she's nervous too. And once she was at M's, and the reality of rules existing and applying there too - she would so want to be home. Actually, it wouldn't take long before she wanted to be home. And don't beat yourself up about Rhayn...you can't always know - and how much info has her teacher given you, really, that was a true picture of her struggle? Would she be able to use L's tutor? Or can the school help more with Heather seeing her? There ARE options - you do NOT have to be EVERYTHING. Is your name Sybil?? You only have so many things you can be and do and be talented in. This is one of those areas it's ok for someone else to be strong in. That's why we're not all teachers, computer geeks, etc. You are an awesome mom and your kids love you! And it's totally normal for kids to have an affinity for one more than the other and often? It changes as they get older - sometimes many times. Your turn will come back around... Just hold in there, ride your prenancy hormone wave, and eat the chocolate when you need it - as much as you want! This new baby is ever-so-lucky to have you. :)
Gwennie is just going through a stage, I promise. Katie went through it when I was pregnant with Dougie. It will get better.
And Your house doesn't always have to be spotless. I learned that the hard way.
Homeschooling would be good but bad also. I looked into it and tried before school started and it just didn't work. It is much easier to be a parent then a teacher.
And that baby so deserves you and you all deserve it!
Aww we ALL have those moments, believe me!! You get the extra stress of added hormones and no energy in which to take care of anything. I hope it will pass soon and you'll get into a high-lets-get-ready-for-baby-gear and things will just fall into place. But you know what, even if you don't? In a couple of months, you'll have a new baby to love out of it all, and tho that adds challenges in itself, I know you'll be so grateful for this little spirit you prayed here. *hugs*
I'm sorry your having a tough time. It looks like you've gotten a lot of really great supportive advice so here's mine...
Read, take a nice bath every night, let the rest go.
Pregnancy makes me crazy. I have big ass bawling fights with my husband. I am a terrible mom (actually dumped a glass of water on Ava's head, more than once when I was pregnant with Cyrus) Just keep trying to love everyone (especially yourself) everyday and figure the rest of it out after your done with the postpartum.
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