dreams, TMI and emotions

Its almost 2 pm, on the first day of school. I have been sitting about or laying down all day. I feel awful. Also I had terrible dreams last night which have stuck with me all day.

In the one right before I woke up Will and I had to pull Penny's dew claw off, so she was limping. Then I put the dogs outside. When I went to let them back in only one dog was there and the gate was open. Iran to the gate to see Penny trying to make it to the gate. She'd been shot across her back, and there was another dead dog not too far off. I ran in the house, carrying her, trying to find a number to call, where to take her. The girls were in the kitchen making lunch for the first day back to school and I had to figure out how to get Penny to the vet (before she died) and Rhayn to school.

I woke up at that point and ran downstairs (trying not to puke) to check the dogs. The dream was just so vividly real. I hate the freaky pregnant dreams. Ugh. I hugged Penny, told her she was a good dog and gave her some turkey.

Then I took a shower and puked on myself. Nice.

Also today I have had the most painful gas and diarrhea on top of that, which is irritating the hemorrhoids that always plague me. This has caused a little bit of anal bleeding (normal with the 'roids) but when I wiped and saw bright red blood I freaked out about that, too. There is a part of me that is soooo glad this will be our last baby, because there is no way I could do this part again. Also I wonder if we lost this baby if I would want to do this again. I mean the morning sickness has been so bad this time that there were times, recently I wished I wasn't pregnant. (That was hard to write because I wanted this baby so badly, but this illness? I am glad that once its over the blinders come on and you forget. how. bad. it. was.) I want to sleep the whole night without waking up to pee 3 times. I want to eat a whole meal without feeling sick. I want to go more than an hour without eating.

I wrote yesterday about tears bubbling up, today I feel like I've been crying all day. My head has that crying fog feeling. That is totally not helping me.

Oh, and I can no longer eat watermelon. Boo. (Maybe red foods in general are bad? Or this baby doesn't like them.) Did you notice the pregnancy ticker baby now actually looks like a baby? So cool.


Mo said...

Don't ever underestimate how comletely awful physical illness can make you feel! It doesn't matter that there is a lovely reason for it, you just feel bad and that is totally O.K. I remember the exact same thing and I too had been desperate to be pregnant. Keep saying this mantra to yourself, "This too shall pass", it will pass Leaner, honestly, I promise it will!
Big hugs. xx

Amie said...

You poor thing! I honestly can't even commiserate because I experienced nothing like you are. I just feel for you. It's just temporary, you are a strong woman and you WILL handle this!! All I can hope is that time passes quickly for you!

Amanda said...

You are right on about the forgetting parts. I remember thinking very bad things in my first trimester, I remember talking about feeling sick, but all that sick is so gone from memory.

Hang in there! "this too shall pass" is an excellent mantra!

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