20091118

Choices

Every marriage has ups and downs, ours is no exception. Since we met, we have had a fair share of these humps. When we first moved into this house the bills were more than we had budgeted and our finances were not enough to cover them. I had to get a job to help out. Then Will changed jobs and that particular job was a soul sucking hole. He became really depressed, and this was compounded by him going to basic training, then attending Officer Candidate School (OCS) and getting his masters degree at the same time.

We were living different lives, and barely saw each other. Our sex life was gone, we were not talking or doing anything together. It wasn’t good. I stood by, and hoped that it should get better, we had to make it through the schools. We did, and things seemed to improve. He got a new job, which helped a little.

He went to some army schools, and after one came home and told me that we had nothing in common. I can’t remember exactly how he stated it, but to me it felt like he said that he didn’t respect anything I did, and that it seemed all I cared about was handwork (knitting and embroidery) and to him those things didn’t matter. It felt like being told that everything you do is a waste of time.

When he got his orders to be deployed, we emotionally separated long before he left. It felt like we were roommates. I buried myself in books and television, he lost himself in World of Warcraft. We didn’t connect ever. I spent my time wanting to hold on to him but not being able to communicate that, while he disengaged from our family. He was away at schools for months before he deployed, but would be home for short periods between the schools. We pretended happiness in front of the kids, but it was fake. I was ready to give up, our marriage appeared to be over. But I knew I had a year to think about it. I didn’t want to make a rash decision before he left.

While he was gone, I thought, I made charts, I wrote pro/con lists aplenty some on paper some in my head. When he was quiet and didn’t email much, it went in the con list. When he called and told me that he loved me, it was another notch on the pro side. I went through our entire courtship. Including the time I was pregnant with Rhayn and we weren’t together and what made me be there. I remembered all of the things he had said that hurt me. But I also thought about the good times. I considered how it would be if we split, and tried to envision him with someone else. I imagined our future if we stayed together.

I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I love him, even through the pain. I vowed to give it a little more time. I became excited for him to come home and to start our new life together.
When he came home he had changed so much. That may sound bad, but it wasn’t. He had new perspective and realized that family matters more than so many of the other things. He no longer played World of Warcraft, he doesn’t come home and immediately turn on the television. He has started getting rid of possessions because they don’t matter, thus cleaning out some of the clutter that he has held onto since before we met. Most importantly he has taken an active role in our children’s’ education and taken a little of the pressure off of me.

And in an instant, my mind was made up. Many of the things that he had done that drove me bonkers are gone. He has changed for the better, and I hope that he feels the same way about me. His new attitude makes me strive to be so much better than I was. He has always made me want to be a better person, but now I want to be a better me, and although that sounds similar it’s not.

This weekend while we were together, just the two of us, while we listened to someone talk about communication, I fell in love with my husband all over again. Since he has been home, there have been ups and downs. We’ve had miscommunications of course. But no matter what my conclusion is that I am more committed to our relationship, our family, us and I look forward to our future.

*It may seem like I am not taking responsibility for the problems we had, believe me, I know that I was a part of all of them. I admit to being a mess, too. I am a full partner in this, good or bad.

6 comments:

tif-do said...

I soooo appreciate your honesty about your life. Marriage is hard, but too many of us keep that part hidden from the world, even though we've/I've felt many a time, why am I doing this again? In the happily ever after crap they don't tell you how much work it all is. But it's worth the work, I think!

leaner said...

It is fully worth all the effort.

We watched clips of the movie "The Story of Us" last weekend, have you seen it? The clips we saw were really good. I plan on watching the whole movie. The last scene was exactly what I feel.

purplelurple said...

Thank you for being so open with all of us.
We all have our ups and downs, But it is good that you guys are able to start working on it more now that he is home and be able to talk about it. Sometimes when we keep it all in is what makes it hurt the most and makes us feel worse.
I am so glad you are my sis in law and you can show us all how to be more open and couragous with every thing.
thank you.

Cornfed Princess said...

I grew up watching my parents live a truly wonderful love story and it was a real one with ups & downs. Marriage is the hardest & most rewarding job I've ever had. I'm proud of both of you!

Amie said...

I appreciate you sharing such personal thoughts with us. This journal and your commenters are your own kind of therapy to be sure. I'm so happy for you that you were able to get away and reconnect and of course thrilled that you're seeing obvious signs of change between you both. BEST OF LUCK!!

bodaat said...

what a wonderful post. :)

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