Sailing in a Sea of Emotions

Today Rhayn was such an angel. Seriously. I don't know what it was, maybe it was that we were not home. I watched a friend's child for her and we spent a good portion of the day at her house. Maybe it was that Rhayn only had a half day, but that hasn't always been the case in the past. Maybe she actually had enough sleep last night. I know she doesn't know that her daddy will be on the airplane flying over the ocean in the next twenty-four hours. If she did, would it change her attitude?

Today reminded me of how good she can be, how wonderful of a person she is. And it made me worry that maybe part of her problem is me and my attitude. I know that there are days that I am a horrible person to be around. If Will were here and I needed a break, I would take one without a second thought (alright, I rarely take them, and I think about it- a lot.) I would feel comfortable with leaving them. I know that I should feel that way with the people around me. Many of them have offered to watch the girls so that I can have some "me time". Do I take them up on it? No. I have Gwennie at child care and that is hard enough. I feel like I need to smother my children with my affection and time because they are missing out on their father's affection. However, my 100% of the time affection isn't as good as it could be IF I were rested and sane. Not that I am saying that I have lost my mind- I am just saying that being a single parent- the one solely responsible for raising your children (for any amount of time) can be exhausting and emotionally draining. I am at that point.

I rely on him more than I thought. Even though I have always thought of myself as an independent person, I rely on him. It is hard for me to ask for help from others. It makes my heart race (and not in a good way) when I have to ask for help. I know, I had to have a little help today, from someone I didn't even know. That was hard, but necessary. (Whoo hoo! I spelled that word right on the first try! yeah!) I never realized that I had such a hard time asking for help. I know that if I truly need it, I can. This deployment is a lesson in humility for me, teaching me how to allow others to do for me and my family. And it is a lesson that apparently I need.

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