Lately I haven't been writing simply because I am terrified to write what I need to. Will leaves tomorrow morning and I feel anxious. I felt like as soon as I wrote it on here, it would be true. Like until I recorded it for prosperity it was some distant time and place and I could ignore that it was coming (haha, good coping skill, huh?)
There is no way to deny or ignore it any longer. And the stress and anxiety from it is making Will and I fight, a lot. It is so hard to cling to someone you know will be gone in a day. It is difficult to make myself be happy and joyful when I feel like I am breaking inside.
Last night we went out, and what normally would have been a fun evening out, was tense and uncomfortable. I said something that made him angry early on in the evening, and so we sat side by side barely talking. There was no laughter, no joking, nothing. The movie was alright (we saw the Dark Knight.) The food was decent (we ate at PF Chang's.) But the atmosphere was miserable and it might have been better to be at home. I was so grateful to Gwennie's sitter to offer to watch the girls. I was so excited about going out, and then all night the biggest thought in my head was "He leaves in two days, what do I say to him?" And since that thought took over my mind, I wasn't able to say anything of substance.
I have been teary-eyed all morning. I was having a hard time holding it together in my Spanish class. I am glad I don't have to try to hold myself together after he leaves tomorrow.
Since there is nothing I can really do to stop this feeling, and nothing I need to have done, I am wallowing in it a little. It is difficult to pull myself out of the sludge and act like the happy, loving wife.
We went and had family pictures taken this week. I really wanted to take a few with Will in uniform (he looks hot in it). But he didn't want to. I think I will make him when he comes home for R and R. (Whenever that is.) We have spent time together as a family. We had a little party for him on Monday with my family (minus a few.) Last week it seemed like we had so much time. But now? With his actual leaving dawning, I feel overwhelmed with emotions.
Rhayn has been acting out, too. I know the cause has to be this deployment. It has to be Daddy leaving, and going to war. Because she knows that much. She may not understand how long he will be gone. On the other hand she may, because we have told her that he will be gone for Christmas, and her birthday and all summer and a little longer than that. But it has to be hard for a seven year old to understand how long that actually is. Will took her out to eat Monday morning, and tried to talk to her. She didn't say much. But really what can you expect a seven year old to say about their feelings? She may not know how to express what she feels, or maybe she doesn't understand why she feels this way. Her attitude makes it hard to be positive and I feel like I spend a good portion of my time yelling at her, even though I know that isn't what she needs.
I hope to have a few good pictures of Will tomorrow. His goodbye ceremony is at 7 am and that in itself makes me nervous. I will have to get myself and the girls up at 5 to be there on time I think. He has to report for duty at 0500. I just wish we could at least drive to the base together. In a way, I think I will feel better tomorrow, after the ceremony is over. But then I remember this day and I know it will be a few days/weeks before I start to feel like myself again.