Dark Feelings

I feel like the world is out to get me today. I pissed off a friend via email, because I said something jokingly and they thought I was serious (we worked it out). Then there is this discussion in a group about a Christmas exchange. Now I have been in groups and done exchanges, so I made a comment about having a questionnaire- you know simple questions- favorite color, least favorite color, maybe even favorite animal. Or possibly doing an ornament exchange, which I like. (Another thing that could be on the questionnaire?) Well, the response was not favorable for either idea. I know it wasn't a personal attack on me, but it felt like it was. I know I need to just back away from the group, and calm down, let myself breathe. These are awesome women and so supportive usually. Normally everything said in the group has made me feel welcome and cared about.

So why does this one stab me so hard? I think it is a little because the mere thought of Christmas makes me anxious. I don't want to miss out on something that could be fun, but then I realize that Will is gone, he won't be home for the holidays and I am alone. Sure, my family is around and they will help me all that they can, but damn I am still alone. I know there are people who understand this feeling. I just don't personally know any of them. Right now I just want to bury my head in my pillow, cry, and hide for a few days.

I hope I wake up feeling better tomorrow, or Gwennie and my zoo trip will be no fun at all. (Did I mention also that Gwennie will be three on Monday? Yeah, that has me down a little, too.)


HomeSlice said...

yikes H, i saw the same thread you did but didn't take it that way. at all. i think a questionnaire is a good idea. i know that i for one was not poking fun or being sarcastic at your idea - more at the people who had responded. truly. i don't think anyone thought it was a dumb idea.

additionally, i had just said to jess that not everyone knew each other as well as others and that it would be a good idea to do something like that. so yeah, take a deep breath. i still love you - and never thought twice about what you posted! hope tomorrow is better.

Sara said...

You have every right to feel a little down. I am fairly certain I would be too in your situation. Hope you are feeling better soon.

bodaat said...

Hi leaner, Is there perhaps a support group that you could find? Maybe a friend can go with you the first couple of times so that it's not so awkward. I'm sure that there is somebody else out there feeling the same way as you. It might be comforting/relieving to meet that person. Although I haven't met you, I'm sending you a big warm hug.

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