I think that I am a little depressed.
I am not sure if it has to do with my looming birthday, the holiday season that just swooped down on me (no warning, I swear it was just Halloween last night!) Or maybe the heat wave we are still in. I want it to be cooler than it is. I am so ready to move my butt out of here just to see a little bit of a season. But then there are things about here that I love (family.)
This birthday is a big one, and I am not dreading it, really. What I am dreading is the actual day. I still get excited about a birthday. Like when you are a kid, the anticipation, the excitement, the not knowing. Well, that is fine and dandy when you are ten, but when you multiply that by three, and realize you are the Mom, not the kid, you get a totally different anticipation, more akin to anxiety.
While I am on the subject of anxiety, I have been feeling a large amount of that lately. It is like this giant lead pillow on me, and I can’t get away from it. Every once in a while, I will get part of it off of me, but it slips back on me so easily. I feel hunched, squashed, muted. Instead of feeling tall, and standing up straight, right now I am hunched over and my muscles ache from it. I can feel the stress in my entire body, making me hurt in more ways than physical.
I wrote that a few days ago, and am feeling better. However I wanted to post it in case someone else felt that way, and had any insight. I had planned on getting out of the house today, possibly going to the zoo with Hairball. But from the looks of my two girls, both who are still lying about like sickies, I will be staying home. I guess I could shampoo the carpet, after the vomit-fest yesterday it really could use it (before Thanksgiving.) I am also sure this won’t be my only post today. When I am lonely, and feel chatty, I seem to post more often.