Horrible, dreadful, awful...

Do you ever have one of those drams? The ones you wake up from and just can't shake a feeling of dread all day? I had one last night.

In my dream Gwennie and Rhayn were in a car accident and died. Their ghosts kept following me around, and no one believed me that they were dead. I couldn't hold them, and they couldn't touch me, but everyone else could touch them. We were at a store and ran into someone from Rhayn's school. She asked me if I was going to help set up handwork group this year. I looked at her and said "But Rhayn's dead." She said, " No, she is right behind you" and she grabbed her hand and held it.

I tried to tell Will about it. But he said "I had a dream that I died in a plane crash." It seemed that he didn't even hear me, or the feeling I was trying to portray.

After that, I took Lily, I mean I attempted to take Lily, for a walk. I kept tearing up, and she was being hard to manage. So after ten minutes we went home. I took out our trash bin, and Lily pushed on the gate that I thought I had shut behind me. She ran out into the street, and "played." I kept calling, "Lily, come!" trying to entice her to me, to no avail. I finally had her, and brought her in.

We had a glass vase, with blue marbles in it, in our bathroom. Apparently last night Beckham (and I know it was him) knocked it off and it shattered in the bathroom. I went to clean it up, but asked Will to do it. You see we had dropped our truck off at the shop yesterday to get a tune up and new tires put on, so today I was supposed to take him to work and try to hang out in the area until it was done. So I was trying to get ready quickly. He on the other hand sat on his butt watching the news and drinking coffee leisurely (I hadn't even had a cup yet.)

I ran upstairs to take a quick shower and get dressed. I picked two dresses for Gwennie (she likes to choose.) Then went back down to dress her. I was almost ready to go, I was pouring my coffee, and Will comes out of the restroom telling me that we need to do a thorough top to bottom house cleaning (code for you are not cleaning the house well enough.) Then he asks me if there is anything we have that will get water spots off of out slate tiles.

At this point, I ask him if he could wait to yell at me until I at least finished pouring my coffee. He grabbed his stuff and walked into the garage. I assumed he was just putting it out there, but I heard the garage door open and the car start. I ran out and asked him what was going on, he says "I am just trying to get to work." So I asked reminded him of our plan, and he tells me to hurry, I try to tell him that is what I have been doing. But I say it a little less than nicely. He says "I am just going to work." And leaves.

I go inside and kick our garage door (it is a metal security door) and sit on the floor, crying. I put the dog out, because I couldn't take anything at that moment. Now its been about 30 minutes, I feel awful. I still feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat (and I hardly ever cry.) My foot is throbbing when I try to walk, and aching when I sit here. I may have broken it, really its never hurt like this before.

I want to go back to bed and start the whole day over. Ok, the whole night, too, I should have gone to bed when Will fell asleep at 7:30. I want to avoid the dream that put me in this dreadful mood. I want to lay in bed and hug Will and not get up feeling like the world is against me. I want to stop crying for whatever stupid reason. I am hoping that since Gwennie woke up at 6 with us, that she will take a nap and maybe I will get to as well. Most of all, I want my foot to stop hurting!


Amie said...

Oh I hate those dreams!! I totally know how you feel! I would suggest just taking a minute (no matter how small) to yourself, get yourself centered, say a little prayer, and go hug your babies. Hug them and smooch them! Maybe later you can address Will in better spirits and let him know how his comments hurt you when you'd had such a frustrating morning. So sorry!

Alex's Human said...

Sounds like you should have kicked him instead of the door :) (sort of kidding)...

Feeling so very bad for you having such a rough morning. Hope it's gotten better.. Sending you big happy thoughts!!

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