Mama Says Om: Life

Once upon a time, not that long ago, there was a Girl. She wasn’t the happiest person in the world. Often she felt like the entire world was out to get her, and nothing went the way she wanted. She sought nothing more than to be exactly what she thought was expected of her. She was not a rule breaker in any way.
So she went along, acting happy, playing the game that she felt was expected of her, by her friends, or by her family. She was not really sure of her own position or opinions. Sometimes she even wondered if maybe every feeling and thought she had was really something her parents or friends had said. In her mind was there really a free-thinking person?
As she grew up, and started to experience life, she found her own opinions, sometimes. Other times, she found that the opinion that she had learned as a little girl was what she really did believe.
Time went on, and one day she met a Man. He wasn’t a boy like all the others, He had a plan, he was even attending college. She was sure that he was perfect. After only a short time, they became pregnant. Unfortunately the baby was lost at only seven weeks. It gave her insight to what she really wanted in life, a family. But as time went on, and their relationship grew, her insecurities started to bubble up to the surface. She started to feel like maybe, just maybe he was not as great as she first thought. She felt insulted by so much that he said and did. It was never a direct affront, but she took everything as if it was.
The Girl and Man became engaged. She thought she was happy, she thought he was happy. But alas, it wasn’t to be. She went on a vacation with her family, but before she left, she broke off the engagement; she dropped his ring in his lap, and broke his heart. She was emotional, and not sure why, she just felt out of whack, despondent and lost.
They stayed in touch, as she went on her three week vacation. She called him, and talked to him. She knew she loved him, and planned to try to make it right no matter what when she came home.
The trip dragged on, she started to feel poorly. Her brother also was ill, and the drive home over five states seemed to last for an eternity. By the time she arrived home, she knew what was wrong. Once again there was a baby on the way. Once again she had a chance at that family. Once again it wasn’t going to be the way she thought it would be.
The Man and Girl still talked, but they fought even more, she was afraid to tell him that he would be a daddy, but plucked up the courage and told him only a day after his 22nd birthday. He was not happy, not unhappy either. It was just not a great situation.
Through the entire pregnancy the Girl lived like she had before. She hung out at Denny’s. She stayed out all night, she laughed and joked. She was miserable inside, and acting happy on the outside again. It was familiar territory for the Girl.
One day, she felt different. A pain, a clenching, something not the same. It was time, and her parents rushed her to the hospital to deliver a baby. She thought about calling the Man, instead she had her Mom call her Grandma. She knew he would have wanted to be there, and if they had been on better terms, she would have called. She let her fear run her life.
After the baby was born, a nearly seven pound girl, she had her Mom call the Man. He would come the next day, and the Girl would have time to prepare for him.
When he walked in to the hospital room, she knew she had been wrong. Her feelings for him were strong and she had been silly to think all of those dumb things.
The Girl and Man started to see each other regularly. He wanted to see his daughter, and it worked out great as family time. After only three weeks, they were in a routine, and the Girl and Baby were spending the weekends at the Man’s house. Slowly they bridged the painful rift that the Girl had caused. Slowly they became the family she had once envisioned they would have.
It took years for them to get back to where they had never really been. A happy place, a trusting and loving place.
But even now, the Girl still has times when she feels like he is insulting her. She has moments when she second guesses her opinions, and thoughts. She knows deep down that it is all in her head. She knows that he loves her, and would never hurt her. She still has a ways to go, but she is working towards a goal, a happy, fulfilling life.