No Real Warning

It hits with no warning and I feel like I have been smacked in the stomach with a large stick. There seems no way to make it stop and I only want to lie in bed and cry. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I really felt this way all of the time.

I called my midwife today about depression, yes, it has gotten to that point again. Is it my homework? Was taking this class too much? Well I can’t quit the class even if it is. I would lose Will’s respect. I told him that I was stressed about my homework, and he says “we’ll get you through this.” Right, a few days ago I asked him for help because I am just not grasping the concept of surface area to volume in cells. I have to write a “summarize your learning” essay about it that is at least 4 paragraphs long and ends with an application paragraph, as well as 2 other essays and a lab quiz. I have been struggling all week to have the time and mind set to read my work. See its nighttime and if I attempt to read it right now, its like I am not reading it- its in one eye and out the back of my head. I read for comfort at night, and that is turning out to be a bad thing. I have been trying to work on my essay or lab report. Some of it is done, at least. So now, I am sitting here stressed out on Friday night again… last week I don’t remember why I had it put off until Saturday, but the week before I had it all done by Friday night. Why isn’t it done? Why am I procrastinating? I am NOT that person! I wasn’t before kids anyway. I have a million excuses for why it isn’t done.

The midwife told me that I need some exercise and to spend 30 minutes outside in the sun 3 times a day. I made the sun-time today, I set up a folding table in the back yard and read my book while sitting outside. It worked, and Rhayn and I ate dinner out there, too. But did I exercise? No. She also said this was only a beginning. If this doesn’t help she is getting in touch with someone I can talk to. Maybe I need that most of all. I need to find out if this is merely Post Partum Depression, or something that is deeper and not hormonal. I am not saying the PPD isn’t real or anything, I am just saying that it is understandable at this point and if that is my problem, I know that I can work through it and everything will be fine and its not bad enough for drugs.

Regardless, I am here its only 9 pm, and I feel awful. I don’t feel any danger of hurting myself or anyone around me, but I do feel very let down, and I want to cuddle with Will, but he didn’t seem at all interested in me or my problems. Once again, he forgets that I have feelings, too. His stress level has been raised so its all about him.

I hate saying any of this, I don’t want there to be anything wrong with me, and I am not sure if it is just me, not being able to communicate with Will very well. I know I am not that good at communitcation, and it is one of the things I am working on most. However it is not working today. I sat there- staring at him, unable to say what was running through my head. Sometimes I wish I had a more explosive temper, maybe I would SAY the thoughts and get it all out, but I also know that if I did that he is not a “forgive and forget” type of person. Once a long time ago, when Rhayn was merely a babe I was upset and said he was a horrible father, not even meaning it, I was mad. He TO THIS DAY brings that up, and no amount of apology or explanation on my part will end it. He refuses to “get over” things, he holds grudges like you wouldn’t believe, even though he acts like he doesn’t. I know better. Yet, I love him. I want to be with him and make our family work. So what do I do? I know its not all me, and he has to want it also. I know he does, I just feel like sometimes he forgets that everyone else has feelings as well.

Back to me, I wonder if last nights crappy sleep is the cause of most of today’s issues. I woke up in a grumpy state. I wanted to be left alone and I wanted most of all to go back to sleep. However Rhayn has decided that 7 am is a great time to wake up, and she climbs into bed with Will, Bug and I, and immediately starts talking and singing. Ordinarily this is the most splendid way to wake up, and I love waking up to her and not to an alarm clock. However this morning I was not ready to wake. All night Bug had been fussing and stirring. I didn’t get more than 5 hours of sleep and most of that was in weird positions that I had to assume after Bug fell back asleep with my nipple in her mouth. I had her on my chest for a good portion of the night, sleeping on my back, propped up. So sleep and comfort were not in my cards, if that happens again tonight I am going to stay in bed, even in the smell of coffee is wafting up the stairs and beckoning me with its tasty aroma.

For now its off to bed, and hopefully I will be rested and able to finish my homework in the morning. I have all day tomorrow to complete it… and I know as soon as its done I will feel better. I mostly want to feel better and feel like I did a good job. Last week I was just happy to get it finished.


Mid-life Midwife said...

hang in there, sister. feel free to call a compassionate stranger when my cell phone minutes are free (weekends and aftert 9pm, EST)to bitch and moan to someone with big listening ears. sometimes thats all we need. 734.646.2674

leaner said...

thanks, it means a lot to me that you are willing to talk.

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