Mourning in the Morning
Am I feeling better today?
Not really. I feel rested but still don't feel accepting of the whole situation. I want to cry, but my head is still pounding from last night's cry.
Its hard to come to terms with something. I know that I would not want to change anything about this pregnancy, I mean besides the fear I have had this whole time. I know that will never change. After Rhayn being born with a cleft palate I am never going to go blind into having another child. I will always have a small amount of fear of what COULD happen, and with the miscarriage, too. Those make you appreciate the children you are able to carry. I would never say I wish I hadn't had this child. I mean look at that face- there is something inside that melts when she smiles and I can not imagine my life without her. (then she whines... and that feeling dissipates.)
I just called my parents house, because I wanted to ask Stacey a question. No one answered, but the answering machine is my brother, Andrew. It really makes me miss him. I wish he could be home and see dacheese and I all round and full of baby. Instead he is missing out on all of it. Hopefully he'll get to be home for Jesse and Stacey's wedding. The babies will be around 5 months by then and will be little bundles of smiles and snuggles. I know that he likes the older kids better and Rhayn still talks about him. I can't wait to see you again Andrew- we miss you.