I am so irritable today! I was last night, too. After Rhayn went to bed I wanted to go outside and just SCREAM for an hour or so. Instead I started cleaning and was unable to fall asleep until 12. I couldn't deal with the evening, its why I rambled on and on about crap that doesn't matter in my post last night. It was me trying to avoid my feelings. I hate doing that because they come back- they always come back and sometimes they are WORSE.

She made me mad (for no good reason, I was just being a b@#ch I think.) And I slapped her. I feel so awful for it, because we don't hit her, she doesn't get spankings (she gets silly spanking threats... but not real ones if she is ever bad she gets a time out, but those are more for me.)

Her innocent eyes filled with tears and I wanted to hit myself. But I couldn't calm down. I told her to go to her room and I took a shower. It took me a long time to calm down, is this the pregnancy hormones? I am not normally like this, and I can't really blame it on lack of sleep. I think I am getting enough. What will happen after baby is here? Will I be able to remain calm? Will I freak out for no good reason? I know Will is terrified of my having post-partum depression, and honestly at this point- I am too. How can I combat this? I need a break, but don't know how to get one since Will is away.

I am looking forward to the birthday party today, if simply to get out of the house and let Rhayn play with other people, so I don't really have to be totally responsible for her.
I love that little girl with all of my heart soul, mind everything.

BUT sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by all of it-
Its not what one expects at all.

Deep Cleansing Breaths


tif-do said...

I'm sorry your having such a hard time. It's so frustrating when every thing seems so out of your control. Love ya and hope everything gets better soon.

Pen-nut said...

Hang in there, and know that we all get frustrated with being Mom's. None of us are perfect and we all lose our cool at times. All those hormones running around in you when you're pregnant don't help. And believe me, hormones do crazy things to a person, I know first hand experience. It'll get better soon. Love Ya!!!!

leaner said...

Thanks- I am feeling more stable today, I wonder if this cold that is brewing was causing my irritibility problems? Hmmm- could be. At least I know I am not alone. Losing ones cool is the worst thing i can think of... it makes me feel VERY bad. Especially when I take it out on Rhayn- her innocent eyes- she doesn't know why mommy is being sooo rotten. Really makes you wonder HOW kids who get that sort of treatment everyday/all day deal with it. Its a wonder that so many people are as stable as they are!

TLC said...

2 things: use your words and the power of forgiveness.

We always tell our kids to use their words when they are having a temper tantrum. It shouldn't be any different for us. We too can let our kids know how we are feeling before the boil over and if we still happen to go over the deep end and lose it, well that is where the power of forgiveness comes in. Forgive yourself and if one can communicate forgivness to our children they will see things in a differen light. They will understand that it wasn't their fault and that sheesh just because we are parents we aren't perfect and are prone to frustrating feelings too! Communication baby!

Remember that story I told you last year about how it was impressed upon me that these are not our children? How that has kept me in check!

You are a good mother, how many people would just let it be and not think twice about how they treat their kids? That is what will set our kids apart. at least I hope!

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