I am so irritable today! I was last night, too. After Rhayn went to bed I wanted to go outside and just SCREAM for an hour or so. Instead I started cleaning and was unable to fall asleep until 12. I couldn't deal with the evening, its why I rambled on and on about crap that doesn't matter in my post last night. It was me trying to avoid my feelings. I hate doing that because they come back- they always come back and sometimes they are WORSE.
She made me mad (for no good reason, I was just being a b@#ch I think.) And I slapped her. I feel so awful for it, because we don't hit her, she doesn't get spankings (she gets silly spanking threats... but not real ones if she is ever bad she gets a time out, but those are more for me.)
Her innocent eyes filled with tears and I wanted to hit myself. But I couldn't calm down. I told her to go to her room and I took a shower. It took me a long time to calm down, is this the pregnancy hormones? I am not normally like this, and I can't really blame it on lack of sleep. I think I am getting enough. What will happen after baby is here? Will I be able to remain calm? Will I freak out for no good reason? I know Will is terrified of my having post-partum depression, and honestly at this point- I am too. How can I combat this? I need a break, but don't know how to get one since Will is away.
I am looking forward to the birthday party today, if simply to get out of the house and let Rhayn play with other people, so I don't really have to be totally responsible for her.
I love that little girl with all of my heart soul, mind everything.
BUT sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by all of it-
Its not what one expects at all.
Deep Cleansing Breaths